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i don't know. marie wants to get me drunk. like more than a little bit of want, and so do molly and aaron and jeff and about everybody i know. they all want to see me drunk. marie and molly made a plan last night (i didn't find out until today), about how some night, marie's going to come over while i'm at work, and when i get home she and molly are going to have jello shots or something i'll drink waiting for me and they're going to get me drunk. she talks about it like it's inevitable. she doesn't ask me if i care or if i want them to get me drunk, just if i'm scared. i'm feeling like it's inevitable. and i think maybe i care. i was exhausted and i was outside getting carts, and i was thinking about it. (i still am exhausted, so this probably won't make a whole lot of sense... forgive me?) i was thinking that this isn't right... marie and i are going somewhere. i know this because a year ago, i would sometimes talk to her. a few months ago, i was lucky if she touched me. a month ago, i was hoping she would wrestle me, but sometimes she wouldn't. now, we're always touching. 3 days in a row, i've gotten hugs from her. she's always rubbing my back or holding my hands or stroking my hair or something. we're going somewhere. but where? today, i watched her rub sara's back. sara is old. sara is not hot and she's not gay. marie is not flirting with sara. she is rubbing sara's back because marie is one of those people who likes to touch other people. so what does that make me to her? if she's touching me more, that could just mean i used to be just another co-worker, and now she's started to think of me as a friend, and nothing more. anyway, we're going somewhere, but i don't know where, and maybe i don't want to go anywhere. maybe i'd rather go backwards. why do i need a friend like that, who's going to get me drunk regardless of what i want? and she's still mean to people, and she's still not my type at all. we have nothing in common. she's not the kind of person i want for a friend. i deserve friends like katie and nikki, who i never see... but on my 21st birthday, they ask if i want to go to the bars and when i say no they say they figured, and they take me out to eat instead. i don't want marie to be my friend. and right now, i don't want her to be my fuck buddy either. i just want to stop caring about her, and to find somebody better, who is worthy of this obsession. but when i'm in marie's arms, it's the only place i want to be... and if it weren't for molly, i wouldn't have a problem with this plan to get me drunk. if marie told me that she was going to get me drunk sometime, even knowing that i don't like marie as a friend, and that she might only like me as a friend, i wouldn't care. i would just let her get me drunk, no questions. but it involves molly, which makes me mad at marie and makes no sense.

but maybe whatever. maybe i don't care. maybe it's not going to hurt me to get drunk once, and then i can say i've been drunk, and they can say they've seen me drunk, and why didn't i want to get drunk in the first place? is it because i'm really opposed to the idea of it, or is it just because i'm scared that i'll admit i'm gay? it started out as the former. being drunk was 'bad' and i was 'good.' drugs were 'bad' and i was 'good.' skipping school was bad and i was good. cussing was bad and i was good. questioning religion was bad and i was good. sex was bad and i was good. i was a good little girl. now i do some of that stuff and it doesn't bother me. like i skip class all the time, and sometimes i regret it, but i never feel like it's not me, or like i'm being particularly bad. good and bad are not so clear. when the line started to blur, though, being drunk stayed on the bad side becuase i realized that if i was drunk, people would probably figure out that i was gay. this was a convenient rationalization, and it let me avoid the underlying question, which was what do i really think about drinking? now, i have to figure out whether i want them to know i'm gay, and i also have to answer that question. i don't know either. i think maybe i want them to know. molly, anyway. but isn't it better to tell her when i'm sober? and marie... i don't know. maybe i want her to know, just so it's out there, so she will know that maybe this is sexual to me. i think want them to know. forget about whether i want to tell them when i'm drunk. do i have morals anymore?

sometime, i'm going to write out a gay history and make it a memory. it's going to be long and i'll probably do it a bit at a time, but lately i've been thinking a lot, about what i would say if i had to tell my story, as a gay, and i want to write it down, to get everything. i think when i come out, people will ask for bits and pieces of it, and it will help me a lot if i have everything straight in my head before i have to start telling pieces to other people.

