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how do you tell if you're losing your friend?
i think something is wrong with me and molly. we've never been friends in the traditional sense of the word... like, we don't go clubbing, and for the most part, we don't go places or do things... but we still like each other. we play video games, or card games, or we work together on cooking, just so we can talk. and no, we don't have serious conversations, but we always have something to talk about, and we can always keep each other entertained... or that's how it used to be. i think it's turning funny, though.

i first noticed it the night i went to visit nikki. when i came back, i told molly how nice nikki's place was, and how i couldn't wait to live off-campus. our plan, ever since the beginning of last year, had been to move off-campus as soon as we both had cars. the apartments are nicer, bigger, and cheaper, and the landlords will actually fix the toilets when they break, instead of letting your bathroom flood for a few weeks... on campus, landlords take advantage of the college kids, because they know that they can. this year, i got a car, but i got it too late for us to get out of this lease, so i figured next year, we'd definitely move off-campus... but i told her about nikki's place, and she said, 'yeah, well, i don't know what i'm doing next year. i might live by myself.'
this shocked me... i thought i was a good roommate... maybe not for alana and lauren, but compared to molly, i'm on the neat side. i do my fair share of stuff around the apartment, and i pay half the bills and everything... what's going on? i answer, 'oh.'
she says, 'cause i don't think i want to live off-campus. i don't think i care what kind of place i live in... i just care about location. if i'm drunk, i want to be able to walk home. if aaron is over here and we're both drunk, i want him to be able to walk home. and i want to live close to aaron. it's convenient.'
i'm used to boyfriends winning over me... it's happened with every friend i've ever had, and molly had been the only exception... but when it became clear that she liked him enough to change from little christian good girl into an atheist pothead, i kind of figured that he was pretty important to her. so it's not surprising that she's structuring her life around him... so i was ok with that. i figured i could stand another year on campus, if it's what she wanted. nikki's place was nice, but now that they've finally fixed our toilet, this place isn't that bad, as long as you don't mind a few stains on the carpet, cracks in the sink, chips in the floor... it's not a nice place to live, but it's tolerable. i'm a college kid; nobody expects me to have a nice place to live. if it means that much to her, i'll stay on campus. i might try to talk her out of it, but in the end, if she won't be talked out of it, i'll do what she wants. i'd rather live here with her than off-campus, by myself.

but that conversation ended, and the next day, things seemed funny. ever since then, they've been funny. i don't know if it was the conversation that changed things, or if it just took that conversation to make me notice the change, but i think it's there...
it's like she's mad at me... but not really. if she were anybody else, i would conclude that she's mad at me. but molly is blunt. if she's mad at you, she tells you. you never have to wonder if molly's mad-if she is, you'll know it... at least, that's how it worked until now. she's never been like this before... she's quiet around me, and she lets me talk to her, but i get the feeling that she's just trying to escape, the first chance she can get. and usually, that's how it works. i show up, and within 10 or 15 minutes, she's going over to aaron's. sometimes she just picks him up, and brings him back here. then he talks to me a little, and then they go lock themselves in her room and get high and... well, and whatever else... so i would think that she's mad at me... but it's not like her to be mad in silence.
maybe it's just that we don't have much in common any more... we're not in any of the same classes. she still works at the grocery store, but only once or twice a month. when she says 'work,' she's thinking about her other job. and her other job is at an odd time, so we never have free time together... and when we do, she's getting high with aaron.
but the changes don't bother me... i still like her. i saw them coming a mile away...
maybe it's just because she has been sick lately, and that's been bothering her.
maybe it's a coincidence that she seems to leave as soon as i arrive.
maybe she's depressed about something else, and i'm just jumping to conclusions.
maybe i'm imagining it all, or thinking too much.

but i feel like it's real. and i feel like without molly, my life is falling apart. i guess my life has always been falling apart, but with molly in it, just being there and being consistant, i never noticed it. so what if we never had serious conversations? so what if i never told her the truth about me? she kept things from me too, i'm sure.
it's just that she was always there. when things went wrong and i felt awful, molly was there when i got home, ready to ignore the signs that i was upset, and carry on like normal. it's not the ideal friendship, i suppose, but it worked for me, and i thought it worked for her. she was reliable and she helped me to carry on like normal. and our relationship was just consistant. everybody else has their ups and downs, but with me and molly, it was always the same. in 3 and a half years, i've been mad at her once, and it lasted less than a day. it's just how it works. i don't get mad at her and she doesn't get mad at me. we don't get jealous of each other. we don't fight. what's mine is hers and what's hers is mine. in that sense, she was almost like an extension of myself. i never had to stop and think, 'i wonder if molly would care if i did this...' if i don't care, molly won't care, and vice versa. i don't even know how to describe it... she's kinda like a couch. like you can go out and fuck up everything else in your life, but when you come home, your couch will still be sitting there. you're probably not going to pour your heart out to your couch, and you'd be crazy to think that the couch is going to talk it over with you, or help you solve your problems... but isn't it comforting to know that your couch is still there, and that it still holds you up when you sit down? it's just doing what it always does, but on a day when nothing else has gone your way, that's a wonderful thing...

