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coming out to my parents
tomorrow is my last night here. my mom is cooking my favorite dinner, and we'll sit down and eat it as a family dinner. they'll go to bed, and by the time i get up, they'll all be at work and at school, and i'll leave to go home. tomorrow night is the last chance i have to see them... to talk to them... and to come out of the closet to them. it's the perfect chance. it's not a holiday, so nobody's extra stressed. there's nothing else big going on right now, that we need to discuss. i have my own car now, so if something goes horribly wrong, i can just leave. this is my opportunity... and i don't even want to think about it, really. i know that there's about a 99% chance that i won't actually do it. and if i'm not going to do it, i shouldn't think about doing it, or plan on doing it, or try to talk myself into doing it, because i'll just wind up disappointed when i fail. in fact, why should i write an entire journal entry about something i'm probably not even going to do? but on the other hand, if i never think about it and never plan on doing it, then it won't ever happen. this isn't something that i'm going to just tell them by accident... i'm going to have to get myself psyched up to do it... so i'm going to plan on doing it. i'm going to bring up rashid, and see if they ask me about dating him. i'm going to bring up katie's wedding. i'll bring up jim, and maybe even his bisexual ex-girlfriend. if i can get a way into it, i'll bring up terrie and her girlfriend. i'll ask jacob about his love life (he has none). i'll work to find a way to tell them, and if a way presents itself, i'm going to try my hardest to just say it. any way i can say it is fine. 'i'm gay' would be super, but 'i don't like guys; i like girls' would work, or 'terrie's a lesbian, and me too,' or 'i can't get married... well, not legally, not in this state,' or anything... just as long as i don't talk about sleeping with marie, i should be fine. i REALLY want to do this... but i'm not going to get mad at myself if i don't. there's always tomorrow; there's always molly and aaron and alana and extra and lauren and katie and nikki and rashid and... yeah, i have a lot of people on my out-myself list, and as long as i'm making progress on something, it will help. the more i do this, the easier it becomes, right? so if i can come out to my parents tomorrow night, it will make coming out to molly easier. and if i don't come out to them, then i can come out to molly, and it will make coming out to my parents easier. i'm going to try... tomorrow night, i'll give it my best shot.