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stupidfool
today, i realized that marie and i spend a disproportionate amount of time staring into each others eyes. i don't really know why, but when we're together and there's nobody else within a few feet, about half the time, we wind up just gazing at each other in silence. like tonight, i was curled up on the bottom of a carryout cart, hiding from kiera (who was mad at the world), and marie peers over the top of the cart and looks down at me. she asks, 'are you scared?'
i look at her and say 'yeah,' and then i keep looking. we both are silent, and just look, and finally, she sticks out her tongue at me, just slightly, so i stick mine out back. and then we stare a while longer, and then she gets a customer. when she's done, she comes back over and strokes my hair, over and over, for a long time, and it's so nice and comforting that i nearly fall asleep...

kinitra is hot. marie came along, and i forgot about the problems i had talking to hot girls... kinitra brings them all back. i talk to jamal and aleesha and marie and everybody else when kinitra is around, just so she doesn't think i'm mute, but i can't say a word to her, even when she's bagging for me, or even when she's done bagging, and just standing at the end of my lane and there's not a customer in sight. there are no words anywhere near my mouth, and finally, i feel ridiculous being silent, so i escape and wander over to talk to rashid. no wonder hot girls never seem to care for me... they probably think i hate them, that i'd rather talk to everybody else but them.

terrie hates me. i studied the break list forever, especially kinitra's schedule. kinitra was supposed to go home at 7. at 7, she was still here. i placed myself between here and the door, that way maybe i would say bye to her on her way out. at 7:05, she was still here. at 7:10, she was still here. i wondered if terrie (who was coordinator) had asked her to stay, or if she was supposed to go home now. i suppose the proper solution would have been to ask kinitra, but, like i said, i can't talk to hot girls. so i went and found terrie and started, 'don't yell at me like i'm trying to question you or know-'
she cuts me off, 'then don't ask me.' then she turns around and walks away.
i just stare at her. after a few minutes, she comes back, and asks in exasperation, 'ok, what?'
'just this says kinitra leave 7 but now not after that,' i stammer.
'she probably came in late,' terrie says, and walks away.
at 7:30, terrie asks kinitra when she's supposed to go home. kinitra says, '7.'
terrie tells me she's sorry, i was right, but she doesn't sound very sorry. in fact, she sounds like if i'm right one more time, she'll probably shoot me.
promise to myself: from here on out, i am not saying one word to terrie unless i aboslutely have to. i refuse to give her any more reasons to hate me.

rashid was teasing me about marie, and he asked (it's the first time he asked this) where marie slept on the night of the jello shots. i tell him she stayed at my place.
'in your bedroom?'
'yeah.'
'in your bed?'
i briefly consider lying, but decide against it. 'yeah.'
'ooooooooh!' he exclaims.
ok, now it's time to lie. 'not like that! geez, sicko, you need to stop it...'
he calmed down, and said, 'seriously, do you know that there's some rumors going around about you and marie and terrie?'
'terrie?' i ask.
he says yeah, that rex told rashid that he heard some stuff about me and marie and terrie... rex? rex isn't even in the front end... he hardly talks to alyssa, who probably started this... rex wasn't specific with rashid, so i don't know exactly what the rumor is... but if it's gotten to rex, who else has it gotten to? and how long will it be before it gets back to terrie? i just remember how mad terrie got when rashid and i joked about her and jp, and she liked jp... just imagine how upset she'd be if she heard a rumor about her and ME!

it is unbearably hot in here. the ac is not working, and for once, it's not alana's fault. it's set at 75, but it's 85 in here. it's cooler than that outside, but there's no window in my room. i think i'm going to sleep on the floor in the living room.

tomorrow is laundry day. maybe i'll write some of that paper while my clothes are in the wash...