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stupidfool
molly and i turned in the signed lease. we officially have a place for next year. this means there's no backing out now, no matter what molly finds out about me... even if she doesn't want to live with me, she is paying half the rent.

i realized that jane is still out and terrie is probably making the schedule again. last time, she did it monday, and i had meant to write down when i could work before today, so she wouldn't have to guess again, but i forgot. so i was going to go to the store and tell her, but molly said that was stupid, and i should call. i hate to call people, so molly said she'd do it for me, which would have worked except for that lauren thought i should call for myself, and wouldn't let molly do it. instead, she patiently rehearsed the conversation with me about 5 times, and then i called. terrie answered, and i said 'hi.' before i even got around to telling her who i was, she asked, 'is this loser? i would recognize that 'hi' anywhere!' i don't know for sure that she meant it as a good thing, but i took it as a good thing. it made me happy. talking to her also made my ear tingle. she has a sexy voice, especially when she's saying 'bye.' it comes out low and deepish, and i want to crawl through the phone and grab her...

i went to class. jack was not there. he has been ignoring all our emails, and he hasn't been online either. we don't know what's going on with our project. it's nice that jack is a genius, but this would be easier on the rest of us if he would occasionally tell us what's going on.

i don't get my midterm back until next monday. that's a long time to wait...

molly and i went bowling. i couldn't find a way to say no. and (even though i feel like some old man when i say this), i like bowling. i know it's not a very 'cool' thing to do, but i think it's fun. i bowled 6 straight gutter balls, and barely hit 50. i'm normally a bad bowler, but even for me, that was awful. so we bowled another game, and this time i bowled a 110, which is more like normal for me. most people wouldn't be proud of that score, but i am. (fyi: christine used to bowl ~180.)

on the way home, it was almost the exact time i usually expect christine to come. i tried my hardest to come up with a reason to stop at the store, but i couldn't. when we got home, molly wanted to make some chex mix, and we discovered that we were out of worchestire (sp?) sauce. so we went to the store. it was right at the end of the period i look for her... (last time she came at 10:29. the time before that, she came around 10:20, i think. so i usually watch for her from 10-11, and sometimes a little later. tonight we got to the store at 2 til 11.) she wasn't there. i wonder... if i had come earlier, would she have been there? should i have skipped bowling? am i being stupid? why am i so obsessed? why can't i just let it go?

i lost my charge card. i called the store to see if they found it and tyrone answered. i heard voices and laughter in the background and i knew he was more interested in them than me. because of this, and because i hadn't rehearsed the conversation, my words came out a little choppy. when i got my point across, he told me to hang on, and he'd check. he didn't put me on hold, but i think he thought he did. i heard him talking to them. he said 'loser lost her charge card,' only he was mimicking me, making his sentance all choppy. kiera laughed and asked what in the world was wrong with him. he said, 'that's what she said, just like that,' and then he repeated what i had said, in a voice that was so strange that i almost laughed. they all laughed and i felt like hiding. i ducked under the table and curled up tight while i listened to him alternate between calling people to check for my card and making fun of me. i wished he had put me on hold. i don't care so much if he's making fun of me; i just don't want to have to hear it. finally he picked it up again and told me nobody had seen it. i thanked him and hung up and crawled out from under the table. i think i need to stop that. i think it's strange that anytime i'm uncomfortable or nervous or scared, i duck and hide or run away. i need to learn to stand up and face stuff...

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