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stupidfool
i didn't skip any classes today. i only had two though, so i guess that's not such an accomplishment.

i go to big bear and stop up to get my paycheck becuase i'm early. christine gets it for me and asks how classes are. hmmm... so i've skipped 8 classes total this week... i tell her 'this isn't really a good week for me and classes.' she says i need to start going or i'll wind up working at big bear for the rest of my life. is that such a bad thing? i tell her 'i'm going to quit.' i'm not really, but i'd sure like to. she says i can't. some customer who happens to be up there also tells me i can't quit school. i say 'but classes are so boring and dumb.' christine agrees with me, but says i need to go anyway. and once again, i forgot to ask her why it's ok for her to quit school, but not me.

then i clock in and there's no envelope for my coupons. so when i get a break in my line, i go up there and try to ask for one, but damn, it's christine again. so what's that word? i say 'can i have the tan place to put my coupons?' rex is up there too, and him and christine just laugh. and christine says 'i love you loser, i really do.' and she gets me an envelope.
she often says how she doesn't say things she doesn't mean. like when she was offering me a ride home, she kept telling me that she doesn't lie, and if she didn't want to take me home, she wouldn't say that she did. or when i was all depressed that long time ago, her and jane were worried about me and watching me, and christine just said randomly 'we love you, loser.' and i just kinda looked at her, and she says 'i mean it. i don't say things i don't mean.' i suppose this was to make me feel better, which it sort of did, only it also made me feel worse, so it averaged out to not much. anyway, so i remember all that as i walk back to my register with my 'tan place to put my coupons.' either she's a huge liar all the time, or she really thinks she loves me, in some sense of the word. how many meanings does that word have, anyway? i never say 'i love you.' never. even when i'm talking to my parents on the phone, i won't say it. they'll say 'bye, we love you.' and i just say 'bye.' love is a word that scares me. so what does christine mean by it? she probably doesn't love me like you love your family. and it's not the romantic kind because that's the kind you don't just say until you're sure. well, that and becuase she's straight. so she loves me like you love a friend? i'm not her friend. i wish i was her friend. but it's probably best that i'm not, as i saw with alana. so what the hell does she mean when she says that? the kind of love like you have for a pet? i think that's more like it. like you love your dog becuase he's so cute and little... i am christine's pet? i am confused.

then jane tells me to close off and come upstairs becuase we have to talk about checks or something. so i close off and completely forget why i closed off. so i stand there like an idiot, looking around, trying to remember what i'm supposed to be doing. marie asks why i look confused and i tell her i forget. she asks if i'm supposed to go upstairs for jane's little talk. oh yeah... god, i'm stupid. so i go up there and open the door to the office section, and jane is sitting at the table, across from jim. ahhhhhh panic!!!!!! 'i'm supposed to come upstairs and talk about what?' i ask. she says checks. we've been having serious check problems so she is giving this speech to every cashier and they have to read and sign a paper saying they understand the check policy and will follow it. uhh... so why is jim there? she sees me looking at him, and says that since he occasionally runs register, he needs to do it too, and she figured we may as well do it at the same time. she has to have done that on purpose. i wonder if she's talked to christine about it. wouldn't christine have told her that i don't like jim? maybe it's just a coincidence... so she starts giving a check speech, only jim keeps trying to get her off the subject, and then when she's off the subject, he'll bring me into the conversation. it's fun, actually. i am still on the clock, and i am just having fun talking. and i'm not real concerned that he's going to try to make a date with me when jane's right here. so we finally get done, and she's getting the papers for us to sign, and she asks jim if he'd mind proofreading this letter for her. he says sure. so i sign the paper and right as i'm finishing up, they page me to come downstairs. so i leave, and they're still up there, just jane and jim. they talk all the time. i can't help but wonder if they're going to talk about me... and what are they saying about me? maybe christine already told jane that i don't like jim and jane's telling jim that now. wouldn't that be nice?

it turns out they only called me becuase it's time for my break. so i go up to the break room, and tommy comes up too. he asks me how old i am. i tell him 19, and ask why. he says 'oh, me and jim were just talking about it the other day.' i ask how old jim thought i was. he said jim was guessing 21 or 22, and then he leaves. but about a minute later, he comes back, with zeke this time.
zeke asks 'did jim talk to you yet?'
i tell him that i just talked to jim and jane, is that what he means?
he says 'oh... no... not really...'
uh-oh. i ask 'why, was jim supposed to talk to me?'
'never mind,' he answers.
i ask a few more questions, but all he'll say is never mind. then him and tommy start flicking coins at each other, and they wind up chasing each other out of the room. it's only been about 6 minutes of a break, but after that conversation, i'm scared that jim is going to come in and 'talk' to me, so as soon as they leave, i get up and leave too. i clock back in and i'm still waiting for my drawer when jim comes downstairs from proofreading jane's letter. whew! i just made it. if i had been up there 10 seconds longer, he would have passed me in the break room on his way back down.

they have too many cashiers, so they just put me on 2nd express for lack of a better place to put me. but i do about nothing. christine walks by and i'm kinda spaced out, just staring at nothing. she pretends to toss her keys at me (but catches them) and tells me to wake up, i don't go to classes so i should be awake. i just laugh. but it makes me happy that she talks to me when she just happens to be passing me. then her and jane both go on break at the same time. i wonder if they're talking about me and/or jim.

jim comes through my line to buy food for his break and he's talking to me, and i'm a little worried but before he can even get a real conversation going, a customer comes up behind him. nice...

then a while later i fuck something up and need a key. since it's late, i just go up to get one becuase that's quicker than calling for one. only again, it's christine, so i again forget the word. i tell her 'can i have a...' and make the motion of turning a key. she says key for me, but she's not amused. she probably thinks i am faking it or something, since i seem to forget this word all the time. the problem isn't really that i have any more trouble with 'key' than any other word, but that i have to ask her for a key more than i have to ask her for anything else. but i guess she doesn't realize that. i just feel dumb. i want to crawl in a hole...

and besides tossing the keys back to her (an awful throw) and giving her my drawer at the end of the night, that's my last interaction with christine. so i end on a sour note, and am worried that she is still sitting around thinking about what a dumbass i am. on a positive note though, i don't see jim any more either. when it's time for me to leave, i make sure to do it so that he won't see, since i know that he's in the frozen section today.

i don't work again til saturday; christine and jim will both be there. i have a quiz in my first class tomorrow, so hopefully once i'll go to that, and then since i'm up, i'll just go to the rest, and keep my total for the week at 8.

oh, and did i mention that molly got a job? not as a cashier, but as night crew. they told her they were hiring for cashier and night shift, and she decided that night shift would work best with her schedule. so she'll be working with tyrone. i don't know how the hell she expects to make it to classes. oh well, i guess we'll see how it goes.

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