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my postive thinking for the day
in psych today, we had to fill out these surveys... i've filled them out before. in fact, this is the 3rd time i've filled them out. i always sign up for psych and then drop it... once i signed up in case i didn't get into a course i was waitlisted for (i got in) and once in case i wanted to take an extra class (i decided i didn't). each time, i've attended at least 2 days of classes. surveys are on the 2nd day. there's one about being disorganized and procrastination and stuff... that one's been the same, all 3 times. i am hopelessly disorganized, messy, and easily distracted, but none of it severly interferes with my day-to-day life. i can usually remember where i threw my stuff, even if it's a huge mess, and time and time again, i manage to do just fine, even when i'm too distracted to study. there is also a survey that i think must be some sort of depression screening or something... there's all these questions about your will to live and whether you've attempted suicide, and whether you would attempt to save your life if you were in a life-threatening situation. you fill out 5 questions, and then based on your answers to those, you either fill out 2 more (if you're normal) or a whole lot more (if you're depressed). the first two times i took that survey, i got sent to the 'depressed questions' (my own name for them; the survey didn't tell you that.) today, i was so familiar with the questions that i started circling them as i had in the past... when i realized that that's not how i feel anymore. i'm ok. it's ok. my life is ok. it's hella frustrating at times, but i don't want to not have it. i like being alive. i like my friends, i like my toys, i like my job, i like getting to touch marie... i might not have a whole lot of direction, and i might have a lot of things i need to fix, but i'd like to give it a shot... i'd rather not get run over by a truck today. or tomorrow, for that matter. i'd like to have the chance to tell my parents and my friends, to finish school so i can finally work without having to study, to find a girlfriend (or just to fuck marie), to buy more legos and make a city to play in, to get old and keep myself from turning bitter, to see my sister and brother grow up and make lives for themselves... there are a lot of good reasons to live, and i can't really think of any good reasons to die.
this might not sound like a big deal, but a year ago, i would never be saying any of this. i remember telling christine, at one of my high points, 'it's not that i want to die. it's just that i don't particularly want to live, either.' and that was a good day. that was me, on my way back up.
i still had to answer 'yes,' when they asked if you'd ever attempted suicide... but i take comfort in knowing that even my most recent attempt was, what, 2 years ago? an eternity. ancient history. i think i am finally ok with myself. knock on wood, but i don't think you'll ever find me getting that upset because of who i am. i am gay. it's not the end of the world. i am finally comfortable with that. i am me. sometimes, it's not so great, but overall, i am ok.