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inflicting pain???
i was thinking about marie and torture and sadism in general, and i don't get it... at first. but then i started thinking...

when i was a child, maybe about 6 or 7, my little sister had a baby doll. it wasn't actually a real baby doll, like the kind with the fake hair and the plastic head. it was more like a stuffed animal, because it was soft all over, and it had no hair, except for a few pieces of yarn. she loved it. some kids have a security blanket; my sister had a security doll.
anyway, when my parents were downstairs, and we were upstairs, i used to steal the doll and 'hurt' it. i would stand there, holding it above my head so she couldn't reach, twisting its arms or squeezing its head. my sister would scream and cry and wail, in agony, like i was actually hurting both her and the doll. it wasn't just a cry to get my parents' attention, or a loud scream to make me stop. it was a cry because watching me hurt her doll was torture to her. i knew this, and i loved it. it gave me this wonderful feeling all through me, but especially in my stomach, almost like being turned on does to me now... i loved being in control of her emotions. i loved the power i had and i loved torturing her. i also loved ending the torture. i loved knowing that i could make her pain stop just as easily as i had started it. i loved throwing that doll hard at the wall, watching it slide to the floor, and seeing her dive at it. she would pick it up and coo, 'oh my little baby, it's ok, it's ok, i'm sorry, she's sorry, it's ok...' she would hold it and hug it and love it. i liked to watch this, too, because i knew that i was responsible for it. she was 10 times more attatched to the doll now than she was when i had started, and i loved knowing that i had that effect on her.

i would play this game all the time... i guess eventually, either i outgrew the game, or she outgrew her attatchment to the doll, and it stopped. that's the last (and only) time i can ever remember getting any pleasure out of somebody else's pain...

so is that sadism? was i a sadistic 6-year-old?