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stupidfool
i had to work at 3 today. i allowed myself 45 minutes to get ready, and 45 minutes to catch the bus and get there. so, like the math whiz that i am, i started getting ready at 2:30. after the initial decision to get ready, i stopped looking at digital clocks, so i never actually saw the 3... as i'm about to walk out the door (because the big hand is on the 3 now), molly asks me when i work. i say 3. she says it's after 3. i look at the little hand on the clock and realize that she's right... i'm on a probationary period. i can't be late any more. so i decide i'll just call off, and i call. amit answers, and tells me this counts against me just as much, since i didn't call til after my shift started. he says i may as well come in and get paid, since it's going to count against me anyway.

when i get there, everybody wants to know if it was a late night with jim that caused me to oversleep. terrie, especially, teases me, asking 'so how was the movie?' and 'so what happened, did he spend the night or something?' at that one, i protest like crazy: 'no!!!!!!! he went home!!!!!!'
she laughs and says, 'i know, kiddo. i'm just teasing.'

terrie constructed some loser-like sentances for me, when my own attempts didn't say what i meant for them to say. molly was amused.

taysha tucked in her shirt today. i hope i wasn't blatant.

other than that, nothing happened at work. amit offered to take me home, for the millionth time, even though the bus came. i told him i had to buy milk. i am good at giving answers that have nothing to do with the question.

i work tomorrow at 9 in the morning. that's less than 7 hours, and i have to wake up in time to clean and pack and everything, because my mom is picking me up from work and i'm going home for easter. i don't know what i think about that. sometimes i think i'm ready to tell them. sometimes i think (well, sometimes i allow myself to think) that christine's not coming back, ever, and i'm going to have to do things because i want to do them, not because of how they relate to her. and i think i want to tell my family, or at least my mom and fly. i'm not sure if i'll do it. but i know i'm making progress, because the thought of telling them has become much more real to me. i've been thinking about it for a long time, and before, it was always well, i could tell them. but i don't want to. then it progressed to maybe i should tell them. not yet, though. then i actually started bringing christine's phone number with me on my trips home, thinking i better bring it just in case. i know i won't tell them, but i wouldn't want to not have it, in case something happened and i wound up telling them. and now, i might really tell them. i also might really not. i don't know yet. i guess i'll just wait and see how it goes.

(and if i do tell them, and then i see christine, i'll have something to tell her. it will be an even better reason to thank her-because she inspired me to do this. come on now, did you really think i could think something, and not have it end up back at christine?)

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