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i haven't been here in a while, so i think i'm going to have 2 entries tonight. first topic: marie

i haven't hardly seen her. it's a good thing and a bad thing, all in one. thursday, the thought of her made me cry. friday, the thought of her was upsetting. saturday, the thought of her was good and bad. by the time sunday rolled around, when i thought of marie, all the bad stuff was gone. i thought about her and me with our flashlights, exploring the back dock when the power went out, laughing all the while we were scared to death. i thought about her a year ago, sitting outside at the picnic table, telling me how sad it makes her to see me upset, and wanting to help me. i thought about sitting in her lap on her couch, while she begs me to tell her about rashid's 'first marie then terrie' comment. i thought about snuggling up against her in my bed, and about the way she tells me that she loves me, and about how wonderful her arms feel around me... i don't think about the bad stuff. and even when i remind myself that the bad things exist, they only stay in my mind for a split second, before the good thoughts come back and take over. they're not there long enough to allow me to realize that this situation is hopeless, and that marie is no good for me. maybe it's self-preservation, because thinking bad things about her all the time depresses me, but maybe it's just denial...

on sunday, i saw her, for a very short time. she bought a pack of lighters so she could smoke, and she gave me one. she even gave me the purple one, because she remembered that i didn't have that color. in fact, she remembered the color of every lighter she's ever given me. (this is the 6th. the first 4 are on display in my room and the 5th still has fluid, so it's in my pocket.) she told me how excited she was about me moving, and asked if she was going to get to see my new place. she said that she and jeffy wanted to come over sometime and visit, and i said good. i miss jeff, too. she came over and stood with me in the low doorway, and held my hand, for no good reason, just to enjoy the feel of it. and then she went home, and i felt good about the marie situation...

but now, i don't know what to do. part of me thinks that i just need to forget about her. i need to remember only the bad things about her, and i need to stay away from her. i can't be her friend, because that just doesn't work. marie is not that great to begin with, and even if she was, no matter how wonderful and kind and caring the person is, nobody can be a good enough friend for you when you're in love with them. marie will never like me how i like her, and if i keep pretending, i'll get nothing but trouble. so i just need to force myself to believe that she feels nothing more for me than she feels for the millions of other guys and girls she 'loves,' and i need to get over her.

but on the other hand, i don't know how realistic that is... in my 21 years of experience, i've found that getting over somebody cannot be a conscious decision. wanting to get over somebody and actually getting over them are two very separate concepts, and usually, you can't actually get over someone until you stop trying... and in that case, maybe my best bet is to try and extend the periods of denial and shorten the periods of reality. i'll ignore all signs that she doesn't care, and cherish the signs that she does. it will occasionally be painful, but at least the denial will be pleasant. and really, it's more than just pleasant. when she's not around and i'm in denial, the thought of her is pleasant, but when she is around, acting like she cares, it's more. it's wonderful and it's amazing and it's right. if being with her can feel that great, why should i force myself to give that up, just because sometimes it can be bad?
but... is it really good for you to lie to yourself? it just seems... unhealthy. but trying to force myself to get over her seems impossible. and i can't think of any other options... i don't know what the answer is...