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stupidfool
last night i meant to study or come out of the closet. i wound up trying too hard at the latter to accomplish the former, and in the end, accomplished neither. it was rather frustrating. i was talked to alana and her boyfriend (she calls him xavier. i call him extra. long story...). actually, i was mostly talking to just him, and she was cleaning up her room and talking to her friends online. i came close a million times, but there was never quite the opportunity. i kept trying to bring it up, from all these angles, without just flat-out saying it... i can't.

so i studyed today, in the half hour i have between classes. a half hour was not enough... i was the first one done with the exam. some of the questions, i knew from that half hour. the rest, i didn't know at all. there was no in-between, so it went fast, and i came home and cleaned up.

jim emailed me. i want to hang out with him sometime, but i think on my next day off (tuesday), i'm doing something with katie and nikki, so jim will have to wait until the week starting on the 28th, which is a long way away...

at work today, alyssa was teasing me about dating jim, and when i said i wasn't dating him, she said, 'that's not what i heard...'
i told her that she also heard that i slept with marie, so i wouldn't believe what she heard.
she told me that actually, she hadn't really heard that. all she had heard was that we went out and stayed up til like 4:30 in the morning... and she heard it from marie. i think this is strange, because alyssa makes it sound like we actually went somewhere (when we just sat around at marie's house) and like marie was awake with me that whole time (when actually, she went to fell asleep as soon as she kicked jeff out of the bed, around 2 or so).
marie told her that? marie is staring rumors... marie is telling people that i was there. is she as happy about me being there as i am about being there? i guess what i mean is that i'm pretty proud of that night. i don't know if 'proud' is really the word i mean... but i just want to run around screaming, 'i slept in the same bed as MARIE!' people would think i was weird, so i don't, but i find ways to bring it up... when i emailed my parents, i mentioned that i was over there, and talking to extra and alana, i talked about being there. and i was glad to tell rashid and molly about it when they asked.
so if marie told alyssa about me being there, and repeated all the stuff i told her to molly, does that mean that she's as proud of being with me as i am of being with her?

terrie was complaining today about all the stupid self-check people. she was ranting about how they get mad at her, like it's her fault that they can't figure out how to use the machine. i felt like she could have been taking those words straight out of my head. that's what i hate the most about self-check.
later, she had me putting back returns while she ran self-check. when i came back up to take over for her, she had already filled up all the change. i complained 'all of them? why?'
she said she likes doing that part; it's the only good thing about self-check.
that's the only part i like about self-check too. i told her that, and she apologized.
point being, i still think i'm going to be terrie when i grow up.

4 days until the return of marie.

and i was thinking. do you lose your ability to get over things with age? because i'll tell you right now that christine is special because she's the greatest person ever, and holly is special because she's so fun, and terrie is special for reasons that i can't figure out, and marie is special because she's hot and she's my current obsession.
but maybe none of them are special. maybe they're only special to me because they were obsessions, and i'm still not over them, because i can't get over people any more. in grade school and high school, i had these sorts of obsessions too, and the girls were always leaving. they graduated, or quit playing the sport, or whatever. and the moment they stepped out of my life, i hurt. the pain was so bad that i was sure that this one was different... this one was special... i would never get over this one. but given a little time and a new girl to obsess over, i got over every one of them, every time. i never forgot that they existed, but i forgot that they were anything special. i saw one of them, tracy, at the grocery store this past summer, and i felt nothing. i just looked at her and though, 'dude, remember when you used to be obsessed with her?' and that was it.
but holly came along when i was in 11th grade, and for 2 years, she was my obsession. even when i left for school and met alana and started obsessing over her, holly was still in my mind... holly was still special... i still missed her... and i still felt a connection to her. and then i met christine, and holly remained special and alana remained as one of my best friends, and a large part of my life. and then came that whole mess, and the next obsession that arrived was terrie, but while i was obsessing over her, the old obsessions were just piling up, not leaving. terrie was a short-lived obsession, and now i'm on to marie, but i haven't let go of an obsession since before holly. holly is special. alana is my friend. christine is special. terrie is special. i miss holly and christine. i like alana. i feel some weird inexplicable way towards terrie.
so are they really that much more special than all the obsessions of the past, or have i just changed? what if i can't ever get over a girl again? i'm going to run out of room in my brain for all these 'special' girls, if none of them are really anything special...

and then i was thinking some more... my life revolves around obsessions. to find memories from a specific time period, the first thing i have to figure out is who my obsession was, and i know that the rest will come from that. starting in about 4th grade, i can give every period of my life a name... and they'll all be named after girls. like now, i'm in the marie phase. before that, i was in the terrie phase. before that was my christine phase... and i can trace it all the way back, 10 years, that my life has been revolving around various girls...
is this healthy? does this happen to normal people? do i need to see a psychologist, or get cured, or something?

(these sentences stink. i think i'm having trouble expressing myself tonight... i suppose that means it's bedtime.)

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