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stupidfool
i'm dead. why am ialways so tired? i slept 7 hours, woke up and went to the store with lauren. they didn't have my shoes in the right color so i got nothing. she got a pair of earrings. we had taco bell and came home. i had 2 hours to study before work. i didn't. i wouldn't let myself play my new video game because i had to study. i couldn't e-mail my parents because i had to study. i couldn't work on my lego shoe because i had to study. i wouldn't let myself do anything but study, so i wound up doing absolutely nothing for 2 hours, because for some reason, i just couldn't study. i have a fucking midterm tomorrow. this is my hardest class. it's going to be a tough midterm. it's 1 in the morning and i still haven't studied... and i'm not going to, either, because i am empty today.

i went to work. grant quit. today was his last day, so when his shift ended, dylan chased him outside with a bucket of water and marie and murphy went to watch. dylan dumped the water all over him and he chased him around for a while, and then, since he was soaked, he gave big hugs to marie and murphy for not warning him (point being to make them wet too). marie came inside and asked me, 'can you tell that my shirt is wet?'
i said yeah. she just stood there, like she was waiting for me to ask why her shirt was wet, so i did.
she told me the entire story about murphy and dylan and grant. i had witnessed half of it, and murphy had told me the rest. i just stared at her. when she finished the whole story, she paused and i kept staring, and then she concluded, 'so grant got me wet.'
i wonder if the entire point of the story was just to get to use that phrase.

i was tired. it started kicking in a few hours into my shift, and it just kept getting worse. jane joked that i should party less.

marie ran my last break on self-check. when it was time, she came up behind me and placed her hands gently on each of my arms and pulled me back away from the desk. then she smiled and told me not to fall asleep. i wanted to fall asleep on her. she looked like a mighty good pillow. i wanted to put my head on her shoulder. i clocked out for break.
when i came back, she held out her hand for me to give her five. i did, and left my hand against hers, and she laced her fingers through mine, and we both kept walking forward, and somehow i wound up with my arm almost around her before she let go of my hand. i wanted her to be my pillow.

i kept working, just tired, and then about an hour before i was supposed to leave, i noticed marie, art, and the policeman standing up at the service desk, talking. (not the policeman she flirts with. the other one, the one that everybody talks to) i felt empty. i wandered by with a basket, and i heard her say something like 'said they would accept it.' and i come by again on my way back and i hear '...love me anyway, but when i got myself a girlfriend...' and i don't know what she's talking about, really. i don't know if it means she has a girlfriend or not, and that's not really the issue. what matters is that this is a real conversation. i hear a real conversation and i'm not in it. i feel hollow and i want to cry. i don't know what my problem is. maybe it's just that emotions tend to hit me twice as hard when i'm exhausted, which i am, but it kills me. i want christine to come back. i want her to appear and make it all better. or i want marie to come over here and give me a hug. that's what i want... or even rashid. or helen. or art. why do i get like this?

marie doesn't talk to me the rest of the night and i'm tired and alone.

molly works late too, and she gives me a ride home. now i'm here and molly's right next door and alana's still up and i still feel alone. and i don't feel like studying. i'm going to bed. in the morning, i'll feel better and i'll want to study, i'm sure...

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