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stupidfool
i decided that to think about this all objectively, what i needed was a good night's sleep. so i set my alarm to wake me up right before work. it took me forever to fall asleep, but when i did, i slept through all my classes and got 8 good hours in. i woke up and the nerves kicked in immediately. i havent felt completely relaxed in way too long.

i caught the bus to work. and i have no idea what to think about anything. i guess i'll just break it down into exactly what happened. well first, me. i was nervous and upset and i didn't know what to think. i don't do well with hiding my emotions. so at the beginning of my shift, i was obviously nervous. jp asked if i was ok, which was nice of him. it didn't take long for the nervousness to wear me out, so after the first few hours, i shifted more into depression. customers noticed and told me to smile, it can't be that bad. i feel bad when they notice. i shouldn't make them worry about me. i shouldn't make people worry about me. i should be better at hiding this stuff. but anyway, now the other people:

first, jim. this one's easy. jim had the day off. this means that jim hasn't told terrie that i asked about her yesterday. i checked the schedule, and jim and terrie don't overlap until friday, so i have a few days before i have to start worrying about terrie hearing that.

next, jane. jane spent the first 7 hours of her 8-hour shift upstairs, doing administrative stuff like writing the schedule and i don't know what else. in the last hour of her shift, she came down to the service desk. her and terrie laughed a lot at i don't know what, but christine wasn't really a part of it, so when i needed anything, christine got it for me. i didn't interact with jane even once, the whole time.

then terrie. she spent the first 3 hours upstairs, and when she came down, she wasn't friendly to me, but she never is. she wasn't yelling at me or anything. about halfway through my shift, i went up there for some cigarettes. being tired, upset, nervous, etc, i didn't do such a good job of speaking and i tripped over 'marlboro.' it came out more like 'murlobara.' christine got them for me, but terrie joked 'no, we don't have any murlobara here, just marlboro.' i wasn't in a joking mood, so i just said dryly 'that's what i meant.' but she wasn't joking in a mean way. a few times i went up there for other stuff, and terrie got it for me, and she didn't say anything mean. she said only normal things to say, and she said them in a normal tone of voice, as far as i could tell. i don't know how she was looking at me through any of this, because when i'm upset, i tend to not look at people anyway, and today, i was trying extra hard not to look at her so she wouldn't get any more proof that i like to look at girls. so i have no idea if she spent the whole time glaring at me or smiling at me. being completely objective, and basing this only on what i know happened, i would have to say terrie treated me completely like normal today.

finally, christine. with both terrie and jane upstairs for the first 3 hours of my shift, that left me asking christine for everything. she didn't speak to me at all, except for to ask what i needed. i would tell her, she would hand it to me, and i would mope away. this continued for 7 hours. i had to ask her for things at least 25 times, and each time she handled it in silence, and i took whatever it was from her, and left in silence. when i gave her my drawer for break, she took it without a word, not even the typical 'how are classes?' that has become practically a reflex for her. about 3 hours before my shift ended, she brought out a different drawer for me to use. she switched them in silence, and as she left, she said 'thanks loser.' it was the only thing she had said to me that wasn't completely neccesary, but it was said in a quiet voice, without feeling. after 7 hours of this, i was convinced that even if terrie was being normal, something had to be wrong for christine to be so quiet towards me. then, about a half hour before i'm supposed to leave for the night, i'm running on this new drawer. christine comes out to collect up some of the slips and cash i've accumulated. she is crouched down collecting my charge slips from under the register and i'm ringing up a customer, and she says in this low voice 'you ok?' it takes me a minute to realize that she's talking to me. i want to ask her what terrie thinks, but all of a sudden, i'm not so sure that terrie thinks anything. if terrie did think something, would christine be asking if i'm ok? i answer meekly 'yeah.'
she asks, still in that low voice, 'you sure?'
i say yeah. she asks 'tired?'
i say yeah. she asks 'are you sure that's all?' and she temporarily stops collecting slips and looks up at me.
i am suddenly all choked up and i don't know why. all day i've been sad, but i haven't felt like crying until now. all her attention is focused on me. i'm afraid i'll cry if i try to speak, so i just nod my head slowly up and down. she continues watching me for a moment, and then turns back to the drawer and picks up the last few slips. then i'm done ringing up the order and i have to talk to the customer now, and she leaves with the stuff while i'm attempting to ask him paper or plastic. he answers 'are you ok?' i knew i couldn't trust my voice... he didn't even know that christine and i had just had a conversation on this same topic, we were that quiet about it. i tell him yeah, i think maybe i am. the rest of the night, any time i have no customers, i face away from the service desk and just listen. terrie and jane are being loud and laughing and having a great time, but i don't hear christine at all. usually, she would be right there, laughing with them. so maybe christine is not doing so well herself. maybe she's been treating me differently becuase of something going on with her, not something she thinks about me. and if that's the case, then her asking me if i'm ok was extra nice, becuase if she has to deal with her own problems, i certainly shouldn't expect her to worry about mine too.

when my shift ends, i don't want it to be over. i'm still missing so many answers. i want to make sure that christine really is in a bad mood. i want to interact with terrie some more, only look at her once or twice, to see how she's looking at me. and i want to hear jane talk to me, to see how she's acting.

the other thing i overlooked yesterday was this: half the reason i was convinced that all this was true was because of the questions jim asked me in the break room, that made me think that terrie knew and had told him. but if he seriously doesn't know what terrie thinks about me (like he said yesterday), that's half my proof right there, gone. so if he was telling the truth (yesterday, i was sure that he was), then i'm pretty foolish. either he's telling the truth, and i'm completely wrong, or he's lying and i could still be right. but it's not likely that he could be telling the truth AND terrie, jane, and christine could all know, which is what i was sure of yesterday. there is also the possibility that terrie suspects but is keeping it entirely to herself. and then, there is the possibility that i am just completely, hopelessly insane, and ought to be committed to some sort of asylum with white padded rooms, and am making this all up. and i just don't know which one it is. no fucking clue. how am i supposed to tell?

but i have tomorrow off. the next day, i overlap christine by a few hours, but i work til close with teena and michelle, which is safe, but won't help me figure anything out. so my plan for tomorrow is to forget about it, relax, maybe attend a few classes, and do a little homework. i am often amazed that i'm not failing out of school yet. i need to work at it a little; no need to push my luck.