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shit i think i fucked up bad. back to the beginning though. by the time i could stop worrying last night, it was 5 am. my alarm was set for 8:30 am, but i planned on hitting snooze until around 9. only at 8:30 when it woke me up, i was way too nervous to even think about snoozing. i remember when i used to do trombone solos when i was a little kid and i would be really nervous from the second i woke up until it was finally over. i hated it so much that i quit band. and i liked music too, i just hated performing it for other people. anyway, it was that kind of nervous, only all i'm doing is going to work! so that's 3 and a half hours of sleep. i was exhausted and scared.

i caught the bus to work and when i got there, i was trying to keep an eye out for terrie, but i was just too tired. instead, the nervousness turned into depression. i guess i didn't have the energy to worry, so i just assumed the worst and got depressed over it, since depression takes less energy than worrying.

so i'm just being sleepy and depressed until about 11, when my register goes crazy. it starts to print a reciept, and then it just stops. it's a charge card, so the customer has to sign the reciept, but the thing froze. i try everything and the customer is impatient, so i go to get teena, who is coordinator. i don't see her anywhere. i wait to see if she's coming back to the front end, but after about a minute has gone by and i still don't see her, i go up to the service desk and start trying to tell amit what's wrong. i am scared, of course, since terrie is right there, so the words don't really come out right. he's asking questions to get me to clarify, but terrie cuts him off, in a cold voice, 'you know what, teena is coordinator. go ask her.' i feel like i've been stung... that was so harsh. i say in a small voice 'i can't find her.' she snaps 'well go call her to your register.' so i go back out to my register, but as i pick up the intercom to call teena, terrie comes up behind me and asks impatiently 'now what's the matter?' i stammer and stutter and try not to cry as i explain what happened. she eventually figures it out, although i think it was more due to the state of my register and the customer waiting with a pen than to my jumbled attempt at an explanation. she pulls some plugs and resets some stuff and in a minute or 2, it's back up and running. it was stuff i could never have done on my own though, so it's not my fault i couldn't handle it. and then she leaves without saying a word to me. why is she mad at me? is she mad becuase she thinks i'm a lesbian? mad isn't a normal reaction to that, i don't think.

less than a minute later, i get a customer with a huge stack of coupons. only she's a fucking moron. example one: coupon for 2 boxes of general mills cereal. she bought all kelloggs cereal. example two: 50 cents off sara lee deli ham. she bought big bear brand deli turkey. the list goes on... as i find coupons that are wrong, i hand them back to her and tell her why they're wrong. she is getting mad. i don't know why the fuck this is bothering her. i would think she would just feel bad by now, realizing that maybe she should read the fucking things before she assumes they're for whatever she happens to feel like buying. but intstead, she's mad at me, like i'm being unreasonable by expecting her to use coupons for items that she's actually purchasing. i'm about halfway through her stack of coupons, and about 3 of them have been good so far. i get to one for 2 jars of mayonnaise, so rather than look, i just ask her how many jars she bought. she is furious. she snatches the rest of the coupons out of my hand, and snaps 'fine, if you're going to check every single one of them, i'll just go use them somewhere else!' a million rude comments are on the tip of my toungue and i have to literally bite my lip to keep them in. i say absolutely nothing, finish the order, and hand her the reciept without saying a word. i know if i try to speak, i'm either going to blow up at her or burst into tears. it has not been a good day...

later, i go up to the service desk to get cigarettes, and ann is next to where i wait for them, yelling at terrie for something amit did. amit is with a customer. i wait and pretend i don't hear ann chewing her out. ann tells her that since she's in charge, she has to keep an eye out for amit too; that's part of her responsibility. terrie apologizes and tells her that if it were her, she wouldn't have done it, and she's sorry she didn't know that amit was doing it or she would have never let it happen. ann says ok, well don't let it happen again and terrie turns to go back to counting money. ann asks me 'did you need something, loser?' i tell her the cigarettes, and she says 'terrie, would you get loser her cigarettes?' not in a polite tone either. like, you should have done this yourself instead of making me ask her what she needed. as if terrie wasn't mad enough at me as it was... this doesn't help any. i just watched her get yelled at, and then i helped her get yelled at a little more. ann turns and leaves, and terrie throws the cigarettes at me. tossing cigarettes is a normal occurance around here. throwing them is not. i catch them anyway. eat that.

little ben is bagging, and he is nice to me. of course little ben wouldn't be part of it. he's 15, but he's just a little guy... you'd guess him to be 12 or so. he thinks i look tired, and he bags for me more than anyone else becuase he says i look like i could use the help today. teena and amit think i look tired. when marie shows up, she thinks i look depressed. i tell her i'm fine.

