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josephine
stupidfool
oh, and my other reason for feeling bad about today...

remember when josephine borrowed a little money from me a while back? well, she did. she paid me back, after a few weeks, and it was no big deal.

some time last week, she told me about this new job she wants to get. first, you have to pay $400 for training, and after you work for them a while, they pay you back for the training. i thought that was a little weird, but she told me that it was a good job, and it would be worth it, if she only had the $400... i know she wants to get out of this place. she's in her 40s... she's making hardly more than i am... she wants a better job. she's wanted one for a while. i wonder if by telling me about this job, she's trying to get me to offer to loan her the money... i don't. $400 is an awful lot to loan somebody, especially when the only time you see that person is at work, and they're using the money to stop working here. and considering that she didn't even ask... well, if she asked, i might do it, but it's not like i'm jumping at the chance to possibly give away my money...

so today, she gives me a note, and tells me to read it whenever i have time, and get back to her by the end of my shift. i read the note. it says that her mom is sick, and her sister needs her to send $300 or she won't get the proper care. she asks if she can borrow some money from me. she says she'll appreciate it if i can, but she'll understand if i say no. i don't know what to think. if her mother really is sick, i feel bad not giving her the money... but if her mother really is sick, wouldn't it cost a lot more than $300? i guess there's the chance that her sister has all the money but $300... but isn't it strange that this comes up right after she told me about needing the money to get a new job? and isn't it a strange coincidence that she just got paid, about $100, and she's asking me for $300, which would add up to $400, which is the exact amount she needs for that training class? if she wanted money for the training class, why didn't she ask me for money for the training class? if that's really what she wants money for, and she's lying about this, how should i trust her to pay the money back? i feel like an awful person, for not just trusting her... but what if the last time i loaned her money, it was just preparation for this? make me trust her with a small amount, and then run off with a large amount... molly said last time, and i agree, that it's very strange for a 40-year-old to be borrowing money from a 20-year old. so i've since turned 21, but i think the same concept applies... isn't there someone her own age she can borrow from? but then again, what if her mom really is sick, and without this money, she'll die? it's only $300... i have that... in fact, molly and i are going to the store tomorrow, and i'll probably spend close to that, on a tv, and some video games, and some new shoes and a belt and shorts... all stuff i don't need. i'm going to feel guilty, spending that money if it could have saved a life... but it's not even like i'm making that tradeoff, really. i have $600 as easily as i have $300... i could buy my junk and loan her the money, if i trusted her to pay it back. and she's given me no reason not to trust her... i just can't do it. those worries, combined with the fact that marie and my jealousy are making me hate the world, are what make me tell her no. i tell her i don't have $300 that i can get at, because i just bought a car. i tell her i'm really sorry. she says it's ok, and she knows i bought the car, and she had worried about that...
it was almost the truth. most of my money really is somewhat inaccessible... i almost don't have $300 that i can loan her. at least, i don't have $300 in the same account that i used last time to loan her money. in a twisted way, it's almost the truth, and i have to convince myself of this before i can actually tell the lie. i can't lie if i can't find a way to believe that it's the truth...
i hope i didn't just make the decision to kill her mother...