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stupidfool
last night, last night was just ok, and a little frustrating. but today, last night was good. looking back on it, it's one of those memories that will probably stick around for a while, and provide me with a warm fuzzy feeling. now that her body's not right here, i can think of everything else that went on... how we joked around about how my till had this 12 cent foodstamp purchase (i messed up). every time anything was off, marie would joke, 'check the foodstamps,' and kelly would say, 'don't know whose fault that is...' i would give them my innocent look... and then when the office till was off, i'd say, 'hey, it's probably my fault. check the foodstamps.' it was just kind of fun... and every once in a while, marie would come over and touch me or hug me... i'm her favorite, out of me and kelly. i was special. kelly is probably not as bad as i thought she was. marie is ok. i enjoyed sitting in that office... (this is probably what happens to you when you work 60 hours a week and have no time for a social life. getting to talk to people while working off the clock starts to give you that warm fuzzy feeling...)
the other thing about it was that i found this binder full of phone numbers. i was in it, marie was in it, jim was still in it (it was old), but christine wasn't. on the front of the binder, somebody had written 'top secret phone numbers. don't let anybody touch this, not even michelle.' and somebody else had written, 'yeah, especially not michelle.' i laughed at it, and marie told me, 'christine wrote that.'
i miss christine. i can think about her, and not miss her that bad, but when somebody says something about her, or i talk to somebody about her, it's worse. i miss her. i miss christine, still, from that little conversation about her writing on the cover of the phone list. it's still strong, but maybe it's not quite as painful. i think if i keep progressing like this, there will eventually come a time when i can say, 'at least i have my memories,' and mean it.

anyway, i went to class (late) today. i came back and did a little homework and went to udf. i was scheduled til 11, and ja'lysa was supposed to come in, but she didn't. she finally showed up around 12... and i'm fucking bitter. why should i have to stay an hour extra? i need to sleep, i need to study, i need my free time. an hour might not seem like a lot, but to me, it is. and it's not just this time, it's every time. 3rd shift consistantly shows up 30 minutes late, or 45 minutes late, or even not at all. chantaye had to work a 3 p.m.-7 a.m. once, because erica didn't show up. this is normal. nothing will happen to ja'lysa. maybe susan will print out the sheet that shows when she clocked in, and circle the time, and write 'be on time,' and maybe she'll even threaten to write her up next time, but it's an empty threat. nothing will happen. next time, just like this time, and just like last time, she will expect me (or whoever else) to stay and cover for the person who doesn't feel like coming on time, and absolutely nothing will happen to that person. i don't get paid overtime to cover her shift. i don't even get a thanks. it's expected of me. and i think that fucking sucks. i feel like they're taking advantage of me. fuck working 40 hours a week there; i don't want to work any. tomorrow, i'm going to go talk to her, and see if i can cut back from 20 to 12. no more monday nights. i'll do friday nights and saturday mornings. if she doesn't like that, i'll turn in my 2 weeks notice. i don't need this bullshit and i don't need that job.

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sorry that you are a bit bitter.. we all get that way.. i would be bitter too.. take a deep breath.. hopefully tomorrow will be better.
smiles
Shelley

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