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if you don't already thing i'm crazy, you probably shouldn't read this...
ok, i was antsy... really antsy. i was running up and down the stairs, and jumping on the couch and on my bed, and playing with a yo-yo, and throwing tennis balls at the wall. i needed to do something, instead of being trapped inside all day, going out only to sit perfectly still in a classroom for four hours. i could think of a million things i didn't want to do, but i couldn't think of a single thing i wanted to do. so i ran around the house a while more, when all of a sudden, it hit me! i wanted to mow the lawn. i was thrilled that i had finally thought of something that sounded appealing, so i ran upstairs and sent molly an instant message saying, in big red letters, 'I WANT TO MOW THE LAWN!'
i suppose that's a weird thing to say, to begin with. it's especially strange when you take into account that we don't have a lawnmower, or even a lawn, for that matter. all we have is a small patch of concrete. so they open the door to find out why i've gone crazy. aaron asks, 'what do you mean by that?'
i tell him, 'lawn, like grass, like lawnmower, like push, like chop off grass. i want to mow the lawn!'
molly laughs and aaron tells me, 'because you know, that phrase has more than one meaning.'
have i just got us talking about lesbians by accident? how perfect!
molly asks, 'what's the other meaning?'
i break into song, 'but i've got a girlfriend and she's got a lawn that i'd sure like to mow!'
aaron says, 'yeah, i guess that's a meaning...'
so they go downstairs to eat, and i follow them with a cardboard machete and jump up on the armrest of the couch and sing, 'please mama can't you see, i've always aimed to please... i wore ribbons and jewelery and something and something and something about my knees...'
aaron says it's probably good that i didn't get stoned, because he'd hate to see me high.
i jump from the armrest of that couch to the armrest of the other, and back and forth, waving the machete around, and drawing mask of zorro marks on maxwell's face, all the while, repeating, 'but i've got a girlfriend and she's got a lawn that i'd sure like to mow!'
if i could stop moving for long enough to think, i'm sure i could figure out how singing about mowing my girlfriend's lawn is going to lead into coming out of the closet, but i can't think about anything. i really want to mow the lawn... or play soccer... or go for a run... but it's dark outside, and you don't go running around out there in the dark, not in this city. i settle for running up and down the stairs for a while, until i wear myself out, and then i collapse on the couch, and mumble, 'but i've got a girlfriend and she's got a lawn that i'd sure like to mow...'
they sit down to play fantavision, and i get out my big lego man. well, right now, he's just a bunch of lego pieces, but i spread them out and start turning him back into a lego man.
they're exploding fireworks behind me, and i'm building timmy and singing, 'you said that it's a phase, just something i'd outgrow, but i've got a girlfriend and she's got a lawn that i'd sure like to mow... go on and wish that brad pitt would come along, but i'd prefer madonna in a lacy thonnnnnnggg...'
i think the song would be a lot more meaningful to them if i would just sing the chorus, but i can't bring myself to say, 'lesbian,' so i just start back over at the beginning... 'please mama can't you see...'
after about the millionth time through the first verse, aaron asks, 'is that a country song?'
i was growing rather used to silence from the peanut gallery. i stop singing and say, 'no... it's a making fun of melissa ethridge song.'
'oohhhhhh... then that makes a lot more sense... that is what i was thinking about, mowing lawns... lesbians!'
he said the word... oh, he said the word. i jump up and search for something to say... i'm so close... i can't think of anything, and if i don't speak right now, the opportunity will be lost. i blurt, 'when we go in for 69, i know hers is the same as mine, hide your wives cuz here i come.'
bzzzzzt. wrong. that was a good way to make them laugh, but it wasn't the proper approach to coming out of the closet...
they finish the game and go up to bed, and i kick myself in the head with timmy's freshly-built lego legs.
opportunity #2, gone.