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stupidfool
first, rashid. he is great. the kid could make a gravestone smile. he's so goofy... if i were at all attracted to him, i would want to marry him...

anthony was talking to me today, a lot. he asked me to describe my ideal guy. there was nothing happening, and taysha (whose cornrows are gone), rashid, and this new cashier, shay, were all listening too. rashid joked that it was jim, and i quickly joked back with him, glad to avoid the real question, but anthony ignored us and suggested, 'like justin timberlake?' i said no. he asked shay for some suggestions, and she suggested the guys from blink 182... i said no, and they kept suggesting more guys. i was so uncomfortable... the more i said 'no' to their suggestions, the more uncomfortable i got... and rashid, whose favorite thing in the world is to make people uncomfortable, was the only one who seemed to be on my side... he kept saying things to distract them, like 'what about malik?' i would jump in, gratefully, 'yeah! malik is sexy!' they would let us joke a little, and then anthony would pull me right back on topic: 'how about usher?' rashid kept trying to get them off-topic, and i helped, but they wouldn't give up. it was becoming obvious that they wouldn't quit until i either named a guy or came out of the closet... so finally, when shay suggested lenny kravitz, i answered, 'no, more like maxwell.' she nodded in agreement, and said, 'girl, maxwell is sexy!' anthony was satisfied too, and left me alone for about 2 minutes, while i hated myself for taking the easy way out. i don't want to tell the truth. i don't think i'm ready to tell the truth to the world... i know i'll tell the truth to my friends before i come out at work... but i hate myself so much when i lie like that.
then i was bagging for rashid, who was joking about terrie and 'bad' girls, and anthony came up and started talking about maxwell, and other guys. i don't want to talk about guys. i don't want to lie. aurgh. rashid comes to my rescue, by joking, 'hey man, you better watch it...'
anthony asked 'huh?'
rashid said, 'you can't keep flirting with her like that... that's malik's girl there, and you know he gets jealous...'
anthony huffed that he wasn't flirting, and then he left and didn't talk to me again for the rest of the night. i was glad.
so i was grateful for rashid, but not content with being just grateful... of course, i've got to be nervous to go with it... does he know the truth? obviously, if he does, he doesn't care, because he's trying to help me protect my closet... or is it just a coincidence, that he happened to be saying all the right things? or maybe he could tell i was uncomfortable, so he wanted to help me out, but he doesn't know why i was uncomfortable?

terrie kept asking me if she could punch me. i don't really know why, but finally, i went up for some change, and she asked 'can i punch you?' and grabbed my arm. i winced when she pulled back her fist and she and teena both laughed at me. terrie said, 'i can't punch you... i think just grabbing your arm hurt you... you don't get in fights, do you?' i said no. she said, 'because you'd lose, wouldn't you?' i said yes. they thought it was funny that i didn't even try to deny it. i thought it was nice that terrie had touched my arm.

marie joked with me, just friendly, like always... she kept calling me by my full name, and telling me that 'marie bob' just didn't sound as good. i told her i thought it sounded better. i only got to touch her at the end of the day, when i went up there, making a motion for a key. she put her hand next to mine, and mocked my hand motion, wiggling her fingers towards mine, so i wiggled my fingers all over hers and wished i could touch more than just her hand... michelle told me she would bring the key and finish it, and i should go home before they had to pay me overtime.

i wrote josephine the check. she thanked me a lot of times. i think she will pay me back... i hope...

jim emailed me back, already. i asked him what he meant when he said he had done the same for me. that was about all i said in my email, and i put about 20 question marks after it. it was definitely a major question. his answer:
I have done my part to disspell rumors about you. Nothing serious, just the usual stuff.
and that's it. either he was feeling especially lazy when he wrote the email, or he doesn't want to go into specifics...
he also suggested that we see that movie, sometime before i go home for easter. i would think (or hope) that he just means as friends. i am 99% sure that's all he means. and i'm 99% sure that i want to. i like jim, and i like talking to people who know the truth. with christine gone, i like jim. i know we're never serious, but maybe we can drop a serious line in here or there... but the part of me that's afraid to trust josephine to pay the money back is also afraid to trust that jim doesn't have some plan to turn me straight... i can't not be paranoid.

