Well this sucks

Did LiveJournal change for everybody on every platform?? I can’t figure out how to place a picture where I want it in my text!! It makes me put it as a separate “page” so it either goes before or after...

(no subject)

I think several years ago I heard Heart's "all I want to do is make love to you" for the first time since childhood and was shocked to realize it was not actually a love song, but a song about a woman cheating on the one she loves with a stranger she picked up on the side of the road.

I just heard it again (clearly, I don't frequently re-listen to songs from the 80s)... And is it actually a song about a woman cheating on the one she loves with a stranger she picked up on the side of the road for the sole purpose of getting pregnant by him, because her lover can't get her pregnant?!?
Or am I crazy? Because for like 20 years I thought the "steel horse iRide" Bon jovi sings about was a roller coaster somewhere...
(Yeah. And this was before the days of ipads, iPods, and iPhones. I was the first one to do that with an i!!! Apple owes me... :-P )

(no subject)

I want to post about camping and the weekend and the good things and the bad things and the facts but I can't think. I can't do anything. I'm so tired and I don't sleep and all I want is her, to curl up in her arms and have her stroke my hair and promise it will be ok, but what's even not ok in the first place?? Only that I want that from her?! I need a new battle to fight. I don't understand what is in a normal person's head all day? What do you think about when you're driving? What do you think about when you're showering? When you're waking up or falling asleep? When you're doing mindless tasks like cooking dinner? When you can't focus on work at work? All I can think about all the time is her. They tell me I need to focus on me because I can't control other people and instead I need I need to focus on things I can control, my own thoughts and my own emotional responses, take a deep breath and move off of her and onto me, but that's not specific. What about me? What is there to think about that could possibly take over my head the way she does?

(no subject)

Oh and also: hedwig totally cleaned up at the Tonys last night!! And that's one of the shows I'm seeing in NYC so I'm super stoked and so glad I picked that show!!!

the internet ate my life

i think i've spent like 10 hours on the internet today and somehow it is after 5 a.m. right now. but i found two really fascinating stories and my desire for more information has been insatiable!

did you ever hear about the 19-year-old girl who posed as multiple boys in order to date a 15 and 16-year-old girl? as a girl, she was friends with both of the younger girls... and then as one boy, she dated the one girl, and as another boy, she dated the second girl, all at the same time! so she was like three people at once! this went on for months, and then when they found out, she eventually went to jail for fraud and assault!
it seems as though at least one of the younger girls (and possibly both) consented to the sex with the boy, when they thought it was a boy. it was only after they realized the boy was actually a girl that they were upset about having had sex with her. i guess the assault conviction was because of the age difference too, but it kind of disturbs me because what is the limit for consensual sex over there? if this was actually a 19-year-old boy having consensual sex with a 16-year-old girl, would the boy have received such a harsh prison sentence?
i don't believe the 19-year-old was FTM (i actually found a surprising lack of detail on the 19-year-old--only a report that she was later diagnosed with ADD and some level of autism), but what if she was? or what if she'd been intersexed? or what if the girls were legal and the 19-year-old had been 22, but had said she was 19? is all of this 'fraud' and punishable by law??
i read like a million articles on this today, but here's one with a basic summary, if you're interested...

also today, i found out that in 1972, there was a plane crash in the andes and the survivors were stranded on the mountain for months, eventually keeping alive only by eating the flesh of the dead! did you know this?? this sounded horrifying at first, but the more i read about it, the more brave and courageous these people seemed, and the more inspirational their tale became...
wikipedia tells the story well here, but when i am allowed to walk again, i think i'd like to go to the library and get the book written by one of the two survivors who spent days hiking out of the mountains and finding a rescuer for the group.

and now i need to go to bed for real...
my hand

(no subject)

do you remember the song like all i wanna do is make love to you from back in the day? i was just a kid when i heard this song, but i thought it was sweet and romantic...

i just listened to it again, for the first time since maybe the early 90s... and it's totally about a one-night stand!!! catchy, nonetheless, but much less romantic than i'd thought for the past 20 years!!

