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stupidfool
i didn't sleep enough. i woke up and went to udf. i worked for 4 hours with keisha. she was wide awake and chipper, and thought it was funny that i was dragging, so she was even louder. she was crazy, like singing loudly, 'come on! dip, baby, dip,' while i scooped out ice cream. i was annoyed for a while, but then i got over it, and started laughing, and eventually woke up a little.

i have homework due and an essay due and i didn't have time today and i don't have the time tonight and i won't have the time tomorrow and i never have time and i'm stupid. and i'm tired.

i went to my grocery store for 8 hours. marie showed up and went through molly's line and said hi to her in that sing-songy voice and smiled and laughed and flirted and auuuurgh. please tell me she doesn't prefer molly to me. i am going to fucking scream. i was standing behind her the whole time, and she completely ignored me. fuck.

terrie was there, and it's the last time she'll be there for a week, which made me happy, sort of, but probably not really. let's just not worry about how i felt about it, because i have no idea. i never do. i was on a register, and she called me on the intercom, and gave me this list of things to do (at 5, close off, get the keys from me, bring your drawer to the office, get a cart, get the returns, put back the perishables, put the rest by 10, take a break, and when you get back, take over for me on self-check). i committed it to memory because i didn't want to forget anything, and i didn't want to ask her to repeat any part of it at any time. i don't want to give her a reason to be mad at me. so i did all that, and after my break, i came over to self-check. as i approached, i heard a customer ask her, 'can you write a check for over the amount of purchase?' terrie said yes. the lady asked, 'how much over?'
the answer is $20. terrie noticed me standing there, and then answered '$40.'
this is a test. we just had a huge review session on checks and everybody had to sign that they understood all the rules, and this was part of that. it's always been the rule. i know she knows, and she only gave the wrong answer becuase i'm standing there. she wants me to correct her, so she has another reason to tell me i know everything. i know this, so i don't say a word.
the lady goes back to fill out her check, and terrie exclaims (to me, not to the lady) in a very non-sincere voice, 'oh wait! was that the wrong answer? was i wrong again?'
i want to punch something. what the fuck was i supposed to do? if i said something, she'd be mean about it. but even when i don't say something, she's still mean about it.
i take a deep breath and tell her calmly, 'i didn't say that.'
she leaves. i take the lady's check and she wrote it for $30 over. i had better not get yelled at for breaking the check policy because it's not my fault. i am glad terrie is going on vacation... but yeah, i'm sad too. i'm stupid. fucking stupid.

marie and i talk to the policeman. he's a substitute. he introduces himself (tim), and i mention that i don't know any of the names of the policemen who work here. marie gives me a lesson.
the one who everybody always talks to is named scott.
the one marie loves to flirt with is named dustin.
the big nice guy who always talks to me about school is named gary.
i forget the rest. and she mentions the policelady who used to work here. i ask what happened to her. i still want to know. i forget about her for long periods of time, but every time i remember, i want to know if she quit working here because of me and jim and that sexual harrassment thing. so i ask marie and tim and neither of them know. marie says she thinks that she just liked working the arena better, but tim says he thinks she really doesn't like working here, because several times, scott has been looking for somebody to cover his shift, and he'll call her, and even if she's not doing anything else, he won't be able to talk her into it. is there any other reason for her to avoid this place? i have no way of knowing, but isn't there somebody who knows the real reason she quit? it's my fault, i know it...

i go up there for a roll of pennies, and i hold out my quarters, but marie and jane are both busy, so i wait in silence for one of them to finish. it takes them a long time. jane is in the office, but i know marie notices me, and i don't want to interrupt what she's doing, so i just wait. finally, she asks rudely, 'what do you need?'
i tell her, and she snaps, 'you can't just stand there holding out money and expecting us to read your mind. if you want something, say something.'
she slaps the roll of pennies into my hand and her touch feels good and i love her and i hate her and i want her and i don't want her to hate me and i'm frustrated and i'm tired.

later, molly is up waiting on a drawer, and i go stand next to her. both of us hang over the low doorway. marie is talking to us. usually, when i'm in the low doorway and marie's in the office, i wind up getting to touch her, or she touches me. now, though, she talks to us both, and reaches out and runs her fingers through molly's hair and doesn't even come close to me, except for however close she has to be to touch molly. why is molly so lucky? does molly even know how to enjoy that touch, or does she think nothing of it? i can't even be frustrated any more. there's too much. i just want to sit down and cry. marie prefers molly to me. terrie is a fucking jerk but no matter what she does, i like her anyway. everything is wrong and i'm tired. i need to sleep, then and now.

molly talked to me from aaron's, on aim, about the fence and the 19th and my closet, only she only hears half-truths because that's all i tell. someday i will tell her. but not today because today i'm going to bed. and maybe if i'm lucky, i'll wake up and be married. or dead.

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