Log in

No account? Create an account
Previous Entry Share Next Entry
what i thought today
i didn't get enough sleep last night, so i spent a large part of my day thinking rather incoherently.

first, i miss christine. this is not a big revelation, since i've been thinking this ever since sometime last june (has it really been over a year?). i'm glad it was her. ask me to re-live october 19th, and christine is the only one i'd want outside with me, talking me through it. marie is fine (in more ways than one), jim is nice, and maybe someday i'll tell molly... but christine is perfect. and i miss her... i want to re-read the cover of the phone list, knowing that she wrote it... old obsessions die hard...

i was thinking about marie. see, i feel like she's always the one making the first 'move' (even though by normal standards, our relationship is probably not going anywhere). not only that, but i feel like she's the only one making any moves, and i'm just going wherever she pushes me. she hugs me and she touches me and she talks to me and she takes breaks with me, and i just let her do whatever she does. i go along with it, because i'm a bit wishy-washy, and i'll go along with most anything.
but when i think about it, i must be doing something. i've known her for almost 2 years now, and we didn't start going somewhere until 6 months ago. for a year and a half, we stood still, because i didn't care about her. i cared about christine, and then for a while, i cared about terrie, and marie was always just there... but she was always flirting, friendly, and smiling at me... it was obvious enough that a year and a half ago, bcgrl_17 (who isn't around much anymore) concluded that marie was probably bi. marie 'acted bi' towards me for a year, and we were nothing more than co-workers, and then all of a sudden, when i decided that i wanted her, we started becoming friends (or whatever you want to call us). coincidence? maybe... but more likely, something about me, or my reactions to her, changed, and she saw it, and knew that it was ok to keep going.
my worry, then, is that if marie can see the change, who else can see it? i always thought i was just going with the flow, and not showing any interest, so i didn't have to worry about people thinking i want her... but maybe i ought to start worrying...

then i was thinking about marie telling molly that not believing in god was 'cool.' i wasn't there when the conversation took place, so i don't really know how marie said it, but the more i think about it, the more it bothers me. maybe marie didn't say it like she thought being an atheist was trendy, and a neat thing to be (so i'll leave marie out of this), but molly definitely said it that way when she relayed the conversation to me. molly thinks being an atheist is cool. when i met her, freshman year, she was a christian. she wore a w.w.j.d. bracelet and went to church and everything. she met me in one of our classes, and she made an effort to befriend me, and kept iniviting me over to work on homework. finally, even though i was sure i could do it on my own, i said yes. i found out that she could do it just fine on her own too. she was just looking for a friend. so i introduced her to lauren and alana, and it was alana and me who started her on the whole atheism kick. neither of us advertised it, like we thought we were cool, or we thought we were better than her. it was just that one day, she brought it up, and being her friends, we just told her truthfully that we didn't think there was a god. she was appalled at first, but in the end, instead of disowning us for going against everything she believed, she joined us, just like that. but before long, she had surpassed us, turning it into something bigger than just what she believed... she was wearing shirts making fun of religion, and claiming to love satan, and proclaiming, 'god is dead,' whenever somebody said something about god. she microwaved all her christian cds and listened to nin and bands like that.
she shows it off, like it's cool to be an atheist. the conversation she had with marie just illustrates it. is there ever really a need to say, 'i would say bless you, but i don't believe in blessing people'? if you don't believe in blessing people, then keep your mouth shut. nobody asked you to say 'bless you,' and nobody's going to complain if you don't say it. making a statement like that is just drawing attention to yourself, making a statement: 'i think i'm cool because i don't believe in god.'
and i guess it's ok to think that your beliefs are cool. if you weren't proud of your beliefs, it wouldn't be a good thing. but there's a difference between not being ashamed of your beliefs and showing them off just because you think it's cool. show them off enough, and i'm inclined to think that you don't even know what you believe; you only claim to believe it because you like the reaction you get. and trust me, you get reactions. even when you're not showing it off, you don't want to hide it. back when i was sure i was an atheist, i told a few people when it came up... the common reactions were disgust (you awful person) and awe (wow, that's so cool. you're such a rebel.). molly likes the awe. molly says things for shock value. molly claims to be tough, says simon and garfunkel's 'i am a rock' is her anthem (i have no need for friendship. friendship causes pain. it's laughter and it's loving i disdain. i am a rock. i am an island.). i know it's not true. i remember just a few years ago, when she worked so hard just to make me into her friend. but back then, the image she wanted to create for herself was that of a good christian girl, and making friends was ok. now, she wants to be the tough, unemotional atheist. the only problem is that molly hasn't changed. she's still the same as she was the day i met her... she just shows off different parts now.
i think i got sidetracked. anyway, my point is that being an atheist is not cool. being christian is not cool. religion (or lack thereof) is not about being cool. it's about what you believe, and if you think you're right, then it doesn't matter what the rest of the world thinks of your beliefs. and it bothers me when people behave as if they believe otherwise.