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stupidfool
today molly and i got an apartment for next year. it's not completely final yet, but we've already put down the deposit and they're reserving it for us. i sort of wanted to come out to her before we had committed to living together for an entire year, just in case she hated me... but it's a little too late for that now. so i'm just hoping that she takes it well, or that i don't ever get the guts to tell her, and i don't have to worry about it...

i meant to go to this job fair today, so i could tell my parents that i was trying to get an internship, because i know that's what they want me to do. but i got about 4 nosebleeds in a row while i tried to sleep, and i wound up sleeping through the job fair. it's better that way, i guess, because i don't really want another internship. maybe next summer.

i had to mail a copy of the lease to my parents, and i didn't have any stamps. it was also payday, and a new schedule was posted today, and we needed milk. all of this could be handled in one quick trip to my grocery store, but i only had an hour and a half before the dinner. so i got all dressed up and then realized that i don't own a dress coat. last year, i had borrowed molly's, but this year, she would be wearing it. it was cold... so i grabbed my very non-formal nike jacket and made do...

the second i stepped into the store, amit yells, 'wow! look at loser!' and everybody does. i felt dumb.
next week, i work at 7 in the morning-tuesday AND wednesday. this is bad for three reasons:
1) to be there at 7, i'm going to have to wake up by 6 at the latest, and usually, i'm lucky to be in bed by 6. this is going to fuck with my body and i'm not looking forward to it.
2) on both those days, terrie is working the late shift. i get to see her for a half hour each day and after a week without terrie's ass, that's not going to be enough. i have some major catching up to do...
3) what about christine? she can't come in early because the managers are there. she only ever comes late, and the last time she came late, it was late on a tuesday. what if she comes late this tuesday, and i'm not there to see her? i decide i'm going to catch a bus there. i'll forget my backpack again, and then i'll catch a bus back late tuesday night, making sure that i've just missed the bus back. then i can sit outside and watch for her for the whole period of time that she's likely to come. it will probably be a huge waste of time, and it's probably a really stupid plan. but if i don't do it, i'll spend the rest of my life what-iffing.
i handled everything in the store, and on my way out, taysha joked with me a little and i love her hair. i went out and mailed the letter and then jim came out of the door. he had practically chased me outside. he marveled at me in my dress clothes, and then he talked to me for a LONG time, even when i kept saying that i'd better be going. i didn't mind too much, because i like him... he said i looked nice, and i thanked him. he said i should wear my hair down more often, and i told him he should grow his hair long, wear it like that for a while, and then he could come talk to me about leaving my hair down. we spent a while contemplating the word 'quaint,' because i used it and he thought that was funny. and he told me about how he thinks he's falling in love with one of his professors, and then he asked me what he should do about it, which felt a little wrong. he's 10 years older than me and he's got a lot more experience dating girls than i do... i suggested 'go to office hours, a lot, to try and get a feel for if she likes you back. even if she doesn't, it'll help your grade, so you've got nothing to lose.' he laughed and said that was true. jane came by while we were standing outside talking, and she tugged lightly on a strand of my hair, and said 'you look cute,' but jim heard, 'you look quaint,' and we had some fun with that. i finally convinced him that i really did have to go, and he said 'oh yeah, that's right,' but didn't say bye or anything. so i said bye to him and turned to go, and he didn't say bye back. he didn't move either. i was halfway across the parking lot, and i turned to look at him, and he hadn't moved an inch. he was still standing there, staring after me, which i thought was a little strange. he didn't wave or anything, just watched. i turned around and kept walking and didn't look back again.

when i got home, molly was ready to leave, and we made it to the dinner barely on time. i got a scholarship and i don't really know why i got it. the company that i had my internship with was there. they had a bunch of representatives, and they were all talking about how the vice-president of the company (who was the boss of the boss of the boss of my boss, and only talked to me once or twice all summer) had said that i had done a great job. i thought this was slightly odd, since all i remembered doing this summer was sitting around being bored, emailing jim and molly, daydreaming about christine or holly, and pretending to be still working on work that i had finished weeks ago. but anyway, these people all had the idea that i had been great for the company, and somebody important wanted me to come back again this summer. i wasn't at all expecting that. i know that my boss was always telling me that i was doing a good job, but i had thought it was one of those morale-boosting things, like something that they would teach you about in some big boss workshop: tell your employees that they're doing well, it will make them feel good about themselves, and then they'll do better for you. it's good to have employees with good self-esteem... but evidently, somebody actually thought that i had done a good job. i do NOT want to go back there. i don't want an internship at all, and i especially don't want another internship with that company, where they expect you to take 4 years to write a simple program, and if you're done before that, they tell you to just work on it some more. or to proofread it. or to busy yourself some other way, because they have nothing else for you to do. i don't know how to tell these people that, though. i tell them that i think i might be taking classes this summer, and they have those amused little smiles, and they're looking at each other, like they're asking ok, who wants to explain to this little girl that making a lot of money working for us over one summer might be better for her future than a little bit of summer school? or maybe i just imagined that. but they say ok, well i should think about it, and they'll give my contact information to the boss, and he'll send something to me, so i can just let him know whatever i decide.

then molly and i leave, and i come home and watch tv. a tv guide is an amazing thing. usually, i don't have a tv guide, so i stick to bet and mtv, and if they're not playing music videos, i turn it off. but this week i managed to acquire a tv guide, and there's always something on. this is probably bad, and i think from now on, i'm going to try not to get a tv guide. i get addicted to tv. lauren and i watched for 3 straight hours, and then molly got back and we had to go over to jack's for a group meeting. jack is almost done coding our next project. i have still not read the project description. jack is back to being a genius again.

now i need to convince myself to go to bed, because i've got to start getting on an earlier schedule before next week...

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