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stupidfool
i woke up to a phone call from my high school friend katie. (she's actually been my friend for even longer than nikki has, but when we got here, she met her boyfriend and they became attatched at the hip... she ditched me and nikki left and right. now that they've been dating for a while, i think she's finally understanding that she doesn't have to be with him 24/7... if she leaves for a few hours, he'll still be there for her when she gets back. so she's been trying to talk to us a little more. nikki is furious at her, and refuses to hear it, but i'm not really the type to hold a grudge. i'll take whatever friends i can get.) anyway, she tells me this huge complicated story about how her uncle's freinds grandpa or someone accidentally won some tickets to see lil bow wow in concert in columbus. i have no idea how you can accidentally win tickets, and neither did she, but the point was that she had 2 free tickets to go see lil bow wow tomorrow, and wanted me to go with her. me and katie were concert buddies in high school becuase she is big into rap and r&b and i was the only one of her friends who liked that. i went to concerts with nikki too, but they were different... pearl jam and stuff. so i'm supposed to work tomorrow, but i could go see lil bow wow for free... hmmm... tough choice... the concert's at 3, and i'm supposed to work at 4.

so i catch the bus to work and by the time we get to my stop, i'm the only one on the bus. in my big bear shirt, it's obvious where i'm going, so instead of pulling all the way up to the actual stop, the driver lets me out right on the corner. that makes me happy. little things make me happy.

i find jane right away and tell her that i can't get here at 4 tomorrow, probably not until like 6 or 7. she asks if i don't have a ride, and i say 'no, i just won't be here at all that early...' and let her infer whatever she wants becuase i didn't really have a good excuse. she says ok and marks it down and that's that. i'm going to lil bow wow. i feel like a fucking teenybopper.

they put me on express when i get there and marie is one over. she comes over and plays with my credit machine. why is it ok for her to play but when i play i scare her?

molly comes in. she turns in her application to christine actually and says something about me and christine asks 'loser?' i hear and look over there. she waves and says 'hi loser!' cheerfully, so i wave back. she scheduled an interview. molly did, i mean. christine hooked her up with rhonda, and she has an interview fucking tomorrow. i don't want this to happen... almost everyone there is better friends with christine than me... if molly ends up being better friends with christine than me (which doesn't take much), do you even understand how fucking jealous i am going to be??? and even if she never talks to christine, i want these things to be separate... my freinds and my work... i need each as a break from the other, and i don't want them to mix. but molly is gunna fucking mix them and i can't stop her.

after a while i need like 4 different kinds of cigarettes for some customer, so i go up there trying to keep this list straight in my head, and christine asks 'hey loser, how are classes?' a jumble of marlboro virginia slims camel lights menthol is running through my mind and i can barely say 'i don't know.' and then i list off the cigarettes and when i leave with them, i'm all mad at myself becuase i wanted to tell her that i only skipped 4 classes this week. i get to redeem myself about 10 minutes later, though, when it's slow and she comes out and talks to deshawn (who has taken over for marie) and then asks why i don't know how classes are. i say 'i dunno, i only skipped 4 this week though.' she says i need to go. she says aren't finals soon? i say not really. and she comes over and leans on the end of my register and i don't look at her at all becuase i know if i do, i'll wind up looking down her shirt... she says 'seriously, you don't want to turn out like me, you need to go.' i protest, and deshawn steps in with some cheesy speech. 'now loser, you know that when the going gets tough, the tough get going. you can't quit just becuase it's getting hard. you CAN persevere.' he doesn't know he has the wrong pep talk... the going's not really any tougher now than it was before, i just don't want to go, ever... i don't understand why she thinks i can't quit. i don't understand why she thinks i shouldn't turn out like her. if it's good enough for her, why shouldn't it be good enough for me? i want to ask her that. but christine is rolling her eyes at him and we are on the subject of what a weirdo deshawn is instead of me and classes, so i don't ask.

she runs my break, so i wind up back on express after my break. jim comes by and motions to some guy at the service desk who is wearing tight pants and asks 'how much you wanna bet he's gay?' not like it's a good thing either. i half-laugh and shrug. it makes me fucking uncomfortable. i want to scream at him, tell him it's not a bad thing, stop treating it like it is. but i can't do that without letting him know i'm one too. i can't let him know that because he would treat me like he did that poor guy... i don't want to go along with his teasing, but i don't want to protest either. i hate fucking lying. it's not even lying. i don't know what you call it, but i hate it.

i go up there for some change sometime, and christine is talking to the policeman on duty. this is the guy who's there a lot, and they talk often. so she says something and he says 'well if you were really my friend, you would let me watch.' she laughs like crazy and asks teena if she heard what he just said... teena is laughing too... christine says 'you know, out of everyone who knows about that whole thing, you're the first one who's made a comment like that.' so i get my change and my imagination is running wild. what were they talking about? i am jumping to conclusions before i know it... guys like to watch lesbians... what if that's what they're talking about? obviously, i don't know about 'that whole thing.' i know nothing about christine, other than things i've picked up from eavesdropping... why can't i talk to her like everyone else does?

christine comes out to run my second break too. this time i take extra care to breathe in when we switch... ahhhhhhhh she smells fucking GOOD!!! smelling her is fucking torture but she smells so good that i can't stand the thought of not smelling her either. shit, i am one fucked up creature.

so after break i go back to express. an 8-hour shift on express... they would never do that to most cashiers, but they think i'm too clueless to protest... i guess i don't mind express that much anyway. i'm just bitter becuase it's been a frustrating day.

then christine and tommy are flirting, i swear. chasing each other and laughing and trying to dump water on each other. and when tommy leaves, he asks christine when she gets off. i pray that he was kidding, joking like he was going to be out there waiting with water to dump on her then. tommy is a little over 2 years younger than me, which makes him like 4 years younger than her... i am insanely jealous of him. they weren't having a serious conversation or anything, they were just fucking playing like little kids. why can't i play? god, playing like a little kid is the one thing i don't fuck up, but i never get to do that with christine. if i dumped water on her, i can't even see her playing back. she'd probably just look at me like i was insane and say 'are you ok, loser?' or some concerned phrase like that.

finally the 8 hours are over and i bring my drawer up to christine who takes it and says thanks and i leave and walk home. she doesn't get off for 2 more hours, so i'm not even going to think about waiting for her, mentioning that i'm walking, anything. i just walk. and now i'm here. and i think i'm going to try some homework or something.

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