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stupidfool
my alarm rang this morning and i turned it off to lay in bed for just a minute more, but managed to fall asleep in that one minute, and when i woke up, i had slept through 2 classes and a quiz. the quiz was in psych, and i've already slept through one psych quiz. we can drop ONE lowest quiz score. too bad i now have 2 zeros... fuck. i was pretty mad at myself for that, so i decided not to go to my other class. just another class-less friday...

then i went to work. christine had the day off. it was uneventful until my break at 5:45. jim was up there, flipping half-heartedly through the other paper. somebody else had left it up there. he was at work early; he was supposed to start at 6. my first instinct was to turn around and leave, but then i wanted to make sure he wasn't mad at me, so i went in and sat down across from him. i said 'hey.' he glanced up, and replied coolly 'whats up?' and then turned back to his paper without waiting for an answer. i gave him one anway, which he proceeded to ignore. so we sat in silence, as he flips through the paper. he's turning the pages way too fast to actually be reading anything, so i know it's just an excuse to not talk to me. he gets to the last page, and says 'the last page is always full of gay and lesbian stuff.' i don't know what to say. why is the first thing he's said to me in 3 days about lesbians? i'm scared... i reply 'great,' and my voice is dripping with sarcasm. he flips to the personals section, and picks out a few personals of couples seeking a third person, and then he reads a few men seeking men and women seeking women. i am scared that he suspects... so i give the close-minded straight person response, and say 'dude, that shit's nasty,' or something like that. that seems to be the right answer, in his eyes, but i'm dissapointed in myself. i only did it becuase i wanted to 'prove' to him that i'm straight, and i didn't know how else to do it. what can you say to prove that you're straight without putting down homosexuals? but fuck, when i'm gay and i go around saying shit like that, there's no hope for the straight people! why do i have to be something that i'm ashamed of? i hate it. then he gradually returns to old jim, talking more, about regular stuff. we talk for a while and i'm sooo happy that jim's back. then i hear rhonda calling me over the intercom to come back up front. when i get up there, it's 6:15. i took a half-hour break, and jim's 15 minutes late to start working. oops. time flies when i'm talking to jim!

they put me on express and after a while, i need cigarettes. i go up to the service desk and see nobody, so while i wait for someone to show up, i stare vacantly at a random bit of space and analyze the jim situation. then terrie pops up from getting something under the counter, and her chest fills the random bit of space i'm staring at. i'm zoned out and i don't even notice, until she asks 'did you need something, loser?' this brings me suddenly out of my daze and my eyes snap away from her breasts. she is looking at me with this awful expression on her face and i am scared. i tell her cigarettes and she gets them and i leave and i can't stop thinking. fuck, this is bad. i am so convinced that this is what happened: terrie suspected that i was a lesbian when i wouldn't give her the reason that i didn't LIKE jim. then, sometime between monday night and tonight, she talked to jim and told him that i didn't like him and that she suspected that the reason was becuase i was gay. and jim doesn't want me to be gay just as much as i don't want christine to be straight. so he is willing to bring it up, hoping that i will say something to prove that i'm not. and when i do, he can allow himself to believe that i'm straight and terrie is wrong on all counts, mostly becuase that's what he wants to believe. then things return to normal between jim and me becuase he is back to thinking what he wants to think, that i'm straight and he has a chance. so all i need to worry about now is terrie, and i just appeared to be staring at her chest for 30 seconds, which is certainly not a good way to prove your heterosexuality. it was an accident! and i seriously wasn't looking at her chest! i didn't see a thing, i was completely on another planet! but she doesn't know that. this is bad. i spend the rest of my night avoiding terrie like the plague. jp is the other person back there, and i make sure to ask him for everything. and when jp goes on break, i get jeff, who is bagging for me becuase he's on 2nd express, to go get cigarettes for me.

after a while of avoiding terrie, i start to forget about it. jeff has been collecting scraps of paper all night, and as soon as rhonda goes home for the night, our paper war resumes, better than ever. rex teases us about our juvenile behavior until he goes home. jp doesn't care at all and i don't ever glance at terrie to see her reaction, but she says nothing to us, so i guess she doesn't mind. i know i have horrible aim, so i only flick them at him when there's no customers around. he's more confident, and winds up hitting quite a few customers, most of whom are very good-natured about it, and just joke with him. a few seem a bit annoyed by our immaturity, but i'm not really bothered by it. since he flicks them way more often, i end up with a huge stash of paper wads. he says he has a whole bunch stored under 2nd express though. i boost myself up on the edge of the lane and look under the register from the other side and there are none. he puts his hand on my head and pushes me back, complaining 'hey, you weren't supposed to look!' when i go up to get cigarettes (from jp), i take my whole stash with me so he won't take any, and stick a few in his hair on my way up. we have way too much fun with this. he leaves a half hour before me, and a few minutes before he leaves, he says 'man, this is the first time i've NOT wanted to go home in a long time!' i don't want him to leave either-this is fun, and an excellent distraction from terrie. he does though, and then i leave too, only jp isn't back there. he's in the store somewhere, helping a customer. so i have to get the key from terrie. she is glaring at me, i swear. when i bring my drawer up, jp is back and i give it to him. steve is up there for something, and he talks to me so i answer him, and when terrie sees me still standing there, she asks 'why didn't you bring your drawer up?' i am scared. i stammer 'the it he did i there put it is.' and point to where jp put it. she treats me to another scary look, glances down, sees my drawer, and says 'ok, then you can leave.' i take off. screw steve; i'm scared.

i am off on the half-hour, so i have to wait 30 minutes in here before i leave to catch the bus. i go up to the break room and get out my homework to start, but jim is up there, on break. he starts talking to me about my classes, and i give up on getting anything done. i don't really mind. i missed jim. jim and i are laughing at the old pictures in my textbook, and tommy comes in. i'm expecting him to flip me off and join us, but he just kinda stares at us. so i flip him off. he flips me off unenthusiatically, and then turns to give jim a dirty look. he says 'when you're done with your "break", will you let me know so i can take mine?' jim says he really is on break (he is!). tommy says 'yeah, sure.' and leaves. i don't know what to make of that. tommy is even more of a slacker than jim, and he's never had a problem with jim being in the break room when he's not actually on break before. and jim really is on break this time; i saw him clock out a few minutes before i did. and normally, tommy would cheerfully join us and laugh with us. what's his problem? did terrie talk to him too? does he believe her? but then i go back to talking to jim. he brings up terrie. i say i think she's mad at me or she hates me or something becuase she's been giving me funny looks. he says 'yeah, she hates you, and i know why.' i say 'why?' he says 'she says you're a punk.' i laugh. he doesn't really know. or if he does, he's not going to tell me. he jokes 'i'd hate you too, always going up there with your hands in the air, wanting this and that...' (he was up there once when christine was training me to keep my hands down when i'm trying to remember stuff) we talk until i leave to catch the bus, which is definitely at least 15 mintues longer than he was supposed to be on break. so now tommy almost has reason to be upset... but not before!

and now i'm here, with another exciting friday night under my belt. and tomorrow, i don't have to avoid jim anymore (i hope) but now i have to worry about tommy and terrie. christine has the day off. i don't want to go. that place is scary.