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stupidfool
my mom was in cincinatti for a conference, and she stopped here on her way home and took me out to lunch. i had to interview her for my class... the questions were about how i was raised, and how my parents thought of me when i was young, in relation to gender roles, mostly. one question asked about the goals she had for me, specifically:
Did you expect me to get married when i grew up?
then it asks about the goals she had for my other siblings.

so i asked her, and she said, 'yes.'
every other question i asked, she had a million things to say about it, but this time, i wait a while, and 'yes' seems to be her only thought on that. so i ask if she expected my sisters and brother to get married too, and she said yes.
i wanted her to know she was wrong, because i won't get married, or at least not in this state. i didn't want to say it, though. i said 'i don't think jake will ever get married. he's too weird.'
she said, 'don't be mean to your brother.'
i shrugged and said, 'i don't think i'll ever get married either.'
there was silence. it felt like it lasted forever. i don't know how long we went without speaking, for real. a second, or 10 seconds, or a minute... it lasted an eternity, is all i know. i didn't know what she was going to say or what she was thinking or what i wanted her to say or think. i wanted her to know, but at the same time, i was scared of her knowing...
finally, she said lightly, 'oh, i'm sure you'll find the right guy some day, honey.'
i wanted to tell her i was sure i never would. i wanted to tell her there was no right guy, and there would never be a right guy, and that i'm pretty sure that's ok with me. i wanted to ask if it was ok with her... instead, i asked the next question in the interview, and we didn't go back to that question.
it seems like she still thinks i'm straight...? but i wonder why it took her so long to answer. i wonder if she considered that i was a lesbian in that time, or if she was just trying to think of something nice to say, or if she wasn't even thinking about that at all, and was just chewing her food...

?

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