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stupidfool
i took those surveys to work, the ones where one of the questions is whether you agree that discrimination against gays and lesbians should be illegal. i got there early because of the sunday busses, so i brought them up front, to see if i could get some people to fill them out. i had more volunteers than surveys... it ended up that rashid, taysha, jane, anthony, and marie filled them out (though amber, art, jp, and terrie all said they would do one too). anthony hardly counted, though, because terrie gave him half the answers, even though it was supposed to be his opinion. i wanted terrie to fill one out... rashid had no opinion about the gay question. anthony disagreed. the other three strongly agreed. taysha stood by me while she filled it out, and gave me her thoughts on each one... i had to tell her what affirmative action was.... when she got to the gay one, she hesitated, then remarked casually, as she circled her answer, 'sure, they're people too!' if she's calling them 'they,' it means she's not saying 'we,' which would mean that she's straight. it wouldn't surprise me, but it would be slightly disappointing.
molly and aaron both lost the surveys i gave them. i'm allowed to fill one out myself, and i was going to fill out the leftover from work, but taysha did it instead. so i made the mistake of telling molly that she and aaron both didn't have to do it-i only needed one of them, and i could do the last one. i figured molly would fill one out, and aaron wouldn't. she made him do it, though, and he's quite a feminist... of course he sgrongly agreed to the gay one... but his opinion hadn't really mattered to me. i had expected he would agree. i had expected that lauren, alana, and alana's boyfriend would agree too. i had also expected that marie and jane would agree. the one person whose opinion i really wasn't sure of, and i really wanted to hear, was molly, and she's the one person who didn't fill it out... i don't know. i'm pretty sure she's ok, but i'm not positive. i wish she would have just filled it out... i wish i wouldn't have told her she didn't have to, and she would have...
so i've been thinking, again, and i think maybe i'll hold off on molly, and just tell lauren, alana, and her boyfriend. i nearly did it last night, when we were playing rummikub and watching the real world. alana has a crazy obsession with gay guys, and every time chris and kurt came on, she shushed us all and made us stop playing so she could watch. we were all joking about that, and we would talk about that ameera (sp?) girl too... i really came close. i know i can sit around saying i came close all day, and it might sound meaningless, but it's not. i'm getting closer every day. i can't prove it, but i can feel it.
i think tuesday night, the 4 of us are going to watch the real world... alana and her boyfriend didn't say they were going to watch it here... they could watch it at his place... i don't know. i'm not making any promises to myself, because i'll just get mad at myself for breaking them.

at work, i got a raise. i didn't do anything spectacular; it was just the right number of weeks, but i like money, so i'm glad.

anthony was talking to me about sex and dating. he knows that i've not dated a guy, because molly told me a long time ago that she told him because he asked her. he thought it was weird. evidently, he thinks molly and i don't talk, because he asks me today like he didn't know the answer. i told him no, and he asked if i'd ever been out with a guy, and i said yeah. he asked if i'd ever been out with a black guy. i said no... he started talking about how i'm missing out, and i should diversify my dating experiences. i told him i hadn't had dating experiences. he talks about jim and he gets really weird... he asks if i'm a virgin, and all these strange questions... then he tells me i should lose my virginity to a black guy because 'on a scale of 1 to 10, they're the best in bed.'
i started laughing. i'm probably dumb, but i thought it was amusing that he had made sure to mention the scale of 1 to 10, but then not used it... he thought i was laughing at the thought of a black guy being good in bed, so he gets all insulted and starts telling me how there've been surveys and all this stuff... i finally told him, 'i'm not laughing at that. i just think it's funny that you set up the scale and you didn't use it.'
it takes him a minute to figure out what i'm talking about, and then he says, 'oh. ok. well they're a 10. is that better?'
i said yeah, and he left for his break.
i don't know what to think of anthony. sometimes i think he thinks i'm a lesbian... sometimes i think he just likes to make me squirm... sometimes i think he just likes to talk about sex, or he likes to talk about hot guys...

eliza quit. she actually quit like a week ago, but i didn't realize it until today.

