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stupidfool
it's late and i need to sleep. i was late to work today because i was confused about when i worked. i'm sick. i've got a sore throat (which is fine because i can deal with that), but you can tell when i talk. i'm a bit hoarse. it got so bad that alyssa offered to make me signs to hold up, like 'paper or plastic?' and 'do you have a wild card?' so i wouldn't have to try to talk. it was ok, though, because people assumed i was unhappy because i was sick. and then rashid showed up and i don't know why, but he makes me happy. he is hilarious. he says things and at first i'm not laughing because i don't feel like it, but then he gets all worried, and asks what's wrong, and when i answer in my sick voice, he makes fun of me and it's funny. i feel better. i'm funny like that. laughing can fix so much stuff. i still remember when i was in high school, all upset over everything, depresesed, and wondering if i wanted to die... and then candid camera came on, and my parents let us watch it, and it was funny. i decided that as long as candid camera can make me laugh, there's really no need for me to die. i still think that was a strange decision...

anyway, christine still hurts, a little. but i'm back to hoping she will come. i'm going to continue to think about that situation. i've got to decide what i can do on my own, and what the chances are that she still cares about me at all, and maybe see if she's still living with terrie, or see if she comes in to the store. then maybe i get her number from terrie, or maybe just mentioning it to terrie would be enough. or maybe i see if i can talk to jim about it, instead. compromise? i don't know. but rashid makes me cheerful enough that i'm back to plotting and analyzing, instead of feeling hopeless.

marie found a broken flower and gave it to me, like it was a wonderful present, and then she put her hand on my back, and said 'congratulations,' and then her hand starts gently rubbing my back... i melt. she leaves.

molly tossed a set of keys at terrie, but right as she went to toss them, prudy said something, terrie turned to look at prudy, and the keys hit terrie in the neck. she was completely shocked, but managed to react in time to grab the keys as they slid down her chest, before they hit the floor. she turns to molly in shock and molly hides behind me and i laugh so hard i cry. later, terrie shows me the welt in her neck, like it's my fault. and later, when molly sits down in the middle of the floor, justin turns to me and says 'you guys are strange.' i don't know why people think we are the same person. if she hits terrie with the keys, it's my fault too. if she's weird, i must be weird too.

marie and i had a tape war. she tried to stick tape on me, and i tried to stick tape on her. halfway through, when we were both pausing, defensive, coming up with a plan of attack, she commented, 'we must be pretty bored, if we have to resort to this.' our tape war ends when grant comes by, and she calls him over. he's bored too, and she'd rather talk to him than me...

amit won't let me go on break until i eat another raw green bean, so after 10 minutes of protesting, i finally do it. him and malik laugh forever, and when rashid comes back, they tell him how he missed it, and try to make me eat another one so he can watch.

i go up for a roll of pennies, and it's marie... there's a low door between us, that comes about a half-foot above my waist. i lean against the door, and she comes over and stands right next to it, putting her face inches away from mine. she takes my money, and asks what i want, with her face way closer than normal. what do i want? i know what i want... i can't remember what i came up here for, though. i finally remember, and my hands are gripping the top of the door tightly. instead of getting it for me, she turns her attention to the registers, where absolutely nothing is happening. but she goes to the other side of the doorway, and looks again, and then she leans forward, like she's trying to get a better view, and her breast rests on the top of my hand. my jaw drops open and my breath catches. i compose myself and glance at her, hoping she didn't notice. she's still staring intently at the registers, and i turn all the way around, getting an eyeful of her as i go, to see what she's looking at. malik is ringing up a customer and rashid is leaning against his register, doing nothing. there is nothing worth looking at out there. so why is she still looking? she sees me looking at them, and stands back up, and leans against the wall, staring at me in silence. i turn back to her, and she just stands there, holding the two quarters i gave her, watching me.
'so, can i have my pennies?' i ask.
she smiles, but doesn't move to get them.
'pleeeeease???' i beg, and then she gets them. she comes back and holds them out to me, but when i go to take them, she pulls them away. you would think that one or both of us would tire of this game, but i think we both enjoy it every time. (i know i do, anyway...) i lunge for them, and she pulls them away and backs up. i step back, and she holds them out to me again. after a while, i stop aiming to grab the roll of pennies, and just aim for any part of her arm or hand. i touch her a lot, but never manage to get the pennies. she finally gives them to me when she notices a customer on self-check who needs my help.
i want marie. i spend the rest of the night alternating between wanting her and laughing at rashid. laughing at rashid is healthy, but i don't think this whole marie thing is. i don't think anything is ever going to come of it. i think she just wants me to want her, but doesn't want me, and doesn't want me to have her. i think i should quit thinking about her. i don't know how likely it is that i'll actually be able to do that, but i think it would be best if i did.