i get my first break and go sit outside at the table. some guy tries to make small talk with me. since i'm in my big bear shirt, i feel like i'm still representing the store, so i can't tell him to shut the fuck up becuase i'm not in a talking mood. i do my best to answer his questions, and then amit comes out for break and the guy switches to talking to him and i sit and think and half-sleep. why does terrie have to know? and why does it have to make her hate me so much? couldn't she just avoid me, and treat me semi-normally when she is forced to talk to me? maybe she thinks even more than just i'm a lesbian. maybe she thinks i'm a lesbian murdering rapist. fuck, what is she thinking? i NEED to know what terrie is thinking.

terrie is supposed to leave at 2:30. she stays until 3, when jane and christine come in. i don't see them talking, but she could have stayed just to talk to them. i don't know what she would have to say to them though. i was so exhausted and depressed today that all i did was get yelled at by her and stare off into space. that's not proof of anything, is it? i am on express and christine and jp are both cashiers today. i guess they were short cashiers or something. they put her on second express, right behind me. i face the opposite way so i don't ever look at her. she comes to the other side of her register and wipes down the belt. she bends down and gets my paper towels. and she uses my trash can. and she collects my returns from under my register. i feel like she's being dana, how she's practically sticking her head up my ass every other second. this is a test, i'm sure. i am a zombie. i ace the test. i don't even flinch when she's that close to me, even when i smell her.

then i have no customer so she calls me (twice becuase i don't hear the first time) and asks me to ring up a water for her. i don't have enough ones to give her change, so i give her what i have, and tell her i'm all out and have to go get more. she says sorry. but she doesn't sound all that sorry. it's those reflexes again. i go get them from michelle and give her her last one and she apologizes again, still not sounding very sincere.

then i go out for my second break. marie is out there on lunch, and she is so nice that she almost cheers me up. she seems to think that i'm depressed becuase i'm going home soon, or becuase finals are coming up. she remembers the last time i was like this, and she says it was around christmas. so i guess she thinks i just get like this when i have to leave here and go back home. but actually, my school year's not ending for 2 or 3 more weeks. when i tell her that, she asks what's wrong. i don't know what to tell her. my basic problem is that either i'm a paranoid freak or terrie knows that i'm a lesbian and is spreading it around. i don't think it's something i should share with marie. she tells me she doesn't like to see me so unhappy. awww... that's a nice thing to say. i tell her i don't either. she says don't stress out so much. and she recommends cigarettes as stress-relief. i give her a half-smile at that, and tell her 'i don't think so, i'd probably choke on one and kill myself.' cigarettes are not my style. i don't like wasting money on something that i can't stand to smell. and she asks if there's anything she can do to help. (another awww... there) i tell her no, but thanks. then eric comes out and they start talking and i sink back into my seat and into my own thoughts again. of course marie is still nice to me. she doesn't know. how could she? christine hates her, and everyone who knows likes christine, so they all dislike marie just becuase christine does. so nobody's going to tell her. she'll be the last to know, down there with michelle. then my break is over.

i see jim a few times throughout my shift. he is friendly and it confuses me. i guess it makes sense that a guy would be more ok with it than another girl. sorta. i don't know.

when my shift is over, i have to buy milk, and christine is still on 2nd express. the line is way shorter than any other line, so i go through it. i don't look at her and i say nothing. even when she asks if i want a bag, i just shake my head, without speaking. and she doesn't say more to me than what is absolutely necessary.

