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alyssa is not a lezzzz-beeeee-innnn
even though i spent 8 hours today with my beautiful wonderful marie, i'm going to show amazing self-restraint and skip all that, and tell just this one story before i go to bed.

i was coordinator today, so i had a set of keys. keys are a pain. if you carry them around in your hand, you'll set them down and forget them. if you put them in your pocket, they're constantly poking you. if you put just the keychain (it's a round flat thing that fits nicely against you) in your pocket, and leave the keys hanging out, every time you lean over a counter, the keys poke you. my solution matches christine and terrie's solutions (although i'm sure it's only a coincidence). put the keychain in your back pocket, and leave the keys hang out. (this is only a pain when you run, because then you get a set of keys thwapping against your rear end with every step.)
so all normal people, if they need a key, or the spare card from the keychain, will ask me for it, and i'll hand it to them as soon as i can. alyssa will come up behind me, say, 'i'm going to grab your ass,' and then take the keys out of my back pocket. it does go a bit faster that way, but it makes me jump every time. i'm a jumpy person by nature, and she knows it. 'i'm going to grab your ass' is not a warning, because she's already grabbing for the keys as she's saying it. and when you're standing at a counter, off in your own little world, the last thing you expect is for something to sneak up behind you and touch your butt.
so i was talking to her and rashid and one of the new baggers, and rashid says, 'watch this,' and he pokes a finger in each of my sides and i jump. even when i know it's coming, i can't not jump. alyssa laughs and says, 'yeah, but what's even better is this!' and she looks away, so i think she's going to point to something, and then she grabs the keys and says, 'i'm going to grab your ass,' and i jump.
they laugh and rashid asks alyssa, 'you like that, don't you? are you like terrie?'
alyssa hands me back the keys and tells him calmly, 'i am not a lezzzz-beeeee-innnn.'

she says 'lesbian' how i say 'hippopotamus.' if i don't slow it down like that, and make an effort to pronounce every syllable, i mess that word up, skipping syllables and reversing letters and scrambling it all up. i don't really think that she has difficulty pronouncing 'lesbian,' so i don't know why she did that. i don't really know if it's good or bad or anything, so i won't even bother to theorize. i just wanted to write it down because it stuck with me-all night, i've been replaying alyssa: 'i am not a lezzzz-beeeee-innnn.'