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the word of the day is fuck. if you don't like it, don't read it.
stupidfool
it's been just another day. i got my dose of sexual frustration, coming from marie, a little bit of in general frustration from terrie, some laughter, courtesy of rashid, and, of course, i still miss christine.

rashid tells prudy, in front of terrie, that terrie likes her. terrie jumps in and says no, she goes for the older woman, like the one she has now. she means it, we think. we think it's the lady who brought her food the other day... the one who she bought the flowers for. terrie has a fucking girlfriend. of course i didn't have a chance, even if she didn't. i don't even think i want a chance, really. i just want something... i don't know. i want a christine substitute, and i want it to be terrie, and it's just not, no matter how you look at it. she doesn't even fucking talk to me, except to tell me i'm crazy.

some guy tried to steal some 800 dollars worth of medicine from the store. the cop caught him, but he tried to run. marie went outside when she heard the commotion, and the cop asked her to get him help, and a few random customers helped him, and marie got teena to call the cops. they came, and the guy got taken away, all bloody. marie was fucking dramatic about it, and terrie made fun of her.

then one of the self-check stations broke. terrie told me to tell marie. i did and she came over, still all excited about the whole mess. she told me she was going to call her mom and tell her she almost got shot today. i told her she didn't. she said she did. i told her the guy didn't have a gun. she said 'but if he did, i could have gotten shot.'
i said, 'well if you had a gun, i could get shot. i should call my mom and tell her i almost got shot today.'
she said that was different, and then smiled and added, 'but even if i had a gun, i wouldn't shoot you, because i like you,' and then she tossed her arm around my shoulder and leaned her head over so her cheek was pressing against mine. i put my arm around her shoulder for a half a second, and then it was done rebooting, and she let go of me to work on it. i fucking want her. i fucking love the way her face felt against mine.
then terrie comes over, and says 'see, i told you marie could fix it' (even though it's not fixed yet), and tosses her arm around marie. marie puts her arm around terrie and then they stand there, just leaning into each other, smiling cheerfully and i am fucking insane. i want both of them, either of them, fuck.

prudy is there. terrie is fucking attatched to prudy, except for when prudy is attatched to terrie. it goes both ways. prudy is straight, but is addicted to the idea of making people want her, and she knows it works best on terrie. i swear she tries it on me, too, though, and i don't even know if she thinks i'm gay or just thinks she's so fucking fine that even a heterosexual female can't resist her. she has 2 half gallons of milk, and some guy jokes, 'look at the jugs on that girl,' and of course she loves that, so she puts the gallons right under her breasts, and walks around with them sticking out like an extra set of tits. she asks terrie, 'want some milk?' terrie raises her eyebrows and asks if that's an appropriate question. so prudy turns to me and asks me if i want some milk. i tell her no. terrie laughs and says 'ooooh, denied...'
then they go to weigh themselves, and terrie (who is maybe 5'5") is 132. prudy (who is about 5'1") is 130. neither of them are fat, the way i see it. they're both fairly thin looking. terrie is amazed that their weight is so close, counting their height difference, and tells me. i don't fucking care, but prudy insists, 'it's not my fault.' i'm not looking at her, so she keeps saying my name, until i look, and then i see that she's sticking her boobs out as she says that, meaning it's not her fault because all her weight comes from them. i just shake my head like she's insane, and terrie tells me, 'don't mind her. she's feeling a little full of herself today,' and prudy gets mock insulted, and they run off, teasing each other.
i don't think prudy is attractive. i don't think her tits are all that great. i think she's a nice girl, but i think it's stupid of her to try so hard to make people think she's attractive. if anything, that makes her less attractive to me. so how come marie, doing the same thing, just differently, can make me want her, just like that?
(i weigh myself and i'm fucking 119, and that's with all my clothes, my shoes, and a jacket. i'm 5'7 and a half and that fucking sucks. nobody likes a toothpick. stick-thin girls are not pretty. thin is okay. i probably lean more towards girls with a little extra weight, or ones that are at least a little curvy. any way you look at it, toothpick is a turn-off. all i eat is junk. why don't i weigh more?)

rashid comes over and starts talking about malik again, and since i'm reading the break list as he says it, i draw an arrow pointing to malik's name, and write 'sexy'. he laughs and shows malik, and makes a big deal out of it. terrie comes over to see who needs a break, and i point to it and tell her, 'look! malik's sexy!'
she stares at me like she's completely shocked. she just stares, for so long that i hide my face and want to dissappear because i was just kidding, and she's looking at me like... like i don't even know. what is she thinking? that i'm serious? or maybe it's just that she's never heard me say sexy before... who knows? finally, she stops staring at me, and turns to prudy and says, 'the things that come out of that girl's mouth just floor me.'