alyssa and i were sitting in the break room, discussing stealing and christine. (she brought christine up, not me) monique got fired. she stole a bag of chips. they caught her eating it, and asked if she had paid, and she said no, but she was going to when she went back downstairs. i don't know if she would have paid, had nobody said anything. it doesn't matter, though, because the rule is that you have to pay before opening or consuming anything. deshawn got fired for not following that rule, and monique witnessed it. at least once a month, ann attatches a sheet to our paychecks re-explaining this policy. everybody knows it's the rule, monique included. alyssa was disturbed because she had overheard kelly and some others discussing how this was a race thing, and if monique had been white, she wouldn't be fired. alyssa told me that she thought that wasn't true, and it was kind of silly. i agreed with her, at first. then she added, 'when christine got fired, nobody said, 'had she been black, she wouldn't be fired.'' but i could definitely see the difference between what christine had done and what monique had done... so i thought back farther, til before alyssa worked here, and thought about everybody else who i had seen fired. the first person i ever saw fired was shannon, who is white. she was a 16-year-old cashier, and she got handcuffed and everything. one of her friend's family came through her line, with two full carts of groceries. she would scan an item, and then pass 4 over the scanner, covering the barcode so they didn't scan. they had about $200 worth of stuff, and she charged them about $40. they caught her right then, and she got fired fast. the next person i saw fired was kanesha (who is black). she repeatedly (at least 3 times, probably more) ate stuff without paying for it. she was the one who got ann started with enforcing the rule, because every time they caught her, she said she was planning to pay later, and then she would pay. ann was worried (and i think she has a right to be) that kanesha did this every day, and if nobody caught her, she just didn't ever pay. so ann started making the rule known. she made sure to pull every employee aside, and explain the rule to them, one-on-one. she also hung signs and attatched explanations to our paychecks. about a week after that, deshawn (who is also black) drank some pop without paying. he said he was planning on paying later, and maybe he was, but he would have to be blind and deaf to not know that that was against the rules. they fired him. alyssa and i analyzed this. we both agreed that the white people definitely had done worse things. nobody could argue that christine didn't mean to take the money, or that shannon hadn't meant to not charge them for all those things. with all 3 of the black people, there was the possiblity that they hadn't meant to steal. alyssa still thought there was no grounds to the race thing, and that kelly was being ridiculous. she said if any white person got caught doing what deshawn or monique had done, even if it was just that one time, and even if they said they were going to pay, they would have been fired too. i agree. but i do think it's a little strange that all 3 of the people who have been fired for breaking that rule have been black.... maybe they're not looking to catch the white people? i don't know. probably not. probably kelly is just being ridiculous. i don't really think ann or brian are prejudiced, and would certainly hope shakara isn't out to get black people, since she's black herself. i guess the majority of the people at the store are probably black, or maybe it's closer to 50-50, but either way, they're not such a minority that it completely defies the odds. and it's not like 3 people make an overwhelming trend, anyway.

before i can voice any of these thoughts, marie comes up. she comes over to us and asks me about the lunchable i'm eating, and just randomly starts rubbing my back. she talks to us for a little, but i'm pretty focused on how nice my back feels, so i don't really remember what she said. then she goes to get her stuff so she can go smoke a cigarette. she gets it and before she leaves, she asks us, 'so does anybody else think that jorge kid is really weird?'
we both raise our hands, because he is. i think he's a compulsive liar, actually. he's this new bagger, and i've already caught him contradicting himself a few times. most of his stories seem too far-fetched to be true. alyssa says she doesn't know if he's telling the truth or not, because she can't even understand him. he runs all his words together and he's always interrupting himself. i shrug and say maybe i get it because i interrupt myself all the time too. marie laughs and pats my head and tells me with a smile, 'yeah, but that's you...' the tone she uses makes the statment mean that with him, it's annoying and weird, but with me, it's endearing. alyssa tells me i'm not half as bad as jorge. marie stops rubbing my head and goes outside to smoke her cigarette.
so i wonder why marie touches me. she didn't touch alyssa (not that i'm complaining). i suppose she's just like pete from home. she probably has this list in her head, only unlike pete, her list includes both sexes. then she looks around, and out of everybody she sees, she picks the highest one on her list to talk to and touch. so all i can really get out of today is that marie prefers me to alyssa (well, and to jorge). and i know from past experience that grant is way higher than me on her list. jeff is higher than me, but not by a whole lot, because she didn't completely ignore me when he was around, and when grant's around, she pretty much does. i think i'm going to start torturing myself worse, and try to create an exact replica of marie's mental list. because really, i couldn't stare at her any more than i already do, so i may as well stare with a purpose.

taysha ran my break, and when i got back, she didn't want to go back to register, so she told me to hide. i wandered around, as far away from dana as possible. then dana went on register, so taysha and i just ran self-check together, and teased each other, and tried to juggle jellybeans (they're too little. i stunk, but i still impressed her). we had fun, and it lasted about 20 minutes, and then dana noticed and made her leave me alone. when she left for the night, she said bye to me, and she called me by my name, not dumb-dumb. i was shocked, and she realized her mistake the second she left, so she stepped back inside and said, 'i meant 'bye, dumb-dumb.''

i'm gay. if you didn't know it when you started reading this journal entry, you would have realized it well before now. if you didn't know it, and started reading last night's journal entry, you would realize it by the end. same with the day before that... and probably for most every day i've ever written in here. i was reading some stuff from the lesbian community, and they were talking about gay movies, and how there are hardly any good ones, because they all completely revolve around the character being gay. somebody commented that they like gay characters better when they're made by straight directors, because the straight directors don't want to pretend to know what it's like to be gay, so they just make them a real person, with real interests, who just happens to be gay. when gay directors make gay movies, the gayness is the main issue. if i were a movie, i would be a bad movie. gayness is my main issue. i would rather be a good movie... i wonder if it's just because i'm not out yet, or if i'm destined to be a bad movie for the rest of my life...

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