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i found this paragraph the other night, when i was searching for the date that they took away the fence.

on a side note, my thoughts on marie: christine said she's bi. christine says that's obvious. christine laughs and says marie's a slut. she calls her that to her face too... it's almost a joke, but christine really doesn't approve of the way marie is... she drops her pants for anything that breaths... christine says that marie tried to get christine to make out with her numerous times, knowing full well that christine had a girlfriend. she calls marie a horny little creature, or something like that... (hmmm, i guess i lied. those were christine's thoughts on marie. now it's time for my thoughts on marie.) i don't agree with marie either, i think. i think you shouldn't be with a different person every night. i think you should emotionally connect with somebody before you get naked with them, and that simple physical attraction isn't enough to maintain a relationship. and i think that you should be shooting for a relationship, not just casual sex. at least, i think this is what i think. this is what i've been brought up to think, and i think i think it. but then sometimes, i don't think i think it... i look at marie and wonder what would happen if she knew i was gay. if christine is right (which i think she is, based on the way marie acts around straight guys and christine), she would see me as an option... and maybe i would want that. maybe i would want to feel her touching me... i only like her as a person when i'm sad, becuase that's the only time she's nice to me. i don't even feel attracted to her. she's nowhere close to christine or terrie, and she doesn't even compare to billie on hotness, and billie's hardly hot. but still, i sometimes find myself wanting her to know... i want her to flirt with me like she does with them... i want to feel her hands running lightly over my back... i want to know what it feels like to have her body pressed tightly against mine... and then i want to stop wanting that. and i again feel like an awful person (althought not half as awful as i feel thinking those things about christine). i think i spend half my waking hours arguing with myself... thinking things and then hating myself for thinking them... it's not much fun.

i wrote it on october 27th... that's about 7 months ago... 7 months ago, marie was only a side note. 7 months ago, i spoke to christine often enough that i could start half my sentences with 'christine says,' and not feel like i was talking about a ghost. 7 months ago, i wasn't attracted to marie... 7 months ago, i still thought i had an opinion... i'm not sure that i can really explain why this paragraph amazes me so much, but it does. sometimes, things change...