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stupidfool
molly is talking about getting me drunk, soon. before marie gets back. like tomorrow night. i told her i wanted to sleep that night, since i'll be going home soon. the truth is i want to sleep every night. i don't want to get drunk with molly or aaron or jeff or any of those people. i want to get drunk with marie, and that's it. but i'm leading molly on (if you want to call it that) because of that 'plan.' i figure anything that gets marie to come over to my place has to be a good thing, so i'm ready for that plan... so i tell her yeah, jello shots would be ok, i guess... and then she thinks that i want to get drunk, and she's going to leave marie out of the entire plan. i don't want that, but i've been lying all along, so how can i tell her the truth now, without telling her the whole truth? i'm fucking stupid. i wish my life didn't revolve around marie...

and my dad's upset. i talked to him tonight, and asked if he could come later to pick me up. he said he'd do whatever i wanted, but they had planned on going out to dinner as a family that night, and if i work until 6, they won't be able to do that. if it wasn't for marie, i would just tell jane i can't work. she can't make me come in. my probationary period is over. i haven't called off since october 20th, right after i came out of the closet... they can't do a thing to me if i just don't show up, as long as i warn them beforehand. they can't make me come to work. marie can, by doing nothing. this is unhealty. she's a fucking addiction and the thought of her is controlling my life.

damnit can't you see i'm addicted to you.
if you're a needle then i'd stick you deep down, way down into my vein
where you could flow through the bloodstreams of my heart.
and like a jumpstart, you'd forever fulfill me.
at the same time like a poison, you'd kill me.
the cure and the cancer one on one,
your body in the barrel of a suicide gun
where i'd pull the trigger and let you blow through
my body and my mind...