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stupidfool
i woke up to my alarm after 4 hours of sleep, and laid in bed for just another second. except for i fell asleep, and it wound up being quite a bit more than a second. i woke up an hour later (late for class) because my nose was bleeding. by the time my nose stopped bleeding, there was no way i would make it to my first class, and that was the one i had homework due in. i figured if i wasn't going to that one, there wasn't much point in going to the other one... so i went back to bed.

then i went to udf. erica got fired, so susan wants me to come in tomorrow morning. i'm going to. susan also still wants me to go full time there, and cut back at the grocery store. i make more money at udf... udf is closer... udf will promote me... but marie doesn't work at udf. i think that's not my only problem. i think i like the work better at my grocery store... or maybe it's just the people. i don't know. i don't know what to do. i told her i'd think about it, but i don't know what to think...

molly got back from work about the same time i did. she worked with marie. we were talking about work (we always talk about work. we're weird like that), and she said that marie and rashid both asked her if i was working that night, and marie told her to tell me to bring her a milkshake. then she (molly) said how she spent a lot of the time just talking to marie. and she was saying how marie likes to poke her in the side. i wonder if marie touches her. i wonder if marie tells her she loves her. i wonder if i am completely insignificant to marie...
molly also told a story about gay guys, and i tried to get something out of it, but couldn't... she was up in the low doorway, and marie was helping these 'blatantly gay guys.' marie sneezed, and molly said, 'i would say bless you, but i don't believe in blessing people,' and then she left to help people on self-check. when she went back up (the gay guys were gone), marie told her that the gay guys had been discussing her, and asking, 'what's wrong with that girl, that she doesn't like to bless people?' molly said she thought it was especially bad that gay guys would have a problem with her not believing in god. she said that they should be used to people saying, 'what's wrong with that guy, that he doesn't like girls?' and since they don't like it, they'd be less likely to do that to somebody else. i told her it doesn't really work that way, because if that were true, then black people (being a minority) would be more tolerant of gay people, and as far as i can tell, they're worse, especially with gay people of their own race.
i can't tell what molly thinks of gays... no matter how hard i try, i just can't tell...
marie said it was cool that molly didn't believe in god. cool?

i was thinking at udf (while i was processing the order and chantaye was sitting up front reading a magazine), and i think part of the reason i like marie is because she listens to me... there are a million examples... i tell her, two weeks before my birthday, that it's coming up, and she remembers it, all the way up until it happens. i tell her i have a car, and she remembers the make and model and everything. she complains about her shifts here, and i tell her about the night (in a few days) that i have to work here until 7 a.m. and go to classes in the morning, and she remembers and tells jane about it. i ask her once for christine's phone number, and the next time she sees me, days later, she asks if i ever got a hold of christine. one day, i tell her i don't like tomatoes, and she saves me the part without tomatoes the next day. over and over again, she proves that when i talk, she pays attention. that makes me think she cares... and it's a lot easier to care about people when you think they care about you.
but probably, she's just a good listener. probably, she's like that with everybody. probably, she tosses 'i love you' around like it's the same as saying 'hi' or 'bye.' probably, she just likes to touch people, and i'm no exception.
the problem with all this is that i think there are 3 things that make me like her: (1) she's bi, (2) she touches me, and (3) i feel like she cares about me. i theorize that i would probably like any girl who had all 3 of those things (or they could be a lesbian, instead of bi), no matter what they looked like, or what they were like... it's unfortunate that marie happens to fit the criteria, because i don't want to want her... especially if she doesn't want me, and won't want me ever... i hate this. i hate how my life revolves around her.