and finally, i've been thinking about christine (as always). see, i don't need her to come out. i really don't. there is nothing she could say to me that i can't say to myself, or that i couldn't find online somewhere. she might make it easier on me, because i know having her behind me would make me more motivated, but if i knew she was gone, i would have no choice but to find the motivation in myself, and i think i could do it. the problem is that i don't know she's gone. i'm nearly positive she's gone... but i'm still clinging to the hope that if i wait long enough, i will be able to come out of the closet AND have her behind me. and i don't want to come out by myself now, if i still think that there's a chance that i could wait, do it later, and get both. i don't need her advice, but i want it anyway. i don't need her support, but i want it anyway. is there even a chance i could get that, or am i being dumb? how long do you think i'll wait? how long will i have to go without seeing her before i let myself believe that i can never get both?
i think at some point, i'm going to have to make a decision. i'm going to have to either decide to forget about her and do it on my own, or i'm going to have to decide that i need to talk to her again, and then i'm going to have to make that happen. i have a lot of elaborate plots to make that happen... i could try to get to her through jim... or by dropping hints to terrie... but i think the simpler, the better, and there's a few real easy options. i can ask terrie for her phone number. or (i like this one better) i could email her. i know her e-mail address. i just looked her up on my school's website again today, and she's not there any more, but i'm sure SHE doesn't know that, and she'll have no idea when they updated their databases. she was there a week or so ago... if i do it soon (within the next few weeks), i can easily say i found her through the school's website. i don't have to say i found her a year ago... i can say i did it recently, and even if she checks, and sees that she's not there, what's she going to do, accuse me of lying? that is where i found it. and email is better than calling because i am 100% in control of what i say... i don't have to worry about interrupting anything... i won't be as nervous (hopefully)... and (perhaps most importantly) i don't have to talk to terrie.
a small problem with this is that i know she doesn't check her e-mail often. (i know this because back when i used to guess at answers to her secret question, it would lock me out of the guessing screen until she logged back into her account. sometimes i would have to wait 2 or 3 weeks before i could guess again.) if she goes 30 days, hotmail will delete my message, and i wouldn't know if she ignored me or just didn't read it. BUT, i was back at hotmail today, and her secret question is back. theoretically, i can tell exactly when she checks her email, and i will know if it's been 30 days or not. the plan would be: i lock myself out of that screen right now. then, every day, i check back, to see if i can get at that screen. the day i can get to that screen is day 1. i immediately send her the pre-composed, carefully analyzed message, lock myself out again, and count the number of days i am still locked out. if 30 days pass and i still can't get back to the secret question screen, it means she never saw the email. if i can get back to the screen before 30 days are up, it means she checked her email... and hopefully saw the email from me... and hopefully she read it... and hopefully she answered...
and i've also been thinking of a million reasons i could email her. i feel like there has to be a question, so i've been thinking of some topics that could work (once i picked one, i would, of course, spend hours rephrasing until i found the best way to word it), all prefaced by something like 'i know this seems like a dumb question, but it's really important to me...':
1) what exactly did you say to jim when you told him about me? (because i want to know a good way to say it, if i were to say it to someone else...)
2) you said most of the people at work knew about me... do they think the same thing about molly, like that we're together?
3) do you think it would be bad to tell them without saying the words?
4) something about religion....
then say something normal, like how are you, and say thank you, and say bye, the end.

major problems with this plan:
1) (this is a lot of ifs) what if i went through with it and sent the email, and checked to see when she got her mail next, AND she got her mail within 30 days, AND she didn't answer me? if she didn't answer, i know i wouldn't be able to give up. having come that close, and having spent all those days checking to see if she had checked, i would be even less likely to just give up. i would only be able to think of a million what-ifs. maybe she didn't answer because she didn't want to... but what if she gets so much junk mail that she didn't notice me? or what if she has her junk mail filter set to block all users not on her 'ok' list? or what if she wasn't in the mood to answer that time, but plans on answering next time she logs in? if she answered, i would be ok. if she didn't make it within 30 days, i would be ok (just send again). but if she checked the mail and didn't answer, i would drive myself crazy. i would go insane, hoping that she didn't read it and not care. and i would have even less hope than i have now. now, she was disinterested one day, when she saw me for a few seconds. i sometimes get a little worried, but i've pretty much convinced myself that it was just a bad day for her, and she doesn't hate me. if she blew me off once in person, and didn't answer my e-mail, that would be twice... i think i would cry. but i would still not be convinced. that would be a bad situation... worse than the one i have now.

2) why? why would i do this to begin with? what am i really hoping to get from this? would it not be best to just decide to forget about ever contacting her again? i feel like i'm on a see-saw... i don't know what's best for me, in the long run. there's too many variables... i can't even sort them all out.
if i don't try to talk to her, and i never see her again, maybe i'll get over her faster. good.
but if she still cares about me, i don't want to get over her. i want to be her friend, and if i give up without fighting, i'll never know if i could have had that. bad.
so if i talk to her and she still cares, i'll be happy. good.
but it could be only temporary, if she helps me through this, and then leaves again, that would just be prolonging my agony. bad.
but it would help me through this, and get me out of the closet. good.
but they could hate me for it, and then i would have rather stayed in. bad.
but maybe she'll care for longer than just this, and i can be her friend. good.
unless i go back to wanting more than just friendship, and if i was her friend, that could happen. bad.
and if i try talk to her and she doesn't answer, or she answers but it's obvious that she doesn't still care, i'll hurt worse. bad.
the 'bad's outnumbered the 'good's. but my god, they're all in nested if statements, all dependant on each other... just counting them is meaningless... i don't know...

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