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i went to class late today, and by the time i was walking up the stairs, it was deserted. i found a 10 dollar bill on the stairs. my first thought was to turn it in... but where do you go to turn in $10 in a campus building? i'm not even sure if there is a lost and found, and who wouldn't claim they lost 10 bucks if they saw it in the lost and found anyway? i kept it.

i was walking home from class, in my own little world, when i saw a guy in a wheelchair crossing the street. i didn't really notice him any more than i noticed anything else... i was more thinking about raising children, and whether i could do a good job of it. anyway, out of the corner of my eye, i see that this guy has somehow fallen out of his wheelchair, and it's tipped over by the sidewalk and he's lying on the ground. i keep walking. a guy in front of me turns around and starts running, and i turn around to see what he's running to, and i see that he's running to help the guy who fell out of his wheelchair. all of a sudden, i feel awful. i saw that guy, and i didn't help? now, there are 4 strong guys over there, and i know there's no need for me, but when it happened, i was the closest... why didn't i help? i don't know. i feel like i'm just a random person watching the scene, speculating about the reasons behind my decision, not like i'm the person who made that decision. i can't remember what i thought. did i think that he could do it on his own? did i not realize that this was real life, and not a video game or a movie or the imaginary world i live in half the time? or am i just a cruel and heartless person? i hope that's not it, but i worry that it might be... i tend to not help people, unless they ask. i mean, i'll give up a seat to an old lady on a bus without thinking, but if somebody trips, my first instinct is to keep my mouth shut and act like i didn't notice, rather than ask if they're ok. i figure it spares them some embarassment if they are ok, and if they're not ok, it will become obvious when they don't get up, and then i'll go offer my help. invariably, they get up, and i say nothing. is this mean of me? i feel terrible. and now, the 10 dollar bill is coming back to haunt me. what if that's another indication of my character? a good person would have turned that in. a good person would have helped the guy in the wheelchair. i am a bad person. i decide that from here on out, i'm going to make an extra effort to be helpful to everybody. i'm never going to let this happen again.

at work, before i clocked in, i was in line, buying some cheese. i have discovered that i really like cheese. swiss cheese and american cheese and cheddar cheese and mozzerella cheese... i just like cheese in general. anyway, i was buying cheese and ann asked me if i knew my schedule for next quarter yet. i said i did. she asked for it, and i told her. then i asked why she asked, and she said 'because we were thinking about putting you in grocery.'
grocery?!?! last i talked to her, they were thinking about moving me to the office. i ask, 'not the office?'
she stares at me blankly. 'no,' she finally replies, as if she has no recollection of ever planning to put me there.
'oh... last i talked to you, you and jane wanted to move me there.'
'oh. well, where would you rather be?'
i can't make this decision this quickly. where will i get to see marie more? which will give me more opportunity for advancement? where will i get a more flexible schedule? will the raises come the same? i stammer for a while, and finally say, 'i dunno, either, maybe office.'
it wasn't very convincing. i wasn't very convinced. i picked that probably just because i had been thinking about that, and had never thought about moving to grocery.
given some time to think about it, i still don't know where i want to go. sometimes i'd rather just not have a choice, so i don't have to decide. i don't want marie to ask me if i want to get drunk. i just want her to get me drunk, whether i want to or not, that way i don't ever have to figure out if i want to. i just want them to move me, that way i don't have to figure out if i wanted to move. that is a stupid way to live. today, i am stupid and cruel. i'd better go to bed, before it gets worse...

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Don't beat yourself up too much, hon, it's a cold, tough world we live in today..we know that by "Helping" people we can help ourselves into some pretty deep shit or even wind up dead.

We all know how criminals fake car break-downs on the highway until someone stops to help, then they rob and beat their asses and take off. People act hurt..you go to help them...same thing. We have become conditioned NOT to get involved..the "Good samartian" is the one who gets robbed and beaten or sued these days for trying to do a good deed. The good people of the world who actually DO need and appreciate help suffer for this..but it's just one of those things.

You wanna hear something exceptionally screwed-up? these two teenage guys were riding double on a motorbike and going too fast around a curve...they lost control and crashed. One guy was thrown from the bike and died instantly from a broken neck. The other guy was trapped under the bike that was still running..the accelerator was stuck on the road and it was revving high and the motor and the exhaust pipe were severely burning the trapped guy who was too injured to move. A passer-by comes along and stops to give aid...as any decent person would..he pulled the motorbike off of the guy and saved him from even more pain and suffering and burns. This was the right thing to do, right?


The police charged him with interferring with a crime scene, he had to go to court and even faced jail time for removing the bike from the guy, the guy's family was in the process of SUING the good samaritan who helped their son..claiming he caused more damage or some ridiculous shit. I don't know how it ever turned out, but I hope the charges were dropped and the lawsuit was thrown out.

This guy would have avoided a world of trouble if he had only kept driving...noone would have ever said a word to him. But he stopped to HELP and was treated like a criminal.

The world we live in is sick and twisted and upside down...right and wrong is all turned around. People get punished for doing good.

As sad as it is...it's self preservation alot of times to put that ten dollar bill in your pocket...to keep on walking..to keep on driving. Unless you want a lawsuit slapped on you for trying to help someone in need..keep steppin'.

thanks... in light of recent events (today i decided today not to trust yet another probably-good-person), hearing this helps me feel a little better about all my recent decisions...

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