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stupidfool
i got up early today and i actually accomplished some stuff. it was all boring stuff though. i bought the textbook for the class i'm taking. there are 10 weeks in a quarter. this is the 6th week, and i finally bought the textbook... i went to read it, but every time i tried to concentrate, i started thinking about christine, and even though my eyes were skimming the words, nothing was entering my brain, so i just stopped trying. that's always when i miss her worst, when i have something boring that i need to be concentrating on.

in class, alana was sitting in front of me and molly, and her boyfriend was next to her. they were being all mushy and i just sort of shook my head at them, but it got me thinking again... a little over a year ago, that would have driven me crazy. i used to like her so much... seeing her happy with him ripped my heart in half. seeing his hand run lightly over her back made me want to scream... i wanted that to be my hand. and when she would trace her finger down his neck, i would ache. i wanted her to be sending tingles down my spine, not his. it tore me apart. and the worst part was that i was still her friend. she still liked me-just not like that. she didn't understand why i couldn't just hang out with the two of them and be normal, and i couldn't tell her. if i did tell her, i might ruin the friendship we had... she might be extra careful not to touch me any more, and i lived for the moments when she would play with my hair, or link her arm through mine to pull me in a different direction, or tickle me just to see me squirm. that felt good, but overall, our relationship was torture for me. now, alana is just my friend, and i'm glad... of course, this winds up going back to christine. if christine was my friend, it would be the same way. i know it would. no matter how hard i try to not like her like that, i know i still want her. it would be torture to be her friend. of course, it's also torture to not see her. what i need is to get over her, and then i could be her friend. but if i was over her, would i even want to be her friend, or is this more physical than i'd like to think? and if i wait til i'm over her, wouldn't that be too long to wait? i should call her soon, so we're still in touch, and then when i get over her completely, i can try to step it up til we're real friends? except it might be too late to call her because she gave me that number almost 4 months ago... maybe she'll come in. she said she would... it's no good for me though... i think i'm talking myself in circles here. god, i miss her...

i think terrie works tuesday night. that means christine wouldn't come in. that means that it would be a waste of my time to 'forget' my backpack and go back there in the hopes that she'll show up. that means i can stay home and sleep, and i won't even drive myself crazy wondering if she came or not. sleeping will (hopefully) help me do better on my midterm, and that's good. i think studying would also help me do well on the midterm, but that doesn't sound very entertaining. i might do that later... maybe tomorrow molly will want to study, and she'll make me study with her. i'm not very good at making myself work. i liked it when alana was in my classes and her boyfriend wasn't...

3 paragraphs. all of them basically center on somebody who i haven't seen in nearly 2 months. i suck.

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Carla was my best friend and I was in love with her. Though at that time I didn't realize it, or at least wouldn't admit it to myself. Carla is a touchy feely sort and because I am always fearful of what ppl might think up until recently I was not. We went to an all girl school and she would run up and hug me or kiss me on the cheek or link her arm in mine or something like that and I loved it/hated it. I mean the contact was dedlicious however I was ALWAYS paranoid, ven though I wasn't really even out to myself then, that people would think we were gay. For gods sake we were known as Dyke high throughout the city.

Anyway the closer we got the more she hung all over me and the more I loved it. Of all the things I miss from that I miss that the most. Because after all of the shit we have been through that is the one thing I know I will never get back. The physical contact. I was over her long before I ever told her how I had felt but she asked and I told and well yeah. I think she liked it a little though but then that's another story. When I say liked it I mean the fact that I was in love with her.

It was hard being just her friend when she was the embodiment of everything I ever wanted physically and mentally. But then she got wrapped up in jesus and it was really hard to tell if the connection and gay-dar I had always felt was just pray-dar and friendship. Even though when Riley first met her her first words were "So she's family?" I laughed and told her no and she looked at me like I was telling a joke.

But anyway I am thru rambling...


PS
CALL CHRISTINE. 4 months? Wow you are worse than me.

~Jay~

i was going to answer your ps here but then it got long and i felt funny writing a whole paragraph to reply to only one line, so i posted it in my regular journal, and i don't know why i decided to type a comment here anyway, since you could just read my regular journal, but my fingers started and they don't want to stop so pardon me while i go to bed now.

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