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marie and i work the same shift today. it will be her first day back to work since that night... it will be the first time i've seen her since the morning after that night... and i don't know what to expect. will things be just like they were before it happened? will they be more intense? or less intense, like she doesn't even care any more? how do i want them to be? i can play a part in how they are; i'm half of this puzzle... but i don't think i even know what i want. in a way, i want them to be just like they were before. i want to be able to laugh and joke and touch and tease, and maybe someday, in a week or a month or two, we'll sleep together again, mess around a little, whatever. or maybe that's not what i want. maybe i'd rather have a relationship, where she's decided that she likes me, and she wants to see me outside of work. maybe i want her to drop hints all day about 'magic kisses,' and then beg me to come home with her after work. that's not realistic, though, not with her being who she is... so maybe what i really want is for her to forget about me. maybe i'd like for her to flirt hard with paul and kyle, hurt me all over, until finally i give up and get over her. that would be good for me because this is not, and will never be, a healthy relationship, which is my ultimate goal. yeah, maybe i have no idea what i really want...
plus, amit works. i know he'll ask her what happened, and i know he'll also ask me. what's she going to say? she won't tell the truth, will she? but what if he asks something, like where she slept, and i lie and say on the couch and she tells the truth, or vice versa? or what if she doesn't even bother to lie? what if she wants to brag about it, and just flat-out tells him, 'i slept in her bed and we made out.' then do i deny it and pretend she's just playing, like she was with the threesome story, or do i give up and admit it?
and how about my closet? i came out of the closet to her... does she realize that i don't want her to tell people? i never flat-out told her not to tell. if she wasn't paying close attention, she might not even realize that she's only the 3rd person to know that about me... and she especially might not know that i don't want her to tell terrie about it, because we discussed terrie already knowing. maybe she doesn't realize that terrie knows, but she doesn't really know, because i still haven't told her. i'm scared to go to work...