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stupidfool
what a mess i am... i slept through all my classes today. last night around 3 am, i was talking online to molly, telling her how i had to go to my one class just to get the homework assignment. so today at the time i was supposed to be in that class, she happened to be at her computer, saw i was still asleep, and went to my class and got the homework for me! wow. how nice.

i woke up barely in time for work. jim has today off, and i am soo relieved. i am terrified of seeing him. christine was there. she was on register when we were busy and then on her way back to the service desk, she bagged for me and that joe guy came in and made sure to say hi to her. i just laughed. i said 'that man is funny.' she said 'that man likes me.' i said 'i know, that's funny.' she scolds me 'loser, that is NOT funny.' but she's laughing too.

later she asks if i went to my classes and i tell her no. she says 'you and me are going to have to have a talk...' i say i'm going tomorrow though. she asks how many i have, and if i'm going to all of them. i say yeah, for sure. i better. i will... hopefully...

a long time later, my register is doing the 'need fresh till' thing again. i tell her, and right after i tell her, dana comes over and sends me on break. christine opens up 2nd express right as i go on break. i go to get something to buy, and by the time i get up there, she's already closed off. she still has customers, but she's closed off to more, so i go stand at the end of regular express. she calls 'loser!' i look over there and she does this little motion with her head, telling me to come over there. i feel silly and i shuffle over there. she laughs and says 'don't be shy.' how nice... she stayed open just to get me through the line faster. i eat faster than i've ever ate in my life so i can be back up there by the time she cleans out my drawer. i don't want to miss the chance to smell her. wow, that's pitiful. i make it just in time though. she smells SO GOOD!

the highlight of my night, though, is when i need a key to get some cash that i've already locked up. she gives it to me and i do what i need. then i go to take it back and let her know that i'm out of 10s. she says it's ok becuase she wants me to switch drawers anyway and hands me a different one. so i take it but am still holding the key out to her. she puts her hand over mine and pushes it back towards me, down into the drawer i'm holding, becuase i need the key to switch drawers. her hand is warm and it makes me feel good. it is the first time she has purposefully touched me. i float back to my register.

some lady needs cigarettes and i always have trouble remembering all the adjectives that go with those... menthol or non menthol, regular, light, or ultra light, soft pack or box or carton of soft packs or of boxes... maybe it's easier if you're a smoker and know what those things mean, but for me it's hard. so i go up there and ask christine 'can i have 2 boxes of marlboro menthol ultra lights?' only she's helping terrie with something and while they finish up she asks me why i say 'can' so funny. she thinks i have an accent. we say 'can' back and forth, her trying to show me the normal way to say it. i maybe finally get it, i don't know. so then she's done and goes to get the cigarettes and asks 'what did you need again?' i wrinkle up my nose but all i can remember is a million different ways to say 'can'. 'i forget,' i finally say. we both laugh and i have to go get the lady to tell me again. that was laughing together again, not laughing at loser's stupidity. i'm happy.

