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stupidfool
today at work i was not as tired as i would have expected. but by now, i'm feeling pretty dead. at work:

i found $25 on the floor, but tasha was the only one there and she was back in the office, and i didn't want to make her come out, so i just stuck it under the counter.

tasha told me that jane wasn't going to be in for a while because she had surgery to remove her tonsils or appendix or adnoids or some expendable organ like that. (she said which one; i just forget) because of this, terrie made next week's schedule. i think that's interesting and i can't wait to see how her shifts fit with liz's and prudy's. and if it works out how i think it will, i'm going to make sure to share the news with rashid. i'm also a little worried about jane, because i like her and i hope she's ok. but sam (jane's sister) was in today and said jane was recovering as well as could be expected. and when terrie came in, she had just been to visit jane, and she told tasha that jane was still having trouble doing < something i couldn't hear >, but other than that, she was ok.

we got a new assistant manager named shakara. she's not replacing ann or brian. just now ann's the boss, and brian and shakara are co-assistant bosses. this lady seems nice and friendly, and she was talking to me at school. pam (this old cashier who's been there for more than 5 years) said that shakara wouldn't get to stay, because she was too nice, and ann doesn't want to have her workers like her assistant managers more than they like her. that's why brian's been our only assistant manager for so long, and we've had so many other ones cycle through and attempt to make it. but pam was complaining about everything. she was also saying how much she couldn't stand terrie. and she was saying how sam shouldn't have the job she has, and she's no good at it, and she has awful availabilty. if it were anybody but sam, she wouldn't even be able to work for the company, much less in the position she has, but since sam is jane's sister, she gets away with it. and she was complaining about how much management sucks. pam hates everybody. terrie hates everybody. beep hates most everybody. everybody hates. the whole world is bitter. i hope i never get like that.

there was a barbershop quartet that came in today to buy water, all dressed up in tuxes. somebody asked them to sing, and they asked what she wanted to hear, and she said 'greensleeves,' so one guy hummed a note, and then they all joined in, and then they hummed the whole song, in tune, and not just the melody, but all the counter-melodies too. i clapped when they were done. and then some older guy requested an old song, and i forget what it was, but it had the word 'sweetheart' in it, and they sang it in harmony. it was neat. i was so impressed. i am amazed when a person can sing. i am even more amazed when 4 people can harmonize songs they've never even rehearsed. it was great. in fact, if i had to pick the highlight of my day, i might even put that over staring at terrie's ass.

really, not much happens at a grocery store in the morning. there are hardly any workers there (and the ones that are there are old and bitter) and hardly any customers shop and it's just dull.

terrie came in with a half hour left in my shift and i asked her if brian was upstairs and she said yeah. i remembered the $25 i found, and i gave it to her. she labeled it with the current time and the location i had found it, and i realized it after i went away, so i went back and told her 'it wasn't really now. it was way earlier but tasha was hiding in the closet.' i didn't mean to say closet. i think i have closets on my brain. terrie hardly seemed to notice, though, because as i said 'closet,' i pointed to the office, so she knew what i meant. she just laughed and said i was ratting tasha out or something.

when i came home, molly and i decided to study. it lasted like 5 minutes, and then we got distracted talking about next year. she's really excited about moving out and moving in and setting up a new place and all that stuff. i'm sort of excited about that, but not as much as i should be. i think it's mostly because she's ready to just skip the rest of this year, and start in on next one, but i'm not. i want to finish this. i want to see christine again. i want to see what happens to jim and me as it happens. i want things to keep going like they are now, sort of. now, i still can hope that jim and i will still be friends. i can still hope that christine will come to visit. i can still hope that terrie will stick around for a while and i can come out to her too and something can come of that. i'm kind of afraid that next year, i won't even be able to hope for any of those things, or at least 2 out of the 3. (terrie will probably be around forever, and i will probably always hope that something will happen, and nothing ever will.) it might also be partly because i know something she doesn't know, and i'm afraid that if she knew it, she wouldn't be as excited. so it's kind of guilt, and it's keeping me from getting excited. i feel funny not being as excited as she is, because i know that besides those things, i'm as anxious as she is to move in.

on the topic of calling christine: i want to. i just don't know what to say... and i don't call anybody on the phone, really. not even nikki or katie or molly or alana or anybody. because if i have trouble talking in real life, i'm double that when i have to call people. when they call me, i'm ok, because i know that they have the time to be talking to me. but when i call them, i never know what i'm interrupting, and i feel like i've got to get my words out fast, and then i end up sounding really dumb. so i'm scared to call her. and besides, i feel like it would be a waste to call her if she was going to come back to the store, and i could just talk to her then... so i keep convincing myself that she's going to come soon, and i should just wait on that phone call until she does... the problem is that if she never comes, by the time i convince myself that she's not coming, it probably will be too late to call her... she could still come though, right? it hasn't even been 2 months. and the last time i saw her, she said she'd be back to check up on me. she's not a liar... i believe her... she wouldn't forget, would she?

i'm done torturing myself. it's bedtime so i can wake up early tomorrow, and hopefully find some time to study...

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Were the lyrics to the song "Goodnight sweet heart well it's time to go...dudupdudup"?


As for calling Christine I was just wondering, and I am not being sarcastic, would you like me to write you up a script to follow. Because even though I feel like trash and I am nervous I am good for calling people up after I miss them enough. Except Nan, I refuse to call Nan on the basis that she lives with her g/f and I have this thing where I HATE other people knowing my business. Translated that means I can't call her because I have this paranoia that she will tell the girlfriend what I said.

Anyway if you need help let me know.

~Jay~

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