it's a wonderful thing, and i don't want to lose it. without molly, i stop to look at my life, and what have i got?
i still claim katie as a friend, but i haven't seen her in 3 months. on average, we go 6 months between get-togethers. i think i should move her into the category of 'people i once knew.' katie was my high-school friend. when we get together now, she introduces me as her 'friend from high school.' we go to the same college... but 'friend from high school' is probably the best description.
nikki is my friend. she just called the other day, to see if i wanted to go home with her, but nikki and i have streaks. we'll find a time to get together, and it will remind us that we like each other, and we'll stay in touch for a while, but she works too much and i work too much, and it won't work, and then we'll go a few months without speaking, and then we'll start again. so sure, i guess she's still my friend... but we're pushing it...
alana is my friend now because we have a class together, and i talk to her every time i go. when she sees me, she can ask me if i'm on vacation, and ask when i have free time, and we can plan times to get together. but i have a feeling that when this quarter ends, if we don't have any classes together the next quarter, that friendship will end. i'd like to believe that she values our friendship... but i know better. she has her boyfriend, and if it's more convenient for her to make plans with him than with me, i have a feeling that she will.
lauren likes me, and i like her, but we hardly ever talk, unless we're communicating through alana. and lauren and i are different... she likes me because i amuse her and i like her because she knows how to knock some sense into me, and she can do it in a good-natured way. but she wants to flirt with the boys and i want to play with my legos. she wants to go out dancing and i want to go jumping in puddles. when i don't see alana any more, i won't see lauren any more.
extra is alana's boyfriend, and i like him. he likes me, and so does aaron, for that matter, but if i don't have molly or alana, i'm sure i won't have extra or aaron.
marie? i put her on here, not as a friend, but as more evidence that my life is falling apart. she's losing her grip on me, and i think i might be getting over her... but if i get over her, i know i won't have her to call my friend. i won't have her to call my anything, and it's just another way that i'm alone.
i miss my family. michael wrote an entry about a family dinner, and i miss that. i can't remember the last time i've seen my parents, my brother, and my sister, all at once. my freshman year, i would come home for all the breaks, and for weeks or months, i would be with my family... we would eat and sleep and watch tv and go places and just do family things... i miss being a part of the family. now, when school lets out, i'm here til the last minute for work, and when i do make it home, half the time, fly's not there, because she's in school too. i guess that's what happens when you grow up... but i don't like it. i miss my parents, and i especially miss my sister.
as far as relationships with other people go, i've got nothing. and as far as how i feel about myself, it's even worse... i'm in school but i hate it. i'm in the closet but i hate it. i work two jobs but i hate it. i waste time and i hate it. right now, i'm not doing anything that i want to do, but i don't even know where to change it. i want to come out of the closet, but in light of recent events, is that even practical?!?! if molly already hates me, how is telling her that i'm gay going to change that? it certainly won't fix anything, and chances are, it will just make her become more distant... it's true for molly, and it's true for the rest of them, too. coming out of the closet puts a strain on a relationship; it doesn't mend it. and when all your relationships already need mending, you should know better than to strain them-they'll break, and you'll regret it.

i wish i could just start over, with everything. i would have come out to my parents in 4th grade, when i first realized i was gay. i would have entered college out of the closet, so i would never have to worry about losing friends over it-if they didn't like it, they would never have become my friend in the first place. i would have worked less at my first job, and certainly never gotten a second job. i would have thanked christine before she left, because i hate thinking that she'll never know how much i appreciate everything she did for me, and how much she means to me. i would have worked harder at keeping my high school friends, and at making and keeping college friends, because your college years are supposed to be about friends and fun... i'm supposed to be making memories, not working and working and working and working and sleeping and then working some more...

i want things to change, but i don't know how to change them. i guess i have to wait to find out for sure what's going on with molly, and maybe i'm dreaming this all up, and i can start there...

i don't know. i'm not depressed or upset, really. i just feel kind of dazed... like this whole molly thing startled me awake, and i opened my eyes and wondered, where am i? how did i get here? where am i going? what's going on? i just feel confused and lost... how did things get to this point without me ever noticing?

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my opinion....you and molly are just growing apart. it happens sometimes, and i know it sucks. maybe you should try having a "real" conversation with her about it. sometimes that's better than driving yourself crazy with your thoughts. :)

I can't believe how in common our lives are...we're growing apart from our friends, we're in the closet, we work at Kroger...and on and on. By the way, I love reading your journal; I wish I could write long, flowing entries like you as I once did. It does sound like you are growing apart from her, and unfortunately, if Molly's not giving and effort to this friendship, it seems that there is nothing you can do. I've had that happen several times...sometimes I was the distancer, and sometimes I was the distanced one. The only thing to do is just to let her be...I think of it in the terms that if someone like that isn't bothering to continue being a friend, then they aren't worth your time. Even though she was a friend in the past, right now she doesn't want to be, and there's nothing much you can do. It's not pleasant, but it happens...I've been on both ends. Yeah, and I miss family dinners very much...I'd love to return to those days where Mom cooked meals and we ate a plate of delicious cuisine every night...I long to eat with my family every night like we used to also.

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