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stupidfool
today, jane wrote the schedule for next week. when she was done, she found me to tell me that next week, i'm working all my shifts in the office! sunday and monday, i'm working with her and she'll train me, and then the other days, i'm on my own. i'm excited and i'm nervous, but mostly, i just can't stop thinking about how this will affect my time spent with marie. today, teena said that marie was crazy if she was saying that she was going to be an acsc. she said jane might have said that to be nice, but that marie would never be able to do it, because you have to be available all the time, and marie's in school and she's all picky with her availability on weekends too. that makes me sad, because i want to work with marie... and at the same time, i don't. marie is bad for me. i want to get away from her. i want to meet some other girls who like girls, and forget about her. i want to come out of the closet now and take the lesbian class in the winter, when it's offered... but i won't take the class if i'm not out of the closet. so i need to get going...

marie was there today. she bit my finger and didn't ever get around to kissing it. we wrestled here and there, and she tickled me a little, but mostly, she hung all over paul and ignored me. i hate it. she doesn't like me. and i don't like her; i just think i do.

after marie left, i could think about things other than her, and i started to have fun with rashid. we were separating the returns by aisles, and while we did it, we were joking around and just having a good time. after a while, we noticed that helen and kiera were watching us, and i heard helen say our names. i asked what they were saying, and they both just laughed. finally, helen said, 'we were just singing.'
'singing what?'
they glance at each other, and kiera shrugs and starts, 'rashid and debbie, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g...'
i roll my eyes and rashid tells her to shut up, and we ignore them again and go back to talking, about marie and her willingness to sleep with anybody, and about terrie. he says terrie gave him a ride home on monday night, and without customers, she was nice and friendly, not bitter at all. she was talking about music that she liked to listen to, and normal stuff like that. i suddenly wish that i didn't have a car... i want terrie to give me a ride home... can anybody tell me what i think of terrie?

i tell rashid to move so i can move the baskets. he replies, 'fuck the baskets.'
i laugh and say, 'that doesn't sound like much fun. i can think of a lot of better things than baskets...'
he grins and asks, 'terrie? molly? marie?'
i take the cardboard box i'm holding, and i hit him with it a few times. teena calls, 'debbie, stop flirting and do some work.'

my life is crazy, or maybe i'm just crazy. one day i hate terrie and the next day i like her. i want to move to the office, and then i don't. i'm sure i'm in love with marie, and then i realize that it's just my head playing tricks on me, but the next day, i'll forget it and love her again. the potential lesbian is a girl, and then a boy, and then a girl again. one day, i'm sure everybody knows that i'm a lesbian, and the next day, they're all talking about how rashid and i are in love. i wish things were a little more consistant...

15 minutes before i got off, teena called and said that she had forgotten to bring her leftover pizza home. she asked if i could either eat it or throw it away. there were 3 or 4 pieces left. i ate it. then i came home, and molly and aaron were eating in the kitchen. i was still in the coming-out-of-the-closet frame of mind, so i decided that i needed to sit down and talk to them. i couldn't figure out a good way to do that without eating again, so even though i was still full from the pizza, i made myself another meal and sat down to eat with them. we talked... i even got us to talk about gay people, and i said 'gay,' lots. i asked what fruity meant, and molly didn't know, but aaron said he thought it meant gay. molly asked why i wanted to know, and i told her about the french vanilla thing, but left out the part about marie insisting. i just said that marie said 'you're fruity,' and then she and sam both laughed, and i didn't get it. molly laughed and asked, 'so nickolas is fruity?'
'well marie is half fruity,' i offer.
'half?'
'no, probably not half,' i say.
'i didn't know that,' molly says.
'well i don't mean half, really. i just mean part fruity. well not part...'
i can't get my point across without the words. i give up and just say it. 'she's not gay, just bisexual. that's not really half gay.'
'it sort of is,' molly says.
'nah, not really,' i tell her
'i thought half gay was when you wouldn't do certain things,' aaron offers.
'i don't think there's really such thing as half gay,' i say.
'but marie really is bisexual?' molly asks. she's astonished. she honestly didn't know that...
'yeah,' i tell her, 'it's obvious... everybody knows that!'
i feel like christine, and molly's just like me. everybody doesn't know that. i didn't know until christine told me, and she told me that everybody knew. that's the only reason i'm saying it to molly... i just want to be like christine... and if christine thinks everybody should know that marie's bisexual, and if christine thinks it's obvious, then so do i.
i want to keep talking about fruity. we talk about aaron's old gay roommate, and about being on the d.l., and about a fruity guy who came in with a blue hankie in his right back pocket, and i tell them about the hankie code. i only know a few, like navy, black, red, and yellow. they wonder how i know, and i honestly don't know how i learned about the hankie code. but all this talking about gay people, and i still can't find a convenient time to interject, 'oh, by the way, i'm gay.'
they go upstairs and i sit at the table with a plate of food that i never wanted to eat in the first place. why can't i just tell them?
but at least i'm saying the word... i'm getting there, right? maybe next time, i'll just do it...?

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