so it's been a real good day, and then about 45 minutes before close (i'm there til close), jim comes in. boy do i panic. i can't see him. i can't talk to him. i pretend i don't notice him. he's up at the service desk, talking to terrie mostly, but christine a little bit. i have to go up there to get a gift card for some lady though. jim says hey, what's up. i act all cool but inside i'm screaming at christine to hurry with that gift card. i tell him not much and she gives me the card and i take off back to my register. he's over in one corner talking to terrie and christine calls me intercom line one. she's over in the other corner with the phone. she says, in a low voice so he doesn't hear, 'he's 30. i checked.' the first thing i think about this is that this low whisper-type thing is turning me on. her voice sounds good to me usually, but when she lowers it, damn. all i can think to reply is a slighly sarcastic 'great.' of course, after i hang up the phone, i think about the actual words instead of the voice they were spoken in, and 30 is old! i mean, it's not old like grandmother old, but it's old compared to me! and he knows that we are 10 years apart, and he still asked me those things? he doesn't know that i know how old he is, so this isn't my fault. can i still back out with the excuse that i didn't know he was 30? and why the hell is he here? it is making me fucking nervous. luckily, the steady stream of customers never stops. then i think he left, but 10 minutes later, he's back! i am going crazy. am i never safe? and how did this happen? 2 days ago, jim was just this nice guy who i liked to talk to, and now i'm terrified of him. then he leaves again. i am so scared that he is coming back. or waiting outside until close. the second i get a break in my line, i go up to the service desk and ask christine/terrie 'did he leave?'
terrie asks 'huh?'
christine asks 'jim?'
i say yeah and terrie says yeah, he left.
christine laughs at how nervous i am and asks 'are you glad?' i tell her yeah. terrie is confused.
i try to explain 'i'm scared of him.' and something about how he likes me.
terrie says 'oh, jim's just freindly.'
christine says 'no, he likes her. jane told me.'
terrie is amazed. probably becuase she doesn't know how a 30-year-old can like a 7-year-old. i dont't know how that is possible either. what is he thinking???
i tell them how i fucked up bad and said i wanted to see a movie with him by accident, so now he probably thinks i like him too. terrie wants to know if we've set a definite date yet, and i reply, with feeling, 'no. and i'm going to spend the rest of my life avoiding him so we don't!' they crack up.
this is all new to terrie, so she's asking the same stuff i already explained to christine, if i don't like him and stuff, and i have to explain how i like him, i just don't LIKE him. so then
terrie asks why i don't LIKE him, if it's becuase of the age. i already told christine it wasn't, and she's standing right there. so i can't just lie and say yeah. i say no. she asks 'then why?'
what do i say to that? becuase i'm gay? right... i say 'just because.'
not a good enough answer for her. she says 'well he's a really nice freindly guy and he's cute too. if the age doesn't bother you, why do you not like him?'
i don't like where this conversation is headed. i say i just don't like him like that.
she says there has to be a reason.
i say just becuase and then i hustle back to my register becuase the belts are suddenly looking very dirty to me.
and i am thinking about this. does there have to be a reason? do straight people ever not like somebody just becuase? i think i should easily be able to reverse it so it applies to me. like if i pretended that it was molly. i like molly, but i don't LIKE molly, even though i am capable of being attracted to members of that sex. i guess the real question is if molly suddenly decided that she LIKEd me, would i be willing to give that relationship a try? that's a hard thing to think about, becuase i know it would never happen. but if it did, i probably would... not becuase i LIKE her but becuase if i knew she did, i would be willing to see if i could change my feelings since i do like her. does that make sense? so is that the way it works for straight people too? if a guy LIKES a girl and the girl likes the guy, is she always willing to give dating him a try, even if she doesn't LIKE him from the start? is terrie suspiscious? i'm really afraid that she suspects, and was just trying to see if she could get me to say it. see, terrie is hot. she's old, or probably like jim's age anyway. and she's not half as nice as christine, so i don't have any strange obsession with her. but when she's in front of me, i probably sometimes look at her. she looks good! i can't help it! i don't stare or anything, but maybe she's noticed... am i jumping to conclusions again? maybe she just thinks that there's some particular thing about jim that i don't like, and wanted to know what that was. but i don't know... so now i'm terrified of jim AND terrie. great.

plus, i feel bad. jim told jane this, probably expecting that it would stay between the 2 of them. then jane told christine, christine told me, and the two of us told terrie. and now christine and terrie both know i don't like jim. and i'm sure that christine will tell jane, next time they work together. if word keeps getting around like this, half the store is going to know that i don't like jim and poor jim will have no idea that everyone is discussing his love life. i should have just kept my mouth shut, and it would have stayed with just jane and christine. that would be better... but i was scared. i had to know if he was gone, and terrie was the one who knew the answer. poor jim. look what he gets for falling for a lesbian. it's not his fault. i feel awful... if i had purple skin, none of this would be happening... how can i stop this from going anywhere, fast, short of coming out of the closet, and while doing minimal damage to jim's feelings? (that is a real question, and if any therapists or geniuses or other people with answers happen to stumble upon this journal, i would sure appreciate an answer...)

so then work is over and i leave and christine asks to make sure i don't want a ride home, and jokes, 'but i bet if jim were here, you would want one from him...' i just say 'definitely not.' and i leave. so it was a good christine day, but the whole jim thing is keeping me from being happy. i'm scared and i feel guilty.

ok, so a little homework, then to bed, then up and to all of my classes tomorrow. here's hoping...

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