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stupidfool
this morning i went to the women's studies office because i had been looking over the sheet of classes that i had to take, and had realized that i can use various women's studies classes to fulfill a variety of requirements. i suspected that if i chose a women's studies class every time i could choose one, i would be pretty close to having a minor in it. and if you're going to be able to minor in something without taking any extra classes, why not do it? so i went and talked to this lady, and she told me i was pretty close to right. to get a minor, i have to take one extra class. when you need over 200 credits to graduate, one extra class is nothing... so, as long as i stay in school, i'm going to graduate with a minor in women's studies.

then i went to work, and taysha and i actually talked! at first, she was just talking to eliza and i was getting jealous, but then she was reading something and laughing, and i was asking her about it, so she said i could read it too, and we stood right next to each other and read this article and then we laughed about it together and then we talked a little more and then she went off to show it to eliza, but i don't care so much because this was an improvement over every other day of my life. taysha looks good. taysha smells good. i want taysha, bad.

rashid had talked to amit, and amit said that terrie asked him to tell liz that she wanted to hang out with her sometime. amit said 'tell her yourself. if i was going to talk to liz, i'd ask her to hang out with me sometime.' rashid congratulated me on being right about terrie liking liz. he wants to tell liz that terrie is a lesbian and that terrie likes her. the idea is interesting to me, but i told him there was no way i was telling her. and then i added, 'what if terrie found out? i don't know about you, but i don't want to have her hating me any more than she already does.' he agreed with me on that, but he was still plotting different ways he could let liz find out without officially telling her. he was going to slip her a note, but i rejected that idea. i joked, 'why don't we just wait til we work with liz, and then i'll stand on one end, you stand on the other, and i'll scream over 'hey rashid! did you see terrie's ex-girlfriend in here the other day?' he laughs but then we start thinking of other ways we can bring up terrie's ex-girlfriend in front of liz. i don't really mean to be helping him think about this. i don't really want to out terrie to liz, except for that i do. and i actually suggest the idea that he's now planning on using. he'll go up to liz, and ask 'so, do you like terrie?' she'll probably assume that he doesn't mean that in a sexual way, say yes, and then he can just raise his eyebrows, and say 'ohhh,' and then leave. liz is a smart girl. if he can plant the idea in her mind, i think she'll figure it out. so does he. but should he plant the seed? i say no. he says it would be funny to see what happened though. i say funny in an evil sort of way. he says yeah, but still funny. and i have to agree... i don't know if he's going to do it. and what's worse is that even though i know i shouldn't want him to do it, i think i might.

