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how can the world not know?
how could my parents not know i'm gay? that's my question of the morning, and right now, i'm thinking that they couldn't not know. just look at all the people who do or did know, without me telling them...
first, there's christine. i suppose you could say that i dropped more hints around her, since my goal was always for her to know, so let's not count her.
then jim. i have a feeling that he would have known even if i didn't send that e-mail that gave the funny reason that i couldn't date him. but maybe that really was the only way he knew, so we won't count him either.
terrie. i did not want her to know, at all. i did everything in my power to hide it from her, so you can't argue that i secretly wanted her to know. i thought she was straight and i thought she hated gays, and by the time i found out i was wrong, i also found out that she had known i was a lesbian for months. i guess i could explain that one off with gaydar, the it-takes-one-to-know-one kind of mentality.
dylan and those guys. i didn't want them to know. i don't even know them at all. just by looking at me, they think i'm gay, and i've got no explanation for that one.

and those are just the people who i know think i'm gay. when you stop to think about the people who probably think i'm gay, there are a bunch more with no explanation... prudy, amit, rashid, teena, maybe jane... (and then there's marie, but god knows what she thinks, and if she thinks i'm gay, she's got good reason to, since i fall all over her for a chance to touch her.)

i've spoken to dylan maybe twice in my life. i talk to amit a bit more, and it's usually my 7-year-old. when i talk to rashid, i'm usually 20. with prudy and jane, i'm mostly just quiet, because i don't know what to say. so here you've got people who know different parts of me, and a few people who don't even know me at all, and they all think i'm gay. my parents should know me better than any of these people, maybe even better than all of them combined. how could they not know?

the thing is, i've got the feeling that they don't know, and i can't find an explanation for it. i don't know what all those people see in me, that makes them think i'm gay, so i can't tell you if i don't show that part of me to my parents... but i think i'm the same person. i'm not consciously changing things about me when i go from work to school to home to my parents' home. if dylan and his friends (whose names i don't even know) can look at me and see that i'm gay, how can the world not know? how can my friends not know? how can my parents not know?