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i went out to breakfast this morning with nikki and abby (another friend from home who's down here too). i hadn't seen abby in forever, and the food was good. it was a little earlier than i usually start my days though. i had to wake up at 10.

then i came back and alana and i worked on our ee homework for a long time. we finished, which was good since it was due today.

then i went to my only class today, and when i was done, molly and i went to big bear. actually, the interesting part started on the bus. we got on, and jim was sitting on the bus. he drives to work, but he always catches the bus from campus to his home and back. so i guess he was heading home. he looked at me and then looked the other way. i didn't want him to be upset with me, and i didn't really understand why he was, or even if he was for sure. so i sat down across the aisle from him and said hey. molly sat behind him. he answered 'hey,' only in a real unenthusiastic tone. i continued attempting to make conversation with him, and he answered in this depressed, uninterested tone. this is not like jim. i am confused, and a little hurt too. i don't want him to be in love with me, but i don't want him to hate me either. and then, after a little of this, he presses the button and gets off at the next stop. i know where he lives, and this isn't it. we're still about a mile from his stop. the busses come every 5 minutes at this time, so he could easily just be getting off to avoid me. he could also need something else here, i guess... but i'm really worried.

so i'm talking to molly about it, and she knows that christine fills me in on this stuff, so she says i should ask her. when we get there, though, christine is counting drawers farther away and jane is right up front doing nothing. i know jane is closer to jim anyway, and i figure christine will jump in if she has anything to add. so i ask jane 'what's the matter with jim?' she asks what i mean, and i tell her how i saw him on the bus and he seemed so sad, and not friendly at all like i'm used to. jane asks if i know he has a crush on me. i tell her yeah, pretty much. she said 'well, he's just sad becuase he thinks that since you're going home for the summer, he doesn't have a chance with you. and he's a little immature, and doesn't know how to deal with that, so i guess what you're seeing is just his reaction to those feelings.' (evidently, she doesn't realize that he didn't have a chance with me even if i wasn't going home. that means either christine's not sharing what i tell her, or something's getting lost in the translation...) then she suggests that i get him a card. i say 'what!?'
she says just get him a card, and write something nice like 'have a good summer. give me a call sometime,' and put my number on there.
i answer 'but then he'll call me.'
jane laughs and then asks 'you don't like him?'
i tell her i like him just fine, just only as a friend.
she says that's fine, she has lots of guy friends that call her all the time, and she's married. it's no big deal.
i protest 'but he's not going to think that!'
she argues for a while, but then she says 'ok, well then don't put your number. just get him a card and say something like 'have a good summer, see you in the fall,' and he'll be happy just to know that you're thinking about him.'
i don't think this is a good plan and this whole conversation is slightly embarrasing. teena comes by and comments 'loser, you're blushing.' i am frustrated and 7 again, so my hands go over my face and i turn away.
when i turn back around, jane says 'you should. it would make him happy.'
i say i'll think about it, and me and molly continue on our way to check the schedule. she laughs at me for a while, and tells me christine was watching me and laughing while i had that conversation with jane. i don't know why, but i'm glad to know that christine witnessed that.
i work 3 days next week, which makes 5 more days total. all 5 of those days, jim also works. they didn't post the office schedule, so i don't know if christine is working any of the 3 days, and i know she's not working the next 2. but i do work with jim, jeff and marie on my last day, so i guess that's a start.

we leave, and i don't go by the service desk again, so i don't talk to christine. i guess it's good enough to know that she witnessed that whole exchange with jane.

when i get back, katie calls, and i go shopping with her and to gameworks. (this big place with tons of video games that you can play against other people) ladies play free on thursday nights. there was a sweet game where you're in a hot air balloon, and they put you in this thing and it goes up and down over a 2-story thing with a 2-story screen in front of you. when your ballon falls 2 floors, you fall 2 floors too. it's hard to explain, but it was fun. even though we both had homework to do, we stayed a little too long... it was fun though.

when we got back, i headed off to the computer lab to work on my last program, due tomorrow night, submitted by email. it's not done, but the lab closed. i don't feel like working on it from here becuase i know i'm more productive in the lab, so i guess i'll work on it for the few hours i have between classes and work tomorrow.

so what's on my mind now is that whole jim thing. i want jim to be happy, and i especially don't want him to be upset because of me. if all it takes to make him happy is a card from me before i go, i'd be more than willing to give it to him. but to me, it seems like giving him a card, with or without my phone number, would just be leading him on. i think that if i gave him a card, it might cheer him up, but it might also get him thinking that he had a chance. and then instead of spending the summer getting over me, he would spend the summer looking forward to my return, thinking that there could be something between us. and i think it would be much more dissapointing for him to find out then than it would for him to just deal with it now. but i don't really know. i mean, jane's older than me, which should make her wiser, right? but i'm worried that she might not mean what she's saying. i think she might not realize how sure i am that i'll never like him as more than a friend. maybe she thinks that there actually could be something between us when i return. i suppose since she doesn't know that i'm a lesbian, i can't really blame her for thinking that. if i liked guys, there would definitely be a chance that absence could make the heart grow fonder, and i would come back willing to try a relationship with jim. but i don't. so now i don't know what to do. do i listen to jane or listen to me? and if i listen to me, there has to be something else i can do to make him feel a little better, isn't there? molly said that jane would probably tell him i asked about him, and maybe that would help him feel better. at least he would know i'm concerned about him.

yeah, i don't know. i guess i'll see how he acts tomorrow, and maybe that will make my decision easier. i better go to bed now. tomorrow is my last day of classes, so i feel like i should go to all of them, even the early one (especially since we have a quiz in it). ok, night.


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