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what is it about terrie?
i had to work at 8 this morning. i woke up at 7:35, and i usually leave 45 minutes early for the bus... luckily, molly was awake and gave me a ride. i didn't eat breakfast, but i made it there on time.

terrie was there and i didn't talk to her, but i listened. when she arrived, the first thing she did was go over to jane and start complaining about her roommate... christine... terrie was across the front end, and i had to deal with all the self-check noises, but i eavesdropped as well as i could... christine kept her up, is what i got out of it. i think maybe rice girl was there too, or somebody else was there with christine? that's just a guess, though, because i don't know how one person could make that much noise... and christine makes the whole place stink and terrie sprays air freshener everywhere, all the time. thinking about them living together bothers me a lot. i feel like i'm missing out on both ends because i don't live with christine and i don't live with terrie. if i believe terrie, i wouldn't want to live with christine, and i know i wouldn't want to live with terrie, because she would hate me even worse than she does now. but i forget that when i'm sitting there, straining to listen, and feeling jealous of them both... and i forget it now, when i think about how much i'd like to see christine again, or how i'd like to live with terrie...

she's so bitter about everything... she calls to some customer, as she's walking towards the shelf, 'sure, i'll do a price check on it,' and then she mutters, 'sergeant asshole,' so only i can hear that part. or she talks all friendly to somebody on the phone, and then puts them on hold, and starts complaining, 'stupid bitch, thinks she gets more than anybody else...' or she sees some girl in a too-tight shirt, and says, 'look at that. that's fucking disgusting. sick.'

i noticed something strange today... with the early shift, i was tired (that's not the strange part; i'm always tired). i kept leaning on self-check, and half-napping. teena told me to get up, and i would get up, but then i would wait til she wasn't looking, and rest again, in a slightly different position. i was worn out... she probably told me 3 or 4 times over the course of 3 hours to get up. and i bent down to pick up a coin, and didn't bother to stand back up again. jane told me to get up and molly came up behind me and lifted me straight up off the ground (which impressed me because i could never force 120 pounds to stand up against its will...) a few minutes later, i was back leaning on the counter again. then terrie came in, and when she finished complaining about christine, she clocked in, and came over to self-check to answer the phone, already muttering, 'stupid fucking jackass,' about some customer she had encountered on her way to the phone. i was half asleep on the counter. she snaps at me, 'get up,' and then picks up the phone and cheerfully goes through the routine. i get up. and i stay up, for the rest of the day, because i don't want terrie to yell at me again.
teena corrects me 4 times and i all but ignore her, and don't think anything of her corrections. jane corrects me and i do ignore her, until molly forces me up, but don't think anything about jane. terrie corrects me once and i obey her for the next 5 hours, and take her comment as a personal insult. i feel like this should make something make sense to me, and it almost does, but not quite.

after my last break, terrie asked if i wanted to run a regular register, and i did. she wanted to run self-check, so it made us both happy.

i was supposed to go home at 4. at 4:07, i was still on register, and they hate when you accidentally get 15 minutes overtime. so when i went over to use the fs machine at self-check and jane walked by, i asked her, 'do you know i'm supposed to be off at 4?'
terrie told me, 'you know you're supposed to be off at 4.'
i said, 'i know.'
she said, 'well then don't ask it. say it.'
i said, 'but i was asking her if she knew. i knew i knew.'
she said, 'why are you asking? you don't mean to ask. you mean to-'
jane interrupted, 'i know. josephine is here and i'll send her over to you as soon as she gets here.'
the guy was done with the fs machine and i left.
i think she thought i was trying to tell jane i needed to go home and it was past time, and i suppose i was. i think she thought that i asked 'am i supposed to be off at 4?' and she thought i should just say what i mean, instead of playing innocent. i only was half as bad as she thought i was, but i think it would still bother her...
this, too, almost makes something make sense. she doesn't think i lie, exactly. she just thinks i don't say what i mean... or something...

i came back and played soccer. we won and i had an assist and it was fun. i like to move. i missed moving and running and that nice feeling that you get when you're out of breath but not bothered by it.

then molly and me went back to the grocery store, because she forgot to check her schedule and i felt like tagging along. when we came back, molly took off her shoes and so did i. alana yelled at molly for leaving her shoes in the middle of the floor and said nothing to me. alana and molly hate each other. it makes me think of christine and terrie...

sometimes i see me in terrie, and it scares me. i watch her, always moving, standing on the phone and shifting her weight from foot to foot, just so she's not standing still, and i know that's me. i see her always working, quickly, efficiently, bagging like it's a race, and i know that's how i do it. and i know how she did in school-well. she's smart. her grades were a little better than mine are; her major was a little easier than mine, but she went to college, graduated, and now she's working 3 jobs. i look down the road and that's where i see me after graduation, working 3 jobs and not really using my education... i watch her jump the low doorway, even though everybody else just waits for somebody to unlock it, and i do that, not because she does it, but i do it all the same. or i glance over there, and she's standing on the counter in the office to see over the high wall, and that's absolutely something i would do. i'm always climbing things when it's easier than going around... i don't know how she thinks, exactly, but i hear her comment on marie and grant, or making observations about how prudy flirts, or talking about dylan only bagging for hot girls, and i know she notices things like i notice things... sometimes i get the feeling that she thinks just as much as i think, overanalyzes too much, convinces herself of things because she's so intent that that's how it is... she likes girls and i like girls... and usually, when i've heard the entire story behind the customers that make her angry, i can see where she's upset, and most of the time, i completely agree with the comments she makes about them, or at least the ones that aren't just pure insults...
but i don't want to turn out like terrie. i want to be christine or i want to be holly or i want to just be me, but i don't want to be terrie. i don't want to be so bitter... i don't want to be 30 and living with a 22-year-old girl who i hate, just because i've got noplace else to go. i don't want to hate so many people... i don't want to be so sleep-deprived... i don't want everybody to talk about me behind my back, saying how mean i am and how i think i'm the boss of everything... i don't want to be terrie.

i just wonder. sometimes i think it's odd that i spend so much time thinking about terrie, and that i always have, even before i knew she was a lesbian, and before i thought she was hot. i think it's odd that i still do think about her so much, when the majority of my hormones are focused on marie and i'm convinced that christine is the world's greatest person. what's left for terrie? i'm not thinking about fucking her (though i'm not going to deny that i spent a few months dreaming of her body). and i'm not really thinking about her being my replacement superhero (although i did think that for a while, too). i'm just thinking about what she thinks. why? why do i never sit down and try to figure out what jane thinks, or what teena thinks, or what art thinks? sometimes i think it's strange that i won't ever be able to tell my coming-out story without including terrie. it involved jim, christine, and terrie. it makes sense that jim and christine are included, since they're the ones i came out to. but isn't it a little odd that terrie was such an instrumental part of the whole thing, even though i'm not out to her and she has no idea that she even played a part in it?