i told marie i was scared, when she asked. she asked why i was scared and i didn't know half the answer, and the other half, i didn't want to say, so i gave the same answer i always give when i'm telling half-truths. when i'm lying, i don't drink because i don't like the taste. when i'm telling half-truths, i don't drink because i'm scared of what i would do. i like to burn things sober. i get stuck on roofs sober. i get myself and my friends stuck in elevators sober. people are stupid when they're drunk, and i'm stupid when i'm sober, so what would i be drunk? i would be scary. art said when his roommate was drunk, he peed and he missed the toilet by a whole room.

but at the end of the night, i was tired and she was hugging me and i felt good and she smelled good and she told me to go get drunk and i'd go right to sleep and i said i was scared and she asked why and i didn't want to lie. how can you lie to somebody when their arms are around you? you can't. try sometime. you can't do it, not if their arms feel good and you like being there. i told her because drunk people tell the truth.
she lets go of me and asks, 'didn't your mom ever teach me that the truth is a good thing?'
i clarify, 'i don't mean the truth as opposed to lies. i mean just truths like you didn't mean to tell, that you wouldn't otherwise have told.'
she asks 'like what?' and i think there's a half-smile on her face, like she thinks she knows the answer, or maybe i only see that because i want to see it.
she's not holding me any more and i want out of this so i mumble, 'i dunno, stuff you promised you wouldn't tell and stuff you don't mean to tell people,' and then i leave because i like to run away from things.

terrie told me to run on her drawer for an hour when i clocked in because i was really in dairy and it wasn't long enough to worry about getting my own. i was 10 minutes early and i was busy trying to figure out what marie and molly had planned. when i clocked in, i was scared to ask terrie where her drawer was, so i just went to every empty register and tried to unlock it with her password, which i know from the last time i had to run on her drawer. when i found it, i was ringing up a customer and she called me on the phone and asked, 'how did you know my numbers?'
i told her 'you told me them.'
she said she didn't.
i told her not today, it was like a month ago, when i had to be her.
she asked, 'oh, so you just have a good memory?'
i stood in silence for a long time, trying to find a way out of this. i was pretty sure it was a trap, and if i said yes, she would tell me i know everything. if i said no, she would think that i knew a trick to unlock it without her number. finally, i just told her, 'i guess.'
she said 'oh, ok. i just wondered because i know i didn't tell you today and i didn't know how you could be ringing that lady up.'
and that was it. and i didn't have to know everything today, which was very nice.

i don't like nelly's new song so much, but every time it's hot and there's any girl around, my head starts saying take off all your clothes. i hate hot weather.

jim came in to udf yesterday because he went to the grocery store first, and molly told him to go visit me. i think he was being weird, like sad, like he was before i was leaving for the summer. molly said he was fine there. i have a funny affect on jim. (effect?)

me and evan were in dairy, filling the huge cheese cooler and some customer asked, 'excuse me, where's the cheese?'
i thought it was a pretty stupid lady because it was right in front of her and you can't miss that much cheese. i turned around and it was terrie using a fake voice and i about jumped and told her, 'i thought you were a real person,' and she started laughing. it was maybe a fake laugh but it made me turn red and laugh and that turned it into a real laugh, and she told me, 'your face is red,' which made my face redder, i bet.

do you ever feel like in the trip from your head to your fingers, the words stop making sense? i think thoughts make sense in my head, but i'm pretty sure by the time they get to the screen, they're a little not right. i'm tired. i never sleep enough.

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It's 'effect'

I have no idea where/how to get into your friends-only entry thingy. Lemme know where I need to go and I'll see if I can get in under Dave's name :P


you just go to the livejournal main page, and log in as dave with the boxes in the top right corner. once you're logged in, just go to my journal and it should show up, i think with a little lock by it, so you can tell it's friends-only.

(after such an effort to get in, i'm sure it will be rather dissappointing...)

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