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stupidfool
3 things:

i want marie. can i just say that for the 40,983rd time? it's the worst when i see her... i'm almost ok when she's not there. it's especially bad when she takes me home (like she did tonight). i almost always wind up getting done before them, so i'll go sit in the corner of the office and watch them finish. (i say 'them,' but really, my eyes never stray from marie...) i just watch her hips, her back, her neck, her legs, her thighs, her breasts... the more i look, the hornier i get... and when finally they're done, we go out to her car, and we're alone in her car in the dark and i just want to touch her, or for her to touch me... and maybe she does touch my hand or my cheek, but it's nowhere near enough to satisfy the desire i've built up staring at her for however long. so when i get out of her car, i am frustrated and disappointed and i come upstairs and lie in my bed. i remember the night that she was in it with me, and i situate my pillow right where she was, and i cuddle up against the pillow and kiss the pillow's neck and stroke the pillow's shoulder and tell the pillow how much i wish it wasn't just a pillow, and how nice it would be if it actually had a neck and a shoulder and i didn't have to be so imaginative...
it sounds an awful lot more like lust than love when i describe it this way, doesn't it?

i took an entire break (15 minutes) with kinitra. it was just the two of us, for that whole time. let me now recount for you our entire conversation:
(there is golf on tv)
me (because i have to say SOMETHING to this hot girl): you like golf?
her: nah, just there's nothing else on.
me: me either. i don't even really know how to play.
her: me either.
and then there is silence, except for the sounds of the golf on tv.
she is still hot. i still can't talk to girls who are hot.
but she walks with a masculine swagger. i take that as a good sign.
this just in: so what? i just realized, straight people have that almost automatically. even if she is gay, that doesn't mean she's got the slightest interest in me... i'm all excited about trying to prove that she's gay, figuring that's the first step... but so what? the first step is nothing. just because somebody is capable of being attracted to girls doesn't mean they'll automatically be attracted to me. i'm not that irresistible... ;-)

i worked in produce today. both the produce people called off and they came and got me because i don't argue and when marie's not around, i actually work. i have decided that i hate produce because bugs like fruit and i strongly dislike bugs. i have also discovered that there aren't many things that are more disgusting than sticking your hand in a box of mushy moldy peaches.

that will be all. i need to start writing a paper now so i don't have to do it all tomorrow.