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what i did today (and some more thoughts, because i think too much)
stupidfool
i woke up late for class, so since i was already late, i stopped in at udf to talk to susan. i asked if i could have mondays off, and she was surprised at first (i thought you were going to go full-time here, and cut back there!), but i gave her the office excuse, and then told her i had lots of homework due tuesdays, and i couldn't be hanging out here until 3rd shift feels like showing up. she asked who was late, and i felt like a bit of a tattle-tale saying ja'lysa, but i couldn't not answer, so i told her. she said that was fine; i could have mondays off. this means that i get a day off! i haven't had a day off work in weeks... i'm always at one of the two jobs... but now, i get one day off every week! i'm excited...

i went to a couple classes. i got to my second class 10 minutes early, and was sitting outside doing my homework from the first class, and some girl from the class asked what answer i got on one of the questions from the take-home quiz... i hadn't remembered to do the take-home quiz. i did it in 10 minutes, and it's definitely not my best work. watch me fail.

i went to work, and marie greeted me with a hug...

i'm scheduled past the busses tonight. molly volunteered to take me home on her break, but i'll have to wait an hour or so after my shift ends. marie volunteered to take me home, and she's off at the same time as me. actually, she asks, 'do you need a ride home?'
the answer is no, i don't need one. i would like one, especially if it's coming from her. i have issues with saying what i mean and giving straight answers... i mumble, 'i dunno,' and sneak away.
later, she asks if i want to go to a party next thursday. she's hosting it, and i tell her i have to work, but she tells me it will go all night. the answer is yes, i want to go. but i'm not sure if i should, because i probably won't know anybody else there, and when she's drunk, high, and surrounded by guys, she's not going to be very concerned with making sure i feel comfortable. i stick with 'i dunno,' and then i go off to chat with alyssa on self-check.
when i come back, she's back to the topic of rides, and this time, she asks me to please let her give me a ride home so she can tell tasha that she can't take her home because she already agreed to take me. i say ok.

on my break, i go into the public bathroom, and there's a lady with a leg up on the sink, and she's holding a clear plastic cup of water with a lid and a black thick straw. the lid is off of the cup. the second i step in, she jerks her leg down and hides the cup, like she was doing something wrong. i go to use a bathroom, and she jumps over and tells me, 'oh, my purse is in that one.' i use the next one, and she stands in the stall with her purse, with the door shut, absolutely still and silent, while pee and flush and wash my hands and wet back that stupid curl behind my ear. the second i leave the restroom, i hear the stall door open again. i am puzzled by her strange behaviour, so i go find molly, stocking the detergent, and tell her about the lady, and ask what she could possibly be doing. molly is just as clueless as me. she says to ask marie, because marie knows weird stuff. i ask alyssa instead, because she knows weird stuff too, and i see her first. alyssa sighs and tells me, 'it probably wasn't water, and she was probably doing a pregnancy test.'
i am dumbfounded. i ask, 'really?'
she says, 'probably.'
i don't want to argue with that, because i've got no experience in that area (and because alyssa's looking at me like i'm a two-year-old), but it still doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me... a cup of liquid and a straw=a pregnancy test? and wouldn't you need to remove some articles of clothing to make that work?
so i guess i have to do a little research to convince myself she's right, and then i can say i learned something new today... i'll write home and tell my mom. she'll think i'm straight...

a few hours into my shift, i was reading the breaklist at the counter, and marie was a few feet away, in the low doorway. she asked, 'do you love me?'
from this distance, it's easy to give her a funny look, and reply sarcastically, 'uhh, sure, whatever.'
she gives me a disgusted look. that's not the answer she was looking for.
but later, the service desk is closed, and she's with tasha in the office. i go up for some change, and she's taken off her work shirt, and is wearing just this tight little tank top. today, rashid and terrie are speaking in my head. rashid bluntly tells me, marie is sick, always trying to show off her body like she thinks she's got something worth looking at. she's just a fat bitch, and terrie, always bitter, remarks, a girl that looks like that should not be wearing that outfit. of course, my own hopelessly hormone-driven voice wins out. marie is hot. with that shirt, i can see lots of skin... i like marie's skin...
she brings my change to me, and i see her trying to put sexiness in every step. it's always been obvious when she's trying to look good, but before, i was immune... now, i'm not. she slides her arm around my shoulder and slips the change into my hand with her other hand. i put my arm around her and she pulls me closer and asks, 'do you love me?'
when she's this close, and she smells this good, and she feels this right, my answer can't be anything but yes. i let myself sink into her, and answer, 'yeah.'
she smiles and lets go. there's what she was looking for. that's all she wanted. she wants to make me love her. she wants to make me fall hard, just because she wants to have that effect on people. she's not interested in me... just interested in making me interested in her. jay is right. marie must be a fucking sadist. the only problem is that i've realized it way too late to save myself from falling for her...

