?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Previous Entry Share Next Entry
damnit i'm falling apart...
stupidfool
god, everything is wrong. i don't even know what's wrong. i came home from work, laid down on my bed, and cried for a half hour straight and i still can't stop the tears.

i guess the first problem is that i skipped class today and missed a quiz. i haven't been to that class in about 2 weeks now, but that's the least of my worries... and it's stupid that i'm not more bothered by that.

the big issues arise at work. marie is there and i realize that maybe i thought i was obsessed with her before, but it just got 10 times worse. i spend every second watching her, and when she's out of my sight, i keep my eyes right on the spot where i last saw her, which occasionally throws me for a loop, when she comes back from the other direction. i want her to talk to me and i want her to touch me and i want her. i look at her and sometimes i can't even see her as a person any more. i don't understand what she's doing working a job, or talking to people, because she's not supposed to be a person, just a body. that's the body that was in my bed. that's the body that pressed tightly against mine... those are the arms that held me close while i came out of the closet... those are the lips that touched mine... those are the hands that carressed me all over...

but there are constant reminders that she is a person, and that if i could just think straight for a second, i would probably realize that i don't even like that person. the pregnant kelly tells me how marie's mom stalks her now, because marie won't stop 'getting her groove on.' she says one time, marie was supposed to wash the dishes, but instead she snuck out and 'got her groove on,' and how marie does that way too often, and she's going to get herself into trouble. and teena asks why that boy always brings her food, and then answers herself: 'because you flirt with him... damn, you're such a whore.' everybody in the world knows she's a whore. christine told me she's a ho. i knew it and i wasn't even trying to deny it... and who am i to look down on her for that? damn, i'm just as bad. the only difference is i don't like guys, which severely limits my options. i didn't have to do anything with marie that night... i didn't even have to sleep in the same bed as her. i crawled into that bed with her, hoping something would happen, all the while knowing that she's a ho and that if it did, it would mean nothing to her, that there would be no relationship. is that the kind of person i am? am i just as bad as her? if i was just as bad as her, i wouldn't have spent the last half hour crying about the situation i've gotten myself into, would i have? maybe i just wish i could be as bad as her. maybe i'm trying to be as bad as her, and failing miserably. i'm falling short of being her, but i've gone too far to go back to being me, and now i'm fucking stuck in a hole i can't get out of.

we play, like we always play, joking around. it's like it never happened, except for twice.
once, she goes to go on break, and tells me to be in charge for 15 to 20 minutes. when i went on break, she insisted that i take exactly 15 minutes, not one second more. so i complain, 'why do you get 15 to 20 minutes, when i have to be punctual?'
she answers, 'because i have magic kisses, and you don't.'
i mutter, 'because you're a jerk, and i'm not.'
she shrugs and says, 'whatever.'
and once, i steal a pen from her and she wrestles me for it until amit goes away to help a customer and it's just the two of us, and then she stops fighting and tells me, 'if you don't give it back, no more magic kisses.'
i pretend i don't care. i keep it for a little longer, and then give it back, but i care. i care that i won't get any more kisses, but more than that, i care that she just used a kiss as a bribe. what is this? you give me my pen back, and maybe i won't have to take away my kisses. you let me take an extra long break, and maybe i'll kiss you later. you supply me with alcohol and tell me something i want to know, and maybe i'll make out with you. but you're meaningless to me; it's just my way of rewarding you. is that how this works?

and her hair... that night, i told her i loved her hair, because i do. i played with it and touched it and smelled it, and she talked about cutting it off and i told her not to. so today, she puts her hair in a ponytail and every once in a while, she comes by and whips me in the face with it. it stings, but it also feels good and smells good, and i know she's just reminding me, just torturing me, playing. it's a game. it's all a fucking game to her. look, i can make you want me. is this fun to her? yeah, marie, this is a fun game... god, i fucking hate this. and my mind slips back to that note, the one christine wrote to marie nearly 2 years ago, the last line: is it a game to you?
it is. it was then; it is now.
why didn't i pay more attention to christine? she knew marie played games. she said marie's a ho. she hated marie... she said that girl's nothing but trouble... christine's my favorite person in the world, and i listen to every word she says, and believe it all without questioning. yet despite everything she said about marie, i wound up falling for her anyway...

at least i think that's what happened. did i fall for her? i can't even decide if i did or not.
sometimes, i think that i fell for her hard. i think that i'm head over heels in love with her, and what bothers me is that she's never going to return that feeling. i think that deep down, even though i tell myself she'll never be my girlfriend, i'm hoping that she'll see the light, forget about the millions of guys she flirts with and has sex with, and only have eyes for me... and then we can live happily ever after. so the reason i'm so upset is because she's constantly doing and saying things to remind me that this is only a dream, and proving to me that it will never turn out that way.
but then other times, i think that all i want from her is sex. then the reason i'm so upset is because i can't reconcile that with all the morals i've been taught. sex before marriage is wrong. sex is an expression of love. sex isn't something that you do with anybody who happens to be in your bed. and then maybe this idea that i'm in love with her is just my way of convincing myself that it's ok to want her body as badly as i do.

or maybe my real issue is that i'm in love with the marie i get when we're alone. she's so tender and gentle, and she cares about me. i'm not just talking about the sexual part now, either. how long has this been going on, and i never even noticed it until now? there are two maries. when it's just me and marie, she cares. think back to last december, when i was upset over christine. marie and i were outside together, and she was so nice she almost made me cry, asking if i was ok, and trying to help, and saying how she hated to see me so sad. or remember the day i came back from the summer, and found her by herself in an aisle, and she stopped and told me sincerely how glad she was that i was back, and how much she had missed me, and how she couldn't wait for me to come back to work? or how about the morning at her house, where all she wanted was to listen to me talk? she wanted to know about my family and my friends and my home and the dorms, and everything that had ever happened to me. then, there are no games. she cares, or it sure seems like she does. but throw her in the middle of a grocery store, or even in a living room containing aaron and molly, and she doesn't care any more. maybe she can make that switch like it's nothing, but i can't. for a long time, i expected the marie i got in public, and the caring marie took me by surprise. sometime, though, i made the switch, and now i'm expecting the caring marie, and 99 times out of 100, i wind up with the public marie. is that what hurts?

now what? the solution is not the same for all the problems, and i don't even know what problem i'm having. all i know is that i hurt, and all i want is for marie to come hold me and make it all better. and even that is probably fucking wrong, because when tomorrow comes, and she's back to being herself, it will just be worse for me. yeah, now what?