(no subject)

i'm having a rough time. it's been just over a week since my surgery now. my dad had been here taking care of me, but he left 6 hours ago or so. since then, i've been watching tv and feeling like a huge loser. i'm not sure who's to blame...

when i was working 6+ days a week at two different jobs, i was socializing on the job, with people who i really thought were my friends. when i was at work, we would make plans to hang out outside of work, and then we'd do that evenings or weekends or whatever. and then i also had a whole other group of friends that i was seeing regularly.

since surgery, i've seen nobody but my dad and my physical therapist. some friends are texting to check on me, but some people who i really thought were my friends haven't called, texted, or even liked a facebook status of mine. one 'friend' even texted me three days after my surgery to see if i could cover her shift! (when i pointed out that i'd had surgery 3 days ago (which i KNOW she knew was happening) she did say, 'oh yeah' and then ask how i felt.)

the guy who is trying to do my job in my absence has called me nearly every weekday. i know he's calling because of work issues that he can't handle without my help, but then he updates me on the latest gossip and asks how i'm doing. i never even really considered him a friend before this, but i'm now starting to feel like he could be one of the best friends i have.

i begin to feel like people are only nice to me when i shove myself in their faces, and remind them that i exist. i thought i had build friendships that stretched beyond work or shared activities, but the past week is making me question that. and beyond that, it's just making me feel like crap. i ache. i can't walk and i can't drive so i am stuck sitting around the house, wishing i had friends to entertain me or places to go.

i know it's only been a week, but i'm already torn about how to handle things when i'm not crippled and my life resumes. the people who fell off the face of the earth when i wasn't there reminding them of my existence and forcing them to react to me, what do i do with them? do i try to pick up our relationships where we left off, or do i take this as a sign of where i really stand and move on?

i don't know--am i overreacting because life sucks when you're freshly cut open, alone, and in pain? is a random text here or there acceptable from a good friend? would a casual friend think it could be better to leave you alone entirely and let you recover in peace? would these people have been trying to come see me or check on me if they knew my dad wasn't around? (if that's the case, should i expect an outpouring of support now that he's gone? i haven't had that, although i have had really good support from a few friends, which is definitely better than none.) should i be texting them, asking what they're up to and trying to organize activities? without me doing that, maybe they think i'm not well enough to get out or socialize... but given the fact that i can't drive myself anywhere, it seems pretty shady to try to get a group of people to do something with me, and then turn around and beg one of them to come pick me up before and drop me off after. i feel like since people know i'm housebound and at the mercy of friends, they should be offering to come get me to do stuff and if they're not, it means they don't really like me that much after all. i guess i need to just accept that not everybody is going to like me as much as i like them.

in this mindset, i decided to go ahead and make an lj friends cut. sometimes i feel like my lj life is the same way--i reach out to people, and they barely notice i exist, or i'm just a nuisance. so for pretty much the first time ever, i did an lj cut and completely left my feelings out of it. if you said you wanted to stay, either in the poll or in a later comment, you stayed. if you said nothing, you're gone. i made two exceptions for people who have been my lj friends for 5-10 years, have not updated in months, but have been known to come back to lj after long absences. this leaves me with 15 friends: 8 voted in the poll, 3 commented on a later entry, 2 are the above-mentioned exceptions, one is cowboy and indian photos, and one is myself.
it was quite painful to remove some of those people from my list. i guess i'm just trying to do for lj what i've inadvertently done for my life: weed out the people who don't really want to be there. doesn't that sound like it would be a good thing? it feels a lot less pleasant than it sounds, trust me.

on second thought, i just went back and edited out a few specifics. i'm going to go ahead and make this entry public. if anybody returns to lj after an extended absence or just missed the poll and the subsequent entries, and wants to still be friends, please comment and i'll be more than happy to add you back. i don't want anybody to feel slighted by this; i'm just trying to make sure that i'm not devoting time and energy into caring about people who don't want to have to care about me.

(no subject)

So I'm from Columbus, Ohio. It's not exactly a small town... But we don't have toll roads. If you want to go somewhere, you just get on the highway and go, no cash required.
I know that toll roads exist... I have plenty of memories of stopping at toll booths when riding with my parents on vacations. You pay the bored attendant, the light turns green, and you move on through, right?

So when I got the rental car at the Orlando airport, they asked me if I wanted to pay my tolls now, through them. I was really confused by this thought! Would I need to know now how many toll booths I would pass through for my entire vacation?? That sounded difficult. I figured I'd better just stick with what I knew, and pay tolls as I went, with cash, like my parents always had. I'd brought with me a few $20s, plus all of the $1s I'd made a few Sundays ago when I got to wait on the counter patrons at work. I should have more than enough cash to handle whatever toll booths I encountered. So I told them no thank you, and went on my way.

On the way to the hotel from the airport, I passed through two or three toll plazas. I paid the attendants, got change, and went on my merry way. I avoided toll roads for the rest of the trip, until today...