on the bus, rashid brought up christine. we talked about her for a while, actually. we had spent the entire day at work discussing terrie and liz, so christine was an exciting new topic. mostly, i just told him stuff he didn't know, like that christine lived with terrie, and that marie had liked christine, and what christine's major had been, but that she wasn't in school any more. he asked most those things. it was just a regular conversation, but it got me thinking about christine, which got me thinking about thinking, like i did last night. by the time i got to the apartment, i was deep in thought about my thoughts and where they come from. there was nobody home and the lights were out, so i came in, flopped over the armrest on the couch, and let the blood drain to my head while i thought about it. that's how i was 5 minutes later when lauren walked in the door. she flipped on the light and freaked out. she asked what i was doing, and i pulled my head up and told her i was thinking. she asked, 'about what?'
i answered, 'about thinking.'
she goes, 'no, i mean what were you thinking about?'
'i was thinking about thinking.'
'about what?'
'no, that's it! i was just thinking about thinking!'
'oh, so you hadn't started thinking yet?'
'no! i was already thinking!'
'ok, well then what were you thinking about?'
'THINKING!'
i felt like i should start talking about who's first and what's on second... but i eventually got my point across, and in doing so, i wound up getting a little more specific, and basically raised the questions that i wrote in here last night, leaving out specifics (like christine's name...) in the middle of this conversation, molly got home. molly is always amused when i get 'deep,' so she stuck around and listened for a little. they understood the part about when you think you're going to like someone, and then you do, did you predict the future, or was that thought just the first step in creating the future, but i was having trouble coming up with an example to illustrate what i meant by those kinds of thoughts motivating your actions (besides the one about christine and my closet, which i wasn't about to use). i eventually came up with a weak one, about getting a ride home, to get my point across. molly started coming up with all these weird things, like 'what if you're blah because blah.' (fill in the blahs; they were all pretty unrealistic). even though i was pretty sure she was just being weird, i couldn't say for sure... so i agreed: 'yeah. what if i'm blah because blah?' then i raised another question, right as it popped into my head: 'what if i have a subconcsious reason for getting a minor in women's studies, that i don't know about?' after i said it, i realized that i did have another reason that i hadn't given much thought until that moment-i'm a lesbian. feminists and lesbians are very much related. i've never really considered myself to be a feminist, but i am a lesbian, and i like taking classes that teach students to accept who i am... molly suggests 'what if subconsciously, you're a big-deal feminist?'
i repeat slowly, 'what if subconsciously, i am a big-deal feminist?'
then she asks 'what if you like girls, like terrie does?'
because i am in a repeating frame of mind, i don't think twice before repeating, 'what if i like girls like terrie does?'
i regret it the second i say it. the room feels like it's closing in on me and i want to get up and run away, but at the same time, i WANT them to answer this question. i want them to tell me what they would do, or what they would think of me, if i liked girls like terrie does.
molly jokes, 'you know you like those cornrows...' and she makes a motion over her hair that's supposed to suggest cornrows.
lauren seems to have decided that this is even more ridiculous than the crazy things molly was saying before, because she stops us right there and says, 'look loser, you'll kill yourself trying to figure out every thought you've ever thought. you have your reasons for doing things, so just assume that those are the reasons. if you have other reasons, deeper in you, if you need to know them, you will without trying so hard. just stop thinking so much.' actually, she says a lot more than that, but i was so relieved to be off the topic of me being a lesbian that i didn't listen so closely. when i realized that i was safe for now, a strange thing happened in my mind. you know how people say your life flashes before your eyes? i think that sort of happened. like in one half of a second, everything that had happened so far, involving me being a lesbian was in my mind and then gone. like on tv, when they flash the pictures so fast that you think you can't even tell what they are, but when it's over, you realize that you saw more than you thought. i went from the first time i realized that i might be a lesbian, all the way up to jim discussing hot girls at work with me yesterday, in the shortest period of time... except it didn't stop at jim because the next thought that flashed up was having this same conversation, and lauren not stepping in, and me coming out of the closet, right here, right now, to molly and lauren. then the flash of thoughts was over, but i was confused. it was like waking up from a nightmare, when it takes you a few moments to realize that it was just a dream. i came out of that flash of thoughts thinking that i had actually just come out of the closet to molly and lauren. it was scary. i was scared, and even when i convinced myself that it wasn't for real, the fear was still there. i wanted to get out of this conversation and this room right now. lauren had jumped into lecture mode, and she can go on forever. molly left while lauren was lecturing me, and when lauren was done, i replied simply, 'ok,' and went to my room to build my legos and listen to maxwell.
that was too close for comfort. i was relieved, but still worried. molly wasn't serious when she suggested that, was she? i would tend to think that she wasn't, but she did come up with the idea... and how many times in the past has she said things that made me wonder if she knew...? any one of those things would be no big deal, but together, they're all starting to add up... i want to know if she knows and i don't know how to tell.

later, i was telling her about mine and rashid's tentative plan to help liz find out about terrie. she asks 'find out what?'
i answer, 'you know, about terrie.'
she asks 'what about her?'
i reply, 'well liz doesn't know. she still thinks terrie's normal.'
molly asks 'what are you talking about?'
i am nervous. is she trying to make me say the word? because i can't do it. i say, 'liz doesn't know that terrie's... you know... '
she stares at me blankly.
i fill in, 'that she likes girls.'
molly says 'what? i thought she flirted with her back!'
i tell her no, that's prudy, and she says oh, she must have gotten them confused.

pause.

was she serious, or was that good acting and she was just trying to get me to say the word? i get scared...