marie and tasha don't finish on time. i ought to go sit in the break room and wait, that way i can do my homework, but i want to stay close to marie...
i wander by molly, and she asks why i'm not doing my homework. i mumble something about not feeling like it, and i'll get to it eventually. she tells me, 'you just want to make sure marie doesn't forget about you.'
basically, she's right. she always arrives at the right conclusions when it involves me and marie... she must know i'm gay... she must know i want marie...
but then again, people believe what they want to believe, and until you flat-out prove them wrong, all the hints in the world won't change their mind. it explains molly, and it also explains how my parents can still sit around and talk about me marrying mr. right... and how rashid can call me bad one minute, and ask me out on a date the next. the world is full of people wearing self-imposed blinders.

i find a playground ball and bring it up by the office to juggle while i wait for marie, trying to act like i'm not waiting for marie. when she comes out, she snatches the ball and runs to the break room with it, and i chase her (and catch up easily) and grab her and wrestle her for it. she wins. she tells me that we have to sneak outside, so tasha won't see that she's giving me a ride home, but wouldn't take her. obviously, she didn't use me as an excuse. she's only taking me because... who knows? you'd have to be psychic to figure out that girl's motives.

we sneak out to the car, and she makes me hide until we get out of the parking lot. on the way home, she tells me that her and art were talking about me today, and they decided that i'm their favorite cashier. they like molly too, but she can be too harsh at times. we talk for most of the ride home, but really, all i can think about is her body... lust. this is lust, and it's probably not love. why can't she ask if i'm in lust with her, instead of asking if i love her, and tripping me all up?
she's frustrated because she thinks tasha's ridiculous, since she has a car, and just likes to make people take her around, so she can save on gas. tasha was complaining how she had to call a cab, trying to make marie feel guilty, and marie thinks that just because she works with her doesn't mean it's her responsibility to take her home every time. she's upset. every other word out of her mouth is 'fuck.' i just want to hold her. i want to reach out and touch that bare skin, slide my hand across her back, over her bare shoulder... i want to rest my head on her breast and tell her it's ok... i want to rub her back, until all that tension is gone, and we can relax, in each others arms...
consumed with desire, i manage to choke out, 'ya like that word?'
it doesn't come out sarcastic, because i'm too busy supressing all the other things i'm feeling to remember to add sarcasm, but she figures it out. she laughs and says yeah.
i tell her, 'say it a few more times. it'll make you feel better.'
'fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.'
'there, see. i don't know about you, but i feel much better.'
she laughs, and agrees. we joke about how she can be my designated 'fuck-sayer,' and every time i'm upset, i can call her up and ask her to say 'fuck' to me 10 times, that way i won't have to say it.

and then i'm home (she remembered how to get here), and she drops me off and says bye and leaves. i want her. i want this relationship to go somewhere, but i don't think the place i want to go is even on her map... she might want me as a friend. if i'm lucky, she might even want me as a body, another person to fuck, and maybe eventually, we could do that. now, i look at her body and think that would be good enough for me... but in reality, if it happened... i can't do anything without getting my emotions involved. i'm 95% sure that if i ever slept with her, i would be happy only for the time i was in her bed, and from then on out, i would be longing for commitment, just as badly as i'm longing for her body right now. this is probably a no-win situation, no matter what she's thinking...
i also know that realizing this won't change a thing. i will go there tomorrow, hoping that we progress towards making out, even knowing that i won't be content if it happens. i'm stupid like that... as short-sighted as it may be, i'm taking it one step at a time... i'll cross that bridge if i get there...

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