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stupidfool
i decided that i'm going to stop wanting marie. because it's not good for me and it's sure not getting me anywhere but frustrated. that was the plan. and in the morning, here, it was going just fine. then i went to work, and that plan was gone the second i saw her... well, not right away. i looked at her, wanted her, gave myself a stern lecture, and didn't go over there. i went over to self-check, and forced myself to not look at her. somebody left an empty cart by me, and instead of putting it away, i climbed on it. i was sitting on it, running self-check, when justin came over to put it away. i told him no, and we fought over it for a while. i tugged on one end, and he tugged on the other, and when i refused to give in, he let me keep it and went outside to bring in carts. a few minutes later, marie saw it, and told me to put it away. i really didn't want to start any play-fight, and my aim wasn't to get to touch her, or to make her pay attention to me. i just thought it would be dumb to give in to her, when i had fought so hard with justin just 2 minutes ago. so i said no. she said yes, or she'd make me eat a green bean. we fought verbally for a while, and then she came out and wrestled me for it. monique came over to help, and then justin came in and helped too. we looked pretty immature, i'm sure, but amazingly enough, even though it was 3 against 1, i was hanging on pretty well. then ayrik came up behind me, and poked one finger in each of my sides, and i squealed, jumped, and somehow wound up sitting indian style on the floor. they all laughed, and marie told me i was cute, and put the cart away. and i wanted her. the stop-wanting-marie plan was all gone, and i was back on the get-marie-to-touch-me plan.

so a few minutes later, when she was hanging over the low door, swinging a set of keys, i wandered over there to see when i was due for my break. as i was looking, she dropped the keys. the door was locked, and the keys that opened it were on the floor, on my side. she asked me sweetly, 'can you get those?' i said yeah, and i did, but instead of giving them to her, i took them back over to the break list. she asked, in that same sugar-sweet voice, 'will you give them to me?' i gave her a cheerful smile, and answered brightly, 'nope!'
then i went over and leaned against the wall outside the doorway, where it would look like i thought i was out of her reach, but i knew if she stretched, she could reach me. she begged for a while, and i just stood there, and then when i glanced over at self-check, she lunged at me, grabbed my arm, and pulled me towards her. the keys were in my other hand, so she threw her other arm around my shoulder, and grabbed my other arm. she stayed in that position for one wonderful moment... she was practically hugging me. i was practically in her arms. if it weren't for the damn door, keeping the bottom halves of our bodies apart, this would be the most perfect position ever. (of course, if it weren't for the door, there wouldn't be a key, and if there wasn't a key, we wouldn't be in this position to begin with. so maybe i am grateful for the door.) then her hand started creeping down my arm, closer to the keys. the last thing i wanted to do was move, but i had to keep playing the game, and keep the keys away from her. i didn't want to leave her arms, and i wasn't sure that was strong enough for that, even if i wanted to. so i quickly said, 'uh-oh,' and dropped to my knees. she was still hanging onto my free arm, but the hand that had been creeping down my key-arm was forced to retreat back up to my shoulder. i guess that was when monique looked over, and saw me kneeling in front of the door, looking up at marie, and she started laughing, and pointed me out to justin, who started laughing too. marie realized that i looked funny, and she and i both laughed too, and she rubbed my shoulder and my back, all friendly, and said 'you're too much.' after a minute, she stopped rubbing and started trying for the keys again. when she figured out that she couldn't reach them, she started threatening me, and then she grabbed the area between my shoulder and my neck, and said 'give them to me.' i didn't, so she started pinching, and eventually it hurt enough that i yelped, thrust the keys up at her, and ran back over to self-check, holding the spot she had pinched. she called after me, 'awww... i'm sorry.' i quickly helped a few impatient customers, who had been waiting, and then marie called over again, 'i'm sorry, loser. are you ok?'
i put my hand on that spot, and told her, 'no, i'm dead.'
she said, 'come here, let me see,' so i did. i wasn't sure if she wanted to see the actual skin or not, so i solved the problem by just saying, 'ouch. i'm dead,' and collapsing onto the counter, face down.
she laughed, and then put her hand on my back, and gently rubbed from my back to my shoulder and back down my back. my face was still buried in the counter, so i knew it was ok that my eyes slipped shut and my mouth fell open. she kept rubbing. it wasn't ok that my hands were about to leave my sides, reach out and pull her towards me, and i remembered why i couldn't want marie... because this is as good as it gets, and this is torture, so i jumped up off the counter and told her, 'but i might live, anyway,' and went back over to self-check, all mad at myself.

justin was talking to me, so ayrik came over, and then alyssa came by and poked ayrik in the side. he didn't react, and i asked, 'how come that doesn't bother anybody but me?' alyssa kept going and justin went with her.
ayrik answered, 'because you're fucking ugly.' ouch...
i know i'm not a supermodel or anything, but ugly's kind of harsh... what do you say to that? i asked timidly, 'i am?'
he said, 'yeah, look at you. there's a hair growing out of your fucking cheek. did you forget to shave today? you're probably one of those man-girls, with too many male horomones. i bet you have a hairy back too. and a hairy butt. a hairy chest. tomorrow you'll probably have a beard. fucking ugly.'
i said, 'oh,' and he sighed in disgust and walked away.
when i go on break, i look, and there is a dark hair growing out of my cheek. there's actually two, one on each side, in different spots, but both where a beard would be, if i had a beard. i get scared. i look down my shirt, and my chest's still not hairy... but i don't have any way to remove this hair from my cheek... i try tugging on it, but i can't get a good grip.
when i get home, the first thing i do is get a pair of tweezers and yank the two hairs out of my cheeks, and then i check my back in the mirror, and there's still no hair there either, and my butt's not hairy, but i guess the crack is. isn't that normal? how would you even get the hair out? some famous person gets it waxed, according to sfb, but ouch! (and why am i thinking about hairy butts again? i think i have issues...)