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Lauren sounds like a lot of my friends. Where the solution is always basically "ride it out and stop thinking so much." In on aspect the advice she gave you is solid but in another aspect well... I believe your ability to self ananlyze (not you in particular but 'you' as a general concept) makes you a better person and better equiped to make life decisions later. I mean at some point self analyzation has to pay off and give you a better idea of who you are and what you want. Even though at any given point during this process you may feel as though you have no fucking clue who you are and what you want is something so spectacular that they have not even formed the words to describe it so how could you possibly know what it is. (If that sentence made any sense)As long as you self analyze and not self depreciate (i think that's the right word) then 'thinking about thinking' seems fine.

Molly seems like she is very dear to your heart. I honestly don't think there is anyway to know if she knows or not. The reason for this I believe is the fact that you know. You know so there are going to be things that you do or say that you think should tip her off when in actuality you only realize it or take it in that concept because YOU know. For instance you know how str8 girls run around saying "well I went to the movie with my girl friend last night and..." I can not say that phrase. I can't! Because I know that "well I went to the movie with my girl friend last night and..." could mean "well I went to the movie with my lover last night." And since I always assume that I am under suspicion of being gay (since I fit the stereotype most days) I always assume that if I say something like that then even if I really did just mean my girl friend they will think I meant girl friend.

Also for this reason when molly says things or do things sometimes it will seem like she knows but really she might not. Your interpretation of things on the subject of lesbianism are going to be different than hers. Not necessarily because of beliefs but because you are a lesbian and you are in the closest and when you are, for lack of a better word, hiding something it always seems like the person you are hiding it from is a little bit closer than you think. When I came out there were people who said "Yeah I knew that" or "It's about time you figured it out" and there were some that were utterly and completely shocked.

She might know she might not know. She might just have a vague idea. As far as how she will take it I don't her so I can't guess but I don't remember you saying anything about her being or acting homophobic so I am thinking that that is a plus on your side.

As for outing Terrie. I said the cardinal rule was that YOU weren't supposed to drag anyone out of the closest. However you have no control over Rashid and he can do what he wants and if you want to see Terrie be pulled out of the closest then that's fine. Just make sure you don't do it and be sure to stay clear of the back lash. Because 1. Liz might know more than you think, 2. if she doesn't and Terrie finds out there is going to be hell to pay, and 3. It could just fascinate Liz and put her and Terrie closer together. (There are a lot of str8 girls who are really curious)

Just try not to get hurt in any cross fires. What does Taysha smell like? This girl at my job smells like curve for men and irish spring soap and it drives me nuts. Ummmm *licking lips*

That's my .02


~Jay~

I don't remember you saying anything about her being or acting homophobic so I am thinking that that is a plus on your side.
the thing is, she used to be the most homophobic person i had ever met. when i first started this journal, i probably mentioned it a few times... she would say stuff all the time, like when her roommate kept her up having sex with her boyfriend, she would complain about it to me, and then add something like, 'oh well. at least she's not a fucking lesbian.' she would say things about how lesbians were disgusting, nasty, etc. but then i told her about terrie being a lesbian and christine being bi, and i could see the gradual change in her. she doesn't really know terrie, but she knew and liked christine, and she knows how much i liked christine, and she knows that christine's done a lot for me... at first, her thoughts on christine seemed to be damn, i can't believe it. i thought she was so nice, but that's just sick... it's just wrong... but i still talked about christine, kept telling her anytime christine did anything even remotely nice for me or anybody else, still mentioned her girlfriend, and molly's replies turned into ok, whatever makes her happy... just keep it away from me, because i won't ever go there. and now, if i bring up christine, she has only good things to say about her, and doesn't really dwell on her sexuality. it seems like she's just accepted it and moved on. if she still has opinions on it, she keeps them to herself, and to me, it seems like she's realized: christine is bi, but it doesn't really matter, because she's also loser's favorite person in the world, and that part comes closer to affecting me than her sexuality does. the same goes for terrie, sort of. the only time we really talk about it is when she gets confused about which one's gay and which one's bi (which she does way too often...) so maybe it is a good sign, but i'm worried that she still thinks what she used to think, and just hides it better...

i don't really know what taysha smells like... lotion maybe? i think it only smells good to me because she's so hot though. like, if the smell didn't make me think of her, i might not think it smelled so good...

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