i go out to the bus stop and wait. the bus is late, and i am going insane. i didn't run into jane at all today, so i don't know if she was normal or not. but terrie was awful to me. and then there's christine. she knew i was upset. she was always right around me, and never said a thing to me at all. she would move around to collect baskets and stuff, and i know she saw me staring vacantly off into space. and she knows how i acted coming through her line wasn't normal. what bothers me isn't that she didn't react to this. i don't think it's neccesary for everyone to drop everything and give me a pity party when i'm feeling down. what bothers me is the change in her reaction. when i was feeling down around christmas time, she was sooo concerned, and she was extremely nice to me. and even when i'm just tired, she'll joke with me and tell me to wake up. but today, she ignored me worse than i ignored her. i can only think of one thing that could have caused the change... whatever caused the change in terrie. i have to know. i have to know what terrie is thinking, why she hates me. i can't take not knowing any more. christine is due for a break soon. i get up and go back to big bear. when i'm still far away, i glance at the table, and i think i see christine. i put my head down and walk the rest of the way without looking again, becuase i don't want to stare at her. and i practice the question i'm going to ask her, over and over. 'christine, what does terrie think about me?' when i get to the table, the butterflies are ready to jump out of my stomach, but i am absolutely going to do it. i look up, with the words on the tip of my toungue, and then realize that this is jeff, not christine. damn light hair. they look the same from far far away. fuck. i swallow the words back down. i'm so ready to find out. i have to do it now, before i lose my nerve. so i go inside, and search for christine. but she's not on register, and she's not in the break room, and she's not outside. i don't know where the fuck she is. but i see jim, and so i follow him all the way to the back and when he stops to get something, i blurt out 'what does terrie think?'
he turns around, looks at me in confusion, and asks 'about what?'
he has a confused look again. i can't tell if it's for real or if he's faking it. he says 'i don't know, loser, she hasn't said anything.'
i think i look like a mess. i am wringing my hands and i'm sure the stress is written all over my face. he sees this, and asks 'why, what happened?'
fuck. i don't know. i say 'nothing,' and quickly walk away.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! what if he seriously didn't know? what if he wasn't in on it? that would explain why he's the only one of the 4 still being nice to me. becuase he doesn't know. only now he knows something! i know he'll ask terrie about that. i come up to him, practically crying, and the only thing i want to know is what terrie thinks about me. how can he not feel obliged to share that with her? and shit, when he does, she's going to think that i'm upset becuase i like her and that's why i don't want her mad at me. what have i done? but i still have to know. jim doesn't know, but i'm sure christine and jane must. i can't ask jane. she's my boss. no matter what she thinks of me now, it would be 100 times worse if she saw me like this. that leaves me with christine. i make another circle around the store, searching frantically for christine. i pass jim again, and he looks at me with concern, and says gently 'she seriously hasn't said anything about you, loser.' i say ok and keep walking. i need to find christine. i have to ask her. tommy sees me and asks if i'm ok. i say yeah. he says 'long day?' i say yeah. she's nowhere! i need to find her now! the last bus comes soon! finally, i still can't find her anywhere, and i have to leave for the bus. i am falling apart. i walk by the picnic table and jeff jokes 'you still haven't left?' i don't even answer, and he looks at me closer, and asks if i'm ok. i don't stop, and say yeah. helen's out there too, and she asks if i'm sure. i say yeah and keep walking to the bus stop. and then i ride the bus home.

jenny is there when i get back, and i look awful. she tells me she's going running, and i should come too. i think i do need to get my mind off of it, but i don't think running will do me a whole lot of good, becuase there's too much time to think about things. she says 'that's true, well let's play basketball instead,' and drags me outside to play. it actually helps. when i come in, i go straight to my homework, becuase i know that a shower will get me thinking again, and i won't be able to concentrate at all.

then jenny leaves for the night and i shower, and now i'm driving myself crazy again. tomorrow, i work the exact same shift as jane, terrie, AND christine. i don't know what to do. i get there a few hours before jim does, so i can get to terrie first, if i knew what i needed to say. but i don't! i'm so confused! who do i ask? do i ask anyone? and what do i do if jim tells terrie? how do i keep jim from telling terrie? and i am petrified of terrie. i need to know, but i can't ask her. i could force myself to ask christine what terrie thinks, but i could never ask terrie. with them working the exact same shift, it's going to be hard to get to christine at a time when terrie's not around.

of course, there's still the possibility that this is all in my head, but that possibility gets less likely every day. it could be though.
jane hasn't been all that different to me, if i really think about it. she doesn't ususally talk to me much. and being paranoid could have caused me to overreact to a few faces that she's made.
and christine, today is really the first day i've seen her since this all started. yeah, she was at the store with her friend yesterday, but that hardly counts. and she wasn't really all that nice OR mean to me then. pretty normal, really. less friendly than when she's having a friendly day, but more friendly than when she's having a bad day. today, she definitely way less nice than usual, but she could just be having a bad day herself. being put on register usually makes her unhappy, so that could be part of it. and there's more to her life than big bear, i'm sure.
i have trouble explaining terrie. i suppose she's never been all that nice to me to begin with. and she started working today at 6:30 am, which would definitely put me in a bad mood. maybe she had a hangover or something. and i guess she hasn't been THAT mean to me in the past few days. maybe she just gets sick of my inability to speak, and i take her annoyance with that and turn it into something else.
if it is all in my head, boy do i look stupid asking jim that question.
but i really think it's for real.
but i only got 3 and a half hours of sleep last night. how much can i trust what i think is true on that much sleep? i am exhausted and i know it.
fuck, stop. i'm accomplishing nothing by arguing with myself. i'm going to go to bed now and hope that tomorrow, everything is back to normal.