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entry i made in lesbian
stupidfool
so i'm home from school for a little, and i'm thinking about coming out to my parents. (this doesn't mean i'll actually do it; i've been thinking about it for over a year now.) anyway, i imagine them asking me questions, like how long i've known, or when i first suspected, or something like that.

the truth is, my first 'lesbian' memories came way before i knew i was a lesbian, and before i even knew what one was. when i was as young as 5 or 6, i remember having crushes on older girls or women. they weren't crushes in the sexual sense, because i had no hormones. it was just that i admired them and wanted to be like them, and i wanted them to like me, but in more of a maternal way.

for example, in 3rd grade, i had a crush on a teacher (not mine). there was a supply closet across the hall from her classroom. i would sit in class and daydream that some nameless, faceless 'bad guy' would trap me in the closet (ironic, huh?), and that i would cry for help. nobody would come, but then, when school let out, everybody would go home but said teacher, and she would hear my crying, and come rescue me. she would hug me and stroke my hair and tell me she loved me, and that it would be ok, and that she wouldn't let the bad guys get me again. and from then on out, she would be protective of me, and i would be like her own daughter, how she would take care of me and hug me and kiss me. gradually, this kind of crush evolved into the sexual kind of crush that i get now...

i imagine telling this story to my mom, as a way to make her understand that being gay isn't about sex, and that i was gay way before it was sexual... but then i wonder... doesn't this make it seem like i turned out gay because i didn't get enough affection from my own mother? if you were my mom, and you heard this story, wouldn't you think if i had just hugged her more, she could have turned out straight... or i should have said 'i love you' more? i don't think there was anything wrong with the way my mother raised me, and i don't think that she's the reason i turned out gay... but i can't be sure of that. is it possible that that's why i'm gay? or are all early crushes like that? growing up, did you ever like older women in a non-sexual way like that? do straight girls have crushes on older men in that same way? or is this abnormal? if i come out to my mom, should i tell her this, or just skip over it, like being gay began when i got hormones?