i got out of order here, too. at work, i avoided marie until my second break. then i went up there, and she was there, with this meat guy. he was at one table, and she was at another, eating pizza and dipping it into some red runny sauce. i didn't know the meat guy, so i sat at marie's table and ate my lunchable in silence. she started talking to me, though, and offered me some pizza. it had peppers and onions on it, and i don't like vegetables, so i declined, with an explanation. then the 3 of us started talking about food, and how i was picky, and all sorts of weird foods. at some point, she called me a smart cookie, and i said, 'cookies are good. yum! but i'm not one, because then you would have to want to eat me. you don't, though, do you?' i hadn't intended to wind up here when i had started the sentence, and i felt a little weird. she looked at me like i was insane, and then said no. i think i was disappointed by that answer. i definitely felt something that was a little abnormal. anyway, we discussed food for about my whole break, and i stood up to check the schedule before i went back down. marie told me, 'here, dip your finger into this sauce, and try it.' i said no. we argued. i finally said, 'you can't make me,' which was the wrong (or maybe right) thing to say, because she stood up, and chased me down, and grabbed me from behind. she put one hand on each of my arms, and we wrestled until she finally succeeded in getting some of the sauce on my thumb. then she put the sauce down, and we wrestled some more. she tried to get my thumb in my mouth, and i said no way, and thrust it towards her mouth. she looked at my thumb, and for a second, i thought she was going to lick it, but then she let go of me, dipped her own finger into the sauce, licked it, and said, 'there, see.' i think i was disappointed again... she went back to wrestling me, until she finally managed to get my thumb into my mouth. it was hot!!! it was worse than that stupid chip she had shoved in my mouth before. i felt like my whole mouth and throat were on fire. i lunged for the drinking fountain, and her and the meat guy were laughing like crazy. i finally came back, and the water hadn't really done much good. i got some of my chocolate and ate that while they discussed my low tolerence for spicy foods. he dipped his finger in it and licked it, and it didn't bother him at all. my mouth was finally starting to go back to normal when marie put the sauce in my face and said, 'here, drink the rest.' (there wasn't much left.) i told her to drink it herself, so she did, and when she showed no reaction, i reacted for her, by jumping up and down, fanning my mouth, and saying, 'ouch! your mouth!' they both laughed for a while, and then i went back up front, where alyssa and taysha wanted to know what had taken so long. (it had been twice as long as it was supposed to be.) i felt guilty. guilty becuase i took a long break, and guilty because i was supposed to be trying not to want marie, not wrestling her and hoping she would lick my fucking thumb... i tried to explain, but what i actually said was, 'it took so long because marie made me eat my thumb!' they just thought i was stupid. taysha called me a dumb-dumb.

i felt so guilty about that incident that i actually did avoid marie for the rest of the night, except for once when i needed change and art was gone. i acted as uninterested as possible, and she told me, 'awww, look at your hair. you're so cute.' (it was raining outside, which meant all those straight strands of hair that stay back or behind my ears had curled up.) i tried not to care, but i fucking did. i don't want to be cute to her; i want to be hot to her. and i don't want to want that either, because i don't she thinks i am, and i don't think she ever will think that, and i think this is bad for me. she drives me fucking crazy.

i went through 52 tissues today, at work, in an 8-hour shift. sore throats are tolerable. runny noses are just annoying.

i have a final tomorrow. i haven't studied yet. i told molly we would study tomorrow, before the final, but at this point, i'll be lucky to be awake...

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'Tis I again

(Anonymous)
Hey, just a few quick comments:
(a) It's Carmen Electra (Scary Movie, Baywatch) who shaves her butt.
(b) When eating something hot/spicy, drink milk rather than water. Milk cools down the effect, water opens the pores and allows more chilli to get in (and the reason I know that is kinda disturbing and shall be saved for another time).
(c) In my experience, the worst possible way to insult any woman is to call her ugly. And any guy who uses that for no reason or in jest, IMHO, is an arse.

TTYL,
SFB.

as for (b), ice cream works great too! (the reason i know that isn't disturbing at all... i'm intrigued...) i was dying for some ice cream, but since i was already 15 minutes late, all i had was water and chocolate, so i made do.

Disturbing stuff...

(Anonymous)
K, the reason I know about chilli opening up yer pores is because it has been known that in some countries, they use a certain form of torture thus: first they hang the person upside down and spray him down with hot water. This opens up the pores. Then they dip him in chilli powder (or something similar), immediately following this by dipping him in cold water to seal up the pores - now containing chilli - again. So the guy has chilli underneath his skin, sealed in for a good long time. Ouch, methinks...

I shall leave you to savour every nuance of the pain...

SFB

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