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stupidfool
when molly and i went to discuss the project, we accidentally got some points back. we went because we just wanted to know how we could do better next time, but we moved up about 10 points. that's still not good, but at least it's better.

then came work. anthony was there for a real short shift and he did nothing but talk to me the whole time. part of the time, amit was talking to me too. they kept telling me how jim wants me and i'm going to end up marrying jim and crazy stuff like that. then somehow they got on the subject of prudy. they were talking about how when she started here, she wore even less clothes than she wears now. like she'd come to work in this tiny little tank top and jeans so tight you could hardly tell that she didn't just have naturally blue legs. she was barely 14. now she's 16 (i think maybe she'll be 17 soon), and she's not really improved much. amit says all the old men customers like her. (i would think he's making that up, but i've seen it in action... to me, it's gross. but i guess she likes the attention...) anthony says she's trying to attract those 30-year old guys, like jim. he joked, 'don't mess with prudy. she's jim's.'
amit said, 'no, she's terrie's.'
anthony said he had noticed that it was starting to seem that way... but was terrie gay? amit said she was. anthony looked at me, like he was asking, 'did you know that???' i told him i knew.
amit said terrie and jim were really a lot alike... they're both 30, and they both go for hot young girls, like prudy and liz.
it's true. he does. he even flirts with marie a little... the frustrating thing about it all is that on jim's list of hot young girls, i'm very close to the top. he picks me over marie, me over prudy... but on terrie's list of hot young girls, i'm dead last... if i'm even on there at all... fucking backwards. right now, i would trade jim's friendship in for a chance to fuck terrie, in a second. he's hardly around, and i think he's only going to dissappear more. i guess i like talking to him, but i think i'd like terrie's naked body on top of me a whole lot more. and if that makes me an awful person, then i guess i'm an awful person.

amit told me, 'your buddy is coming in later tonight.'
he meant rashid, because alyssa called off so they called rashid in. he says it kind of sarcastically, though, and i wonder what he thinks about me and rashid. i remember how he asked me if i liked rashid... does he think i do? i think he thinks i'm a lesbian, sometimes. i think christine was including him when she said 'most the office people know.' but then sometimes i think he thinks i like rashid. or maybe he thinks rashid likes me. or i don't know.

terrie was there but she said not much to me. she asked me if i had my break and i said yeah. she asked 'both?' i told her 'i had all two,' and it came out with some strange foreign accent because sometimes i forget what i sound like and talk like i'm somebody else. she laughed and said you kill me, or you're too much, or something like that. i forget because i'm pretty tired.

i switched shifts with eliza again, so instead of sitting in my corner, i stayed on register. christine wasn't coming anyway, because terrie was closing. i was having some strange christine thoughts, but i can't even remember them now.

at home, molly and aaron got in a stupid fight. i usually go to bed about an hour after molly. she goes to bed, i shower, write in here, and go to bed. so i was waiting for her to go to bed before i started anything, but her stupid fight slowed her down a lot. she wouldn't sleep unil they had made up. she called him. he hung up on her. he called her. she hung up on him. then she called him again. then email. then instant messanger. and finally he came over here, they talked it over, and now they're sleeping together peacefully. relationships are silly. they make you think too much and spend too much money and put too much effort into it. why bother? i don't want a girlfriend. i just want a fuck friend. or two. or ten. i don't want to date terrie or taysha or marie or anybody... they all have their faults and any relationship is a hassle, even if the person's perfect. why spend your life striving for a soulmate and happily-ever-after when you could just settle for mind-blowing sex?
but christine. yeah, ok, i lied. i would take happily-ever-after with her. the rest of them, i just want their bodies. i love christine. there's a big difference. i guess when you love somebody, it's more than worth all the hassle that comes with a relationship. forget it. i'm going to bed.

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I admit relationships are tiresome and overrated and require major amounts of patience. But I think they pay off with things like random hugs for no reason, knowledge that you have some one there to bitch to after a rough day, being able to look across the room and watch your lover reading while you watch a movie or play video games or build up your legos (that one was specifically for you). Fuck buddies usually aren't the ones who will cuddle you at night or hold you when you cry or laugh with you about something secretive and personal shared between only you two.

I am all for fucking 2, 3 different ppl you know that but oddly enough I have never been capable of it unless I knew that there was somebody to hold me and love me etc (no I have never cheated - at least I don't think so). My point? Fuck buddies and relationships each have their own individual pluses.

As for Christine in my opinion you could not be in a relationship with her (at least not based on what you now know) because you love her as an idol in your head and in a relationship you would have to love her as a person. That's a very big sacrifice. Very few people ever measure up to what your ideal of them is especially once you factor in annoying habits pet peeves mood swings and general every day contributions that in her absence you never have to factor in to your love for her.

As for over all you are just coming out to yourself and I am assuming that when you actually start screwing girls you will be just be coming out to every one else so the last thing you need is to be tied down in some ones relationship.

Fuck. Cum. Be merry!

~Jay~

yeah, i know i probably don't know christine well enough to know whether i could be in a relationship with her or not. but i'm more than willing to find out... right now, i think i'd love to discover her annoying habits, pet peeves, and mood swings...

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