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stupidfool
notes from the last 2 days:

yesterday molly called marie 'marie bob.' marie told her she couldn't call her that because i was the only one who was allowed to call her that. i felt special...

terrie was supposed to work, but she called off, and terrie almost never calls off. i was thrilled.

marie was being marie, doing all the things that would normally drive me crazy, but it wasn't so bad yesterday. she held my hand and rubbed it between hers to warm it up. i asked why her hands were always so warm and mine were always so cold, and she said, like she had put a lot of thought into the matter, 'you know, i think it's because you're so skinny and i'm so fat.' i started laughing and she kept rubbing my hand between hers. i got carts in the rain and she touched my leg to see if my pants were still wet, and she rubbed my hair when it had begun to dry, just to watch the curls spring up. for some reason, none of the touch was frustrating, just fine and comfortable and good. it was nice...

art talked to me a bit, and i didn't feel so seven. we had a real conversation about my hair, while marie was rubbing my head, because he thought my hair was naturally curly, and that i must straighten my hair on normal days. i told him it's only curly when it rains or it's humid and he thought that would get annoying, and we talked about that for a while. then later, we talked about going on probation. i just like sounding my age once in a while.

matt let molly and i get overtime-lots of it. we stayed over for almost 3 hours, and when i got home i didn't feel like studying, so i planned to wake up early the next day, and study before the test. i went straight to bed so i would get 5 hours of sleep. when my alarm rang, i turned it off and went back to bed until my first class. i would have skipped that class to study, but i thought we might be getting back our midterms, so i went. we didn't get them back. and i didn't study. i took a midterm and probably didn't do so well. i deserve to fail out of school. it's not really fair that i'm not.

i went to work and they called marie in because the new girl quit before she ever showed up, and prudy was supposed to work, and somebody else called off too. i was pretty tired by the end of my shift, and we were both over by self-check (even though amit was the one who was supposed to be running it). she said she'd run it and i could run her register, and if it were anybody else, i would like that plan, but with her, i just want to stay where she is. i told her to run her own register, only because i knew she would say no, and i leaned on the counter and she leaned into me to push me off the counter, over to her register, and i leaned back, pushing her out of my way, and then we both just stopped pushing. i leaned into her side and rested my head on the counter, and she leaned just enough to support me, and we just stayed there, leaning into each other. it was beyond comfortable. i loved every second of it. after a little bit, she said quietly, 'know what? you're kinda comfortable.'
damn, so was she. it would have been ok to say that too, because she could just think that i only meant whatever she had meant by it. but i'm stupid, for some reason, and instead of telling her that this is the nicest i've felt since the last time she held me, i mumble, 'i'm about to fall over,' which was only true if she was about to move, because she was doing a great job of holding me up. when i said that, she moved, i stumbled and caught myself, and it was over. today, it was frustrating. why couldn't i tell her she was comfortable? would it make a difference if i told her? i want her.

terrie was there today, which only added to my frustration. teena was in the bathroom and jane was on break, so i went up there to get a check okayed by terrie, and she told me, 'teena will be glad to do that for you.' she had no customers. teena was gone. i wasn't even going to argue with her... i waited for teena to come back, and got angry glares from my customers.

i closed down self-check and went to get a regular drawer. terrie and jane were back there. terrie ignored me, and jane was in no big hurry, even though kiera was the only casheir and the lines were out to fucking egypt and back. jane was getting my drawer, and terrie remarked, 'you know, i don't believe they let me work back here.'
jane, who had no idea that this statement was only intended to remind me that terrie hated me, asked, 'huh?'
terrie continued, 'you know, when you consider all the stuff that i don't know, i probably shouldn't work here. i'm not half as knowlegable as some people...'
jane asked, 'what are you talking about?!?!?'
i'm so fucking frustrated. i said i would avoid this, but i just want to explain that it's not what i meant. in an attempt to do so, i whine, 'no, you know everything!'
of course, she took this the wrong way... like i was making fun of her making fun of me, so she looks at me and says, surprised, 'no, you know everything, remember?'
jane is lost and asks, 'what's going on?'
terrie replies, 'oh, that's right, you weren't here the other night,'
i try again to protest, this time saying, 'that's not what i meant, then or now! i meant that you-'
teena comes over and announces, 'give her a drawer now. the lines are insane and kiera is going to kill me.'
jane hands me a drawer and teena drags me away and i am frustrated. terrie hates me and when i try to fix it, i make it worse. i can't talk right when i've got to get the words out fast, and terrie will only listen to me for two seconds at a time, so i have to. and i work tomorrow, covering somebody else's shift, in a little under 7 hours, actually. terrie will be there. my two days off are her two days off. when i work a morning shift, she works a morning shift. i have to work with her for the rest of this week... and i have off two of the 3 days marie works. i need to come up with one quick sentance that will explain the entire misunderstanding to terrie, so she'll stop thinking i think i know everything. then i need to memorize it, so i can get it out no matter what. until i find that sentance, i'm going to have to work even harder at avoiding her...

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Tip

(Anonymous)
Write her a note ;)

SFB

i could... it's just that i'm pretty anti-note. there are a lot of things that would be easier for me if i would just write a note, including coming out of the closet, because with a note, you get to say everything you want to say, nothing more, nothing less, and you can spend as much time editing as you need. you never sound seven if you don't want to, and you never accidentally say something that you didn't mean to say. but at the same time, it can be a bad thing, because if the person recieving the note thought of things differently, they could think you skipped the most important part, or they could wonder what's wrong with you, that you spent the entire note dwelling on the part that hadn't even mattered to them. if you're talking to a person, you have a much better chance of messing up, but you can also see their reaction, and immediately change the direction of your conversation based on what they need to hear.
also, if you write a note, you make it into an issue. like maybe if i tell my parents i'm gay, they'll just say, 'yeah, we figured,' and then we'll keep living and it won't be a big deal. if i write an entire note, explaining everything, they'll feel like if i took the time to write it all out, it's a big deal to me, and like they'll have to react somehow. or maybe if i said something simple to terrie, like 'i'm sorry,' she'd just say 'oh, don't worry about it. i just wanted something to tease you about because i was sick of not talking to you,' or something stupid like that, and it would be over and i would feel dumb for getting so bent out of shape. but if i wrote a note, i'd be telling her that it's a big deal to me, she'd be forced to talk to me about it like it was an issue, and we'd both be put through a lot of unneccesary trouble.
jim is pretty much the only problem i've ever solved through writing, and it's only because over the summer, i had no choice, and by the time the second jim mess rolled around, i had emailed him every day, all summer long, and writing seemed more natural than talking to him.

so yeah, a note is an option, but i think i'm going to keep it as a last resort. then again, now, i don't even know for sure that she remembers... maybe it was like a 4-day thing, and that's it...

(sorry, i don't mean to jump all over your idea... thanks for the tip :-) it would probably work well, if i wasn't so me :-/)

Re: Tip

(Anonymous)
OK then, don't write a note :P

TTYL,
SFB

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