I left the hotel and headed to the airport. I didn't realize it until I was pulling onto the highway, but my phone directed me to get there by spending a short period of time on a toll road. I didn't think this was a problem... Until I realized that this toll road was different! You didn't pass through huge toll plazas along the road itself; instead, you paid a toll at a tiny toll booth when you got off at your exit. The signs for exits before mine said "75 cents, exact change only" or "50 cents, exact change only", and I started to worry. I had a quarter in my pocket, plus some loose change (a nickel and a few pennies), but not enough to come up with 50 or 75 cents exactly... Luckily, when I got to my exit, my sign said "$1.00, exact change only". Perfect! I had a dollar bill!

There were only two lanes. One lane was for ez pass users. The other lane had a booth and was for people paying cash. So I pulled into that lane, my dollar out and ready... But there was no person in the booth! It was dark--blacked out, even. I couldn't see in at all. A little farther up, there was this round metal cage that went into the wall. Now that I saw it, I had vague memories of my parents throwing coins into one of these... But surely coins weren't the only way! Floridians can't possibly be expected to drive everywhere with pockets full of change, right?? So I threw my dollar bill in there.
Nothing happened. The dollar just sat in the metal cage. I knew it needed to go into the hole that went into the wall for the light to turn green, so I rolled my window down and leaned all the way out of the car to shove the bill into the hole. Still, the device did not accept the bill and the light stayed red.

Now a car pulled up behind me. I pulled the dollar bill out of the cage and inspected the wall for another option. Maybe coins went in this thing, but elsewhere along the wall, there was a dollar bill receptacle. I looked everywhere, but didn't find one. Another car pulled up behind me. I was starting to feel a little panicky, now. I tried again to get the hole to take my dollar. This time, I shoved it in there as deep as I could, but I was left with a wadded up dollar bill blocking the hole, a light that was still red, and now three cars waiting impatiently behind me. I looked around helplessly, searching for a human or a sign or something, but there was nothing-only a line of cars and that glaring red light.
I didn't know what to do! I had visions of driving away, and having cops hunt me down and arrest me... I'd lose my job... All for a dollar that I desperately want to give to this stupid cage!

I see an area to the left, in front of this toll area. I pull up and pull into it to let the other cars through. I put the car in park and I get out. I wander around to the back of the toll booth, hoping for a human or a sign to tell me what to do, a number to call for help, something... I go to all sides of the toll booth, even walk back out into the road to look at it from the front, when there are no cars coming. I find nothing. So then I cross that lane and wander around the easy pass lane, again looking for a sign. Still nothing.
Then I realize that as I've been wandering here, I've passed a lot of change on the ground. It was mostly pennies, but I know I saw at least one dime! I get all the change out of my pocket, and then I circle the whole area again, picking up every coin I can find. When cars come by, I try to just stand there and act normal, so nobody thinks I'm crazy or homeless or something. I don't think it works completely; at least two vehicles rush to roll up their windows when they see me, and one does it prior to paying the toll! (i'm in front of the toll booth. She approaches with her window down, rolls it up when she sees me, then pulls all the way up, even past the cage, as far from me as she can get, before rolling it down again, throwing her money backwards into the cage, and quickly rolling it back up.)
Once I've circled the entire area twice, I stop to count my coins. 76 cents. I make one final round, hoping to find a quarter that I've missed. I watch the cars throwing money into the cage, hoping that one quarter will miss the cage. (seriously, how do ALL of these vehicles just happen to have a dollar's worth of coins?!?) I do find another penny that i'd missed, but that's it.

I've now been at this toll booth for 10 minutes. I'm going to be late to return the rental car. I am out of ideas. I go back to the car, and I stand there, defeated. What else can I do?? Money is not going to appear, no matter how long I stand here. I guess I have to just keep going, and deal with the consequences, whatever they may be... I know that there are cameras here, so to show my good faith, I walk back into the road and put the 77 cents in the cage. The red light stares back at me. I shrug apologetically at the light and the camera, and then I get in the car and drive the rest of the way to the airport.

When I get there, I frantically explain to the guy what happened. He stares at me blankly and asks, "you paid rental car for tolls?"
Oh, if only I had known... "no!" I exclaim! "I didn't know! I had a dollar, but it wouldn't take it!"
"ok, say again?" he says.
So I start over, more slowly this time. When I finish, he is laughing at me. "ok," he laughs. "ok."
"so what happens?!?" I ask him.
"you do this how many times?" he asked.
"oh, just once!"
"it's ok," he said. "no problem. No worry. Nothing happens."
And then that's it, and he sends me off with my baggage to catch the flight. So I guess it's ok?!

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