rashid and i ride the bus home. we talk about typing numbers in on the registers, and he says that terrie's no good at it. she types all the numbers with her middle finger, and that's slow and weird, because it's faster with 3 fingers, and most people who do it all with one finger use their first finger. i tell him that she probably does a lot of other things with that finger too, and is just used to using it. he laughs forever, and i watch him laugh. it makes a few people on the bus look at us, and you can tell they're curious... i like me and rashid. it reminds me of me and holly, how everything is funny and everybody wants to be in on it. i'm watching him as he calms down, and i notice that he has nice lips. they're nice and full. i wonder what it would be like to kiss him. and then i wonder what in the world i'm doing wondering that. just when i had given up all hope that i could ever like a guy, a thought like that pops into my head... i'm so interested that i try to imagine myself kissing him, and then touching him, but that's sick. it makes me wince. i don't want to touch him. i really don't. with marie, i think i don't want to touch her, but oh god, i do want to touch her... with him, there's no buts. i don't want to touch him. at all. the end. lips are lips, but there's a big difference between the rest of a guy's body and the rest of a girl's body. girls bodies are things that i want to touch. guys bodies aren't. except now i'm all scared, and confused, and worried that maybe i'm not as gay as i think, and i'm only gay because i'm taking the easy way out, and i've convinced myself that i like girls' bodies, but if i tried hard enough, i could think the same about guys. i'm confused enough that i could ramble forever, but i need to sleep now...

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I've given you many examples of me when I first came out so I don't know if I ever told you this one but here it is anyway.

Right after I came out I started hanging out with Cori and Riley but the GLBCCB (Gay Lesbian Bisexual Community Center of Baltimore)had this meeting every Saturday called SAIM (I forget what it stands for) and it was for ppl in my age range. So I always tried to get Cori to go but there was always a reason that she couldn't go. So one Saturday I got fed up with being the youngest and not having more options as far as who I hung out with. So I decided to go down to the GLCCB by myself.

I caught the bus down so I had to walk through the Rite Aid parking lot and cross the street. Now the GLCCB is right next to Lambda Rising (the gay book store)and I was used to going in there all the time. Anyway as I was crossing the street and freaking out because I am really shy and I hate going to any kind of group meeting by myself because I feel alone and utterly pathetic. Well just as I go across the street all these flaming ass gay boys come out the building to smake with a couple of really "stereotypical" gay girls. I looked at them and turned and went into Lambdas. There was no way in hell I was gay enough to go into that meeting.

Now that was not the first time I ever had that though or the last because even now I never feel gay enough. But it was a moment I look back on and it helps me put a lot of things in persepective sometimes.

Being gay is not about how you look or how you dress it is not even about who you fuck. It's honestly about who you love. And when you say you aren't gay enough you are judging yourself based on society standards. And if you are going to do that then you might as well not even be gay at all since society says that is wrong. (<===My speech to myself)

When I first starting hanging out with Riley and the "crew" I never looked at girls. I mean if I caught feelings then you were hot, if you were my friend and you had a phat ass of course I noticed but just to be walking down the street and see a girl and notice her ass was not something I did. But Riley and them we could be walking down the street or in the car or watching tv and they noticed and I was like "Dude I must not really be gay because I don't look at girls like that. I mean if I was really gay I would look at and notice girls and want to do the stuff they want to do right. I mean maybe I am just faking it to have somebody to hang out with you."

You can't fake it. Who would? You aren't even out yet and look at the hell being gay puts you through on a regular basis? Would you really fake it on purpose? As for kissing Rashid. Girl, lips are lips but hips aren't hips. Your desire for whats between Marie's hips and your disgust for whats between Rashid's hips has nothing to do with the lushness of Rashid's lips. They probably look like girl lips. :0)


~Jay~

hey, that was a doubly positive comment... because i've been worrying about the whole never looking at girls thing too. i mean, i know i want marie. but i almost never see a girl once or twice, and think she's hot, just like that. rashid and malik have this game, and every time they see a young, decent-looking girl walk in the door, one of them will give the other a discreet nod, and then they'll rate her out of 5, using their hands. (people notice, but don't know what they're talking about.) if she's a 4 or a 5, or sometimes even a 3, they'll keep sneaking glances at her, and they'll take bets on whose checklane she'll go through, and stuff like that. i never do that, and when they play, i wonder if what's wrong with me, because even if they knew i was a lesbian, or even if i was a guy, i wouldn't be so interested in that. i only think girls are hot if i've known them for a while. i was so worried about myself that i honestly put myself in training, so i would start appreciating the hotness of girls i don't know... i picked out celebrities who i thought were good-looking, like alicia keys, and nelly furtado, and shakira, and trained myself to look at them and want them. like i would force myself to sit down, and watch the videos, and make myself stare at their asses or their lips or their breasts, and tell myself now that's a nice ass. appreciate it. it's worked on them, and any time i see one of them, i think they're hot, of my own free will. but i still don't really notice other hot girls on tv, or hot girls in real life...
at least i know i'm the only one who's ever thought like that... and just as soon as i find my own group of lesbian friends, i can grow out of it...

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