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i went to class today. i was late because i overslept, but when i got there, i talked in class. i stayed after class to ask about a project, and the teacher mentioned that it was nice to hear me speak in class and i felt dumb. and she ended up asking if i could go to the library right then, and she'd show me what kind of thing she wanted for the project, so i went, and we had a nice discussion and now she feels sorry for me because i work so much, but i only told her i worked so much because she asked. everybody feels sorry for me when they find out i work so much, and i wish they wouldn't, because i'm doing it to myself.

i went to my next class, on time. we STILL didn't get our midterms back. but while i was in class, i realized something. i am fucking lazy. not lazy like i won't do stuff that's hard work, but lazy like i won't concentrate on things that i don't feel like concentrating on. it's a funny kind of lazy. i can always make myself do physical work, and i'm definitely not the kind of lazy that lounges around all day. i'm mentally lazy. like i go to this class, and to understand the things we're doing, all i have to do is pay attention. but i don't. i let my mind wander, off to marie and then christine and then terrie and then udf and then money. i don't really think the problem is that i can't concentrate, because sometimes, i can concentrate. i think it's just that i don't feel like concentrating, so i don't. when i realize that i'm being so mentally lazy, i decide that i'm going to stop being that way, and i'm going to concentrate. i do, for about 5 minutes, and then my mind wanders again. but when i tell myself to pay attention again, i can. it makes me mad at myself, but i know it's my fault, just like not studying for my midterms because i don't feel like concentrating is my fault, and just like being stuck with two jobs and 60 hours a week is my fault.

after class, i went to udf. chantaye was there and so was a brand new girl named heather. susan ordered a ton of stuff and i showed heather how to process and then we spent most of the night processing. we didn't finish and i felt bad. nobody had really expected us to finish, but i had wanted to all the same. just imagine how surprised and happy peter and susan would have been tomorrow morning, if i had gotten everything done...

third shift was late coming in. heather went home and chantaye and i stayed. ja'lysa didn't work. it was the other girl, erica, and she came in about 15 minutes late. i told chantaye she could leave, and i would stay and wait for the other guy. he came a half hour late, and then i went back and cleaned up the mess heather and i had left, and then i wrote peter a note, explaining what was done and what wasn't. erica said i was a good worker, for not leaving a mess. i think that's not particularly good. any decent worker would clean up the mess they left. i think she's just comparing me to people who are bad or lazy.

i went home. tomorrow i work there again, early, and i need to sleep. i work at the grocery store, and marie is going to be there, and i like marie and i've missed marie. ...or have i just missed her body?


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