when prudy leaves, all of a sudden, terrie's in an awful mood. all of a sudden, she's had a 'rough day,' even though it didn't get rough til prudy left. she's tired; i'll give her that. i'm just bitter, probably, because she mopes on up to the front, and marie sees her looking all worn out, and gives her a hug, and she hugs her back and it fucking kills me so much that i look away. when i look back a half a minute later, they're still in that embrace, leaning into each other, holding each other... fuck this. i want a hug. i want to be terrie. i want to be marie. i want christine to come back. where is my christine? why can't she fucking care about me?

terrie comes over and asks if i've seen malik. i answer like i shouldn't have, but i've spent so much time talking to rashid that i didn't think before answering, 'what, sexy?'
she gives me that look again, and i still can't describe it, or read what it means. finally she shakes her head and says 'you just ain't right...' and leaves.

shay won't stop saying how i think maxwell's sexy. she doesn't say it that much, i guess, just to say it to marie once and aleesha once. it's just that every time she says it, i feel like i'm telling a lie all over again and i fucking hate it.

i'm putting back the returns after i shut down self-check, and marie was walking back up front and passed me. molly was there too, facing the detergent. marie came up behind me and poked a finger in each of my sides, and i jumped because i can't fucking help it. then she starts taking stuff out of the cart, and putting it in my arms. by the time i figure out that she's making a pile, i can't just put it down because i'll crush the stuff at the bottom of the cart. shrink is bad. so i just hold it, and molly asks, 'are you going to just take that from her?' molly gets funny about me and marie. funny is not the word i mean. i can't think of the word i mean. she thinks it's ridiculous that i 'let' marie push me around like that, and when i say things, like that marie made me eat a green bean, she gets the same funny way. i tell her yeah, so i don't crush the stuff. she shakes her head and goes back to facing. marie finally makes a big enough pile in my arms that there's nothing left in the cart to crush, and she pulls me over the cart, and yanks my arms apart, so it all falls into the cart. i poke her in the side. she attempts to poke me back, but i grab her arm and twist around, out of the way, still hanging onto her arm. i like her arm. i like her body. i fucking want her. i let go, and she pokes me and then goes back up front. molly keeps facing, but she's shaking her head still. she says nothing.

i go to get the trash from the office, and a bag of dog food leaked back there. somebody took the bag, but there's a few stray pieces on the floor, so i toss one at marie. she tells me to eat it. i tell her no, eat it yourself. she tells me to. i tell her i'll eat it if she eats a green bean, which isn't what i meant at all. i meant the other way around-that i'd eat a green bean if she'd eat the dog food. but she jumps on it before i can correct myself and goes and gets a green bean, and eats it, and tells me i have to eat a piece of dog food. i say no way. i'm still squatting down, picking up the pieces, and she fucking tackles me, so i lose my balance and i'm sitting, and she holds me still with one arm wrapped tight around my waist, holding my arms down too, and uses the other arm to try to shove the piece of dog food in my mouth. i fold my lips up and press them tight shut, so she's grinding the dog food into the skin above my lip, because i've made it so she can't get at my lips. i don't want to fucking eat the dog food. i don't even want to fucking be here at all. i want to be alone with her, to have her arms around me because she wants me as bad as i want her, not because she wants to make me eat a piece of fucking dog food. and if i can't have that, i don't even want her fucking arm around me at all because this is fucking torture. or that's what i think i think, but then i don't know where all the dissappointment comes from, when teena tells marie the phone's for her, and she lets go of me. i get the dog food and the trash and leave. my upper lip hurts, where she was grinding that piece of dog food into it. i go up to the bathroom and check and it's fucking bleeding. if i were a guy, it would look like i cut myself shaving my moustache. it doesn't stop bleeding forever, and i wander around with a paper towel on it. when it finally slows down i leave the paper towel off, and it scabs over a little. it hurts. greg, the old man from night crew, offers to kiss it and make it better. he's joking, i hope. i quickly say no anyway, but before i leave, i go up to show marie what she did, and i find myself hoping that she'll make the same offer. she doesn't. teena tells me it looks painful, and i should kick marie's ass, and marie offers to let me kick her ass. i just punch her lightly in the arm and leave.

fuck everything. that's all i'm thinking right now. everything is frustrating. marie is frustrating. terrie is frustrating. shay and her obsession with me thinking maxwell is sexy are frustrating. my closet is frustrating. and christine? fucking gone, that's what she is. i need christine to come back. frustrating wouldn't matter if she was still around. i just need to fucking talk to her